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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't think straight about my husband

164 replies

MIlesdavis · 13/11/2017 18:52

My husband did an beautiful eulogy at his mother's funeral last month. The reception immediately followed and I couldn't speak to him privately for several hours afterward. When everyone dispersed except his best friend and a few other family members, I went up to him to give him a hug and tell him how well he did. When I moved away from hugging him, I saw that he had his fingers in his throat, imitating that gesture of vomiting - as if what I said was worthy of throwing up - and looking at his best friend and laughing at me. I pretended I didn't see, said my goodbyes and took the children home (he was staying on that evening) but I had a huge lump in my throat the entire four-hour drive. When I was alone, I completely lost it. He has been unfaithful to me - had a mistress for three years - and I elected to stay when I found out (so tough) as he extricated himself from her and the children were 8, 5, 3. That was 7 years ago. He is extremely critical of me (well, he's critical of everyone really but I feel I really bear the brunt of it). I have dealt with a lot and have done my best. For some reason this gesture is something I can't shake...I stayed despite the affair and the many appalling injustices of it...and I just can't get over this. Is this irrational? I can't think straight any more.

OP posts:
Ausparent · 14/11/2017 10:45

I think the fact that he did that at his own mother's wake too sums up the sort of guy he is.

Does he belittle you to the children too? I bet he will as they get older.

You deserve much better

Traffig · 14/11/2017 10:47

Hello OP Flowers
Thanks for looking in.
I'm glad he is away for now, it gives you time to think.
Lovely to see so many people sending such support to you.

Be kind to yourself as others have said. x

help1978 · 14/11/2017 11:14

I’m not sure what’s more disrespectful.....the way he treated you or how he treated his late mother at her own wake
You sound lovely and like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. You not what you’re going to do....you can do it! X

DarkPeakScouter · 14/11/2017 11:16

Why bother telling him what you saw? He doesn’t care. Instead get yourself away from his toxicity - the kids will adapt.

ferntwist · 14/11/2017 12:11

Wonderful that you are feeling strong. You can do this OP! X

Pacificly · 14/11/2017 12:25

I'd say this is definitely that 'straw that breaks the camels back'.
What a vile man he is to show you a glimpse his true face the face he shows his best friend at his mothers funeral!Angry

He doesn't deserve a second more of your kindness or compassion you have forgiven him enough he's not deserving of anymore.
Time to show your children that those who treat you like shit aren't good enough to play happy families any longer!

timeisnotaline · 14/11/2017 14:34

If he's travelling, you can get his things together, gather paperwork and tell him not to come back! Win!

GeekLove · 14/11/2017 19:24

Remember the rest of the world is not under his malign influence. It's up to you to get out there. You can do this OP

GottadoitGottadoit · 14/11/2017 23:09

Have you told him you saw?

LineysRum · 14/11/2017 23:20

Best wishes, OP. You deserve to get yourself back, now Flowers

Original poster
MIlesdavis · 22/11/2017 11:06

I told my husband about the vomiting gesture over the weekend. He said he didn't remember doing it and denied it. I couldn't tell if he's telling the truth or not (he had been drinking after the funeral) but it doesn't matter because it did happen. It prompted a long conversation about his affair. He said he fell in love with me when I was a single woman with a great career and had the affair because I was no longer "sparkling". He said he didn't expect me to be "just a mother." Maybe all of us struggle to retain a sense of ourselves as women in and of ourselves, as partners and as mothers, but I know we all do our best. So much is demanded of us and by us. People like Nicola Horlick who juggle a massive career and a family do so successfully with a lot of expensive help, but that is not my reality (or, I expect, most women's). I've searched my soul and feel I've always done my best for him as well as the children. I don't look the same as I did 20 years ago when we met, it's true. I don't have the career I did or anything like what I would have had if I hadn't had children, but I have worked as I was able to. I look at my children and, for me, I don't regret that choice one bit. I am not capable of having glittering dinner parties every weekend - I am just too exhausted to do that. I have no more small talk. I accept I really can't "do it all." Trying to make me think that's even possible, much less the status quo I am somehow forever falling short of, is so damaging. Last night he said I was within my rights to "send him packing" given the vomiting gesture. He said he was "pathetic" to have done it. I'm assuming he had confirmation from someone else who had seen it to have come to this mindset. He's now trying to reach me, apologise and make it right, but I just feel dead inside.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/11/2017 11:11

He's completely disrespectful.
He feels contempt for you.
He's unfaithful and blames you for it.
He needles you.

You know all this and only you can decide whether to stay with him.

