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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't think straight about my husband

164 replies

MIlesdavis · 13/11/2017 18:52

My husband did an beautiful eulogy at his mother's funeral last month. The reception immediately followed and I couldn't speak to him privately for several hours afterward. When everyone dispersed except his best friend and a few other family members, I went up to him to give him a hug and tell him how well he did. When I moved away from hugging him, I saw that he had his fingers in his throat, imitating that gesture of vomiting - as if what I said was worthy of throwing up - and looking at his best friend and laughing at me. I pretended I didn't see, said my goodbyes and took the children home (he was staying on that evening) but I had a huge lump in my throat the entire four-hour drive. When I was alone, I completely lost it. He has been unfaithful to me - had a mistress for three years - and I elected to stay when I found out (so tough) as he extricated himself from her and the children were 8, 5, 3. That was 7 years ago. He is extremely critical of me (well, he's critical of everyone really but I feel I really bear the brunt of it). I have dealt with a lot and have done my best. For some reason this gesture is something I can't shake...I stayed despite the affair and the many appalling injustices of it...and I just can't get over this. Is this irrational? I can't think straight any more.

OP posts:
Worldsworstcook · 13/11/2017 19:13

I would pack his bags and tell him what you saw was the last straw. If he wants to vomit he can feel nauseous every month he's writing out his maintenance cheques for his children. See if he can laugh that away with his friends.
Don't get mad, get even. The time for inaction has been and gone, you've proved your doormat status. You're worth more than that - you would accept it for your kids so why for you. Good luck OP.

bufin · 13/11/2017 19:14

I wonder how many times he's done something similar, and you never saw him.

He's a maggot.

Comekittykitty · 13/11/2017 19:15

Like AnyFucker said (usually the blunt voice of reason): this small gesture sums up all of the disrespect your husband has for you. Before you spiral down a tunnel of sadness of despair can I just tell you that you sound like a lovely human being, a warm-hearted mum and a supportive partner.

Don’t let the way he has treated you be a reflection who you are. 💐

LanaDReye · 13/11/2017 19:16

"I've disappeared a bit"
Yes I remember this very well (approaching 2 years divorced). It is hard to be yourself when you're with someone who doesn't respect you. Confidence can be drained.

Time to think who you are and what you want. Would you want a friend to be treated this way?

ferntwist · 13/11/2017 19:16

OP so sorry to hear this. I can imagine how hurt you feel. It sounds like the final insult after everything you've put up with and forgiven from him.
It's awful to say but I don't think he loves you or sees you as his partner.
You need to leave him and restore your happiness before it's too late.
Good luck.

MIlesdavis · 13/11/2017 19:16

You are all so lovely - thank you. It's so strange how you can keep your chin up and overlook things, try to be positive, do your best to release the hurt and (so hard) forgive for so long and then have one gesture shatter it. I've still not told him I clocked the gesture, but I will now. Thanks for giving me the strength. :-)

OP posts:
Cockmagic · 13/11/2017 19:17

Get out and stop using your children as an excuse.

ferntwist · 13/11/2017 19:18

You sound lovely. I don't know how you've managed to stay so nice! We're all rooting for you and will be here if you need more support.

Inig0M0nt0ya · 13/11/2017 19:20

How awful!
Don't let him dismiss it as a joke when you talk to him.

Jasminedes · 13/11/2017 19:21

It will help your children not to accept his criticism if you don't any more. Good luck.

OliviaStabler · 13/11/2017 19:22

I hope this is the final straw that allows you to move on and live a better life for you and your children without this awful man. Good luck Flowers

MIlesdavis · 13/11/2017 19:22

Thank you everyone - you are all amazing. :-)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/11/2017 19:23

You are amazing too

But not in his eyes. He sees you as inferior. Show him you are worth more than this

juliantortoise · 13/11/2017 19:24

Bess you. I hope you are able to get away from this horrid man. I have come back to being the person I was after being away from my hateful husband. You, and the children, deserve so much more. Good luck.

FantasticButtocks · 13/11/2017 19:29

He sounds infantile and unpleasant. And rude. Disrespectful. Unloving.

You really do deserve better than that Flowers

JohnHunter · 13/11/2017 19:31

What did he mean by the vomit gesture? It seems very odd and not in keeping with the context. Are you able to ask him about it?

Tighnabruaich · 13/11/2017 19:31

I can imagine how hurtful seeing that was. Like a kick in the stomach. I hope you do tell him you saw it.

HouseworkIsAPain · 13/11/2017 19:32

I think the gesture has brought home to you just how little he cares about you. It must be very upsetting to realise he thinks nothing of making fun at your expense, especially when you’ve worked at your marriage to put the affair behind you.

Please don’t stay with someone who has such little respect for you.

SonicBoomBoom · 13/11/2017 19:35

It's so strange how you can keep your chin up and overlook things, try to be positive, do your best to release the hurt and (so hard) forgive for so long and then have one gesture shatter it.

Because you have been living as you have, assuming that he is grateful to you for the immense effort that you have put in to repairing your relationship and living with the hurt he caused you.

And with that one gesture, you realise you've been a mug, and he's not only not grateful, he's actively mocking you, and humiliating you all over again.

You know now. The one thing worse than finding a worm in your apple, is not finding it.

Flowers
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/11/2017 19:36

Do not remain in this marriage any longer; he has shown by both word and deed just how little he thinks of you. As AF rightly states show him you are worth more than this.

jeaux90 · 13/11/2017 19:37

God he's one of those assholes I work with that disrespect their wives. Those are the guys that alot of other guys also think are assholes. You deserve much better than an asshole.

You deserve a life without him in it.

I'm a single mum and believe me life is much easier than being in a shit relationship

I think most people will applaud you if you leave him. They'll either say it or think it.

I bet you are awesome.

5BlueHydrangea · 13/11/2017 19:39

He sounds incredibly selfish and immature. Set him free (and more importantly yourself..) and let him be childish with his mates. Hopefully he'll wake up and realise one day what he's thrown away and feel regret, but it will be too late!
How old is he anyway??

ChrisPrattsFace · 13/11/2017 19:46

Is he 12 years old?
Sorry you're married to him OP, I hope you can see all you've done for him and how he has treated you -I hope you have the strength to be able to move away from him. He's shown you his true colours - he sounds awful.

Shakey15000 · 13/11/2017 19:47

That's a disgusting gesture to make. How awful. I hope you do find the strength to leave. Life is short and you've wasted too much time on the twat.

SlartyFarkBarstard · 13/11/2017 19:47

Turn it around OP, would you ever in a million years treat someone you love like he has you? No you wouldn’t because it would be a cuntish disgusting horrid thing to do. Yet he’s done it to you, in more ways than one. Boot the nasty prick out.