You have one life. Do you want to spend it with someone like that?

Traffig · 22/11/2017 11:26

Hello OP,
Hold your head up! We all get older it is a natural process, that does not mean we are worthless or less "sparkling". Don't let him put you down and he did try and gaslight you over the "vomiting gesture" until he realised that there were witnesses.
He was more than pathetic to have done it ...he was cruel.

Please don't let him turn his unkindness against you as if it is your fault that you somehow don't measure up to " sparkle" standards.
It seems to me that he has never been much of a catch as a decent human being.

Don't let him humiliate you further or turn his disgusting, disrespectful behaviour into "your fault". You deserve so much better than this.
You be kind to yourself, {flowers]

isthismylifenow · 22/11/2017 11:26

Gosh OP, how horrid. Of course he 'doesn't remember it' and is denying it. Who would admit to being caught on doing something so awful.

You are no longer "sparkling". WTAF.

The send me packing and I am pathetic are not unusual comments when being caught out in something OP.

AnyFucker · 22/11/2017 11:30

Your husband does not value you

This is not a marriage, you are simply the housekeeper in his eyes. And I would expect him to tespect employees more than this.

You would be happier without this man

AnyFucker · 22/11/2017 11:31

He sees you as no longer "sparkling" so he has devalued you

When he is the one of lesser worth because of his shitty juvenile behaviour.

sassymuffin · 22/11/2017 11:33

Oh so it's all your fault he had a 3 year affair because you were an exhausted mother of three you weren't "sparkly" enough for him anymore and was "just a mother"

On this forum I have read many pathetic excuses that cheating partners use to try to justify their actions but that truly takes the Biscuit

Get away from this nasty, toxic, misogynistic arsehole before he erodes every shred of your dignity and pollutes the mind of your children.

Actions speak louder than words - talk is cheap and his pathetic poor me yarn that he tried to reel you in with at the weekend is merely to placate you so he can continue to treat you in this awful way.

ahhhsalmonskinroll · 22/11/2017 11:34

No longer sparking? He’s not exactly shitting glitter is he.

Leave him op. It will be tough but liberating. Spending your life feeling dead inside is no life. He doesn’t deserve an inch of you.

badabing36 · 22/11/2017 11:36

had the affair because I was no longer "sparkling". He said he didn't expect me to be "just a mother."

He's horrible and he definitely doesn't deserve you.

theliterarycat · 22/11/2017 11:42

Awful. Op you deserve better. Is he still sparkling? I doubt
It but if he is it is because of you looking after his children and everything else. You know that.

I always told my husband that I’ll
Leave if he’d swap me for someone that was like I used to be before a family.

You are worth much more. That gesture says a lot more and would have killed me.

You can do it

mamaslatts · 22/11/2017 12:03

I think the reason it seems like a turning point is that you always suspected he felt contempt towards you. His actions confirmed that, publicly, at an occasion which should have been solemn and, for once, not about him. I think all the effort you have put in over the years (how much effort did he put in to repair things after the affair?), all the crap you have taken from him, I think part of you has said 'fuck this shit'.

You really have done everything you can to make this marraige work but I don't think you can do this to yourself any longer.

Mrskeats · 22/11/2017 12:17

'just a mother' wow. This shows his complete lack of respect for you.
It might be nice if he was 'just a nice man' wouldn't it?
Who looks the same as they did 20 years ago? Who holds fancy dinner parties every night? No-one that's who.
He is casting about looking for justification for his own bad behaviour.
You can't recover from contempt and you shouldn't want to.
You sound lovely op-don't let this man drag you down. Use the time he is away to plan your future.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 22/11/2017 12:24

just a mother' wow. This shows his complete lack of respect for you.

^this

The lack of respect, humiliation in public, would cut me to the core too. He sounds absolutely vile.

Zorrro · 22/11/2017 12:32

You can still bin him off you know.
Just because he's come over all contrite and stuff with this latest heart to heart does not mean that you should feel obliged to try any more.

It's ok to call it quits. He's had decades to treat you with kindness, respect, to be a proper partner and companion and chose to do otherwise. So this last gasp from him is only because he knows it's the final straw.

You seem to be wavering, so I'll suggest two things for you to do: firstly, get some counselling (alone!) so you can unravel your head a bit. Secondly, even if you are thinking you'll stay, quietly gather up details of your joint finances and circumstances and just talk to a divorce solicitor - just so you can see where you stand and even just to see for yourself your worth in this relationship, because I expect you'll be very surprised to see how much you may get from a split.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 22/11/2017 12:37

This reply has been deleted

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