18 months after DH affair

[User0811]

Depressingly... another affair story... so many of them on here I'm losing faith in marriage...

Discovered DH's emotional and physical affair 18 months ago. True to script... OW was 19 years younger and he says he was having a mid-life crisis and feeling unloved at home.. even though he seemed pretty happy with me and DDs.

It had been going on for 6mo but they were 'in love'... DH begged for forgiveness and I didn't chuck him out... despite wanting to but we have 9yo and 7yo DDs. My parents divorced when I was 10 and the long-term affect it had on me meant I couldn't do it to them... plus I still loved him... and he is an amazing dad.

But the last 18 months we have fought like crazy, I haven't trusted him one bit and I'm always so mad at him... I'm only so mad because I can't believe he could do this to me... we were in a happy marriage and we loved each other. we've tried therapy but it brings everything to the surface and made me feel worse... so stopped seeing therapist a few months ago.

I've tried to deal with the anger (at him) and jealousy (OW is young and attractive... everything i'm not) I feel and in between the fighting we do have some OK moments... some happy ones to.

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. DH texting her first or searching her out, being where she is etc.

This has happened 6 times and I've found out or he has confessed and every time I've forgiven him because he has shown so much regret... crying and begging for me. Even though since discovery they've kissed and exchanged sexual texts... some really repulsive ones that I can't think about without feeling physically sick. He has assured me they haven't had sex again and I believe him because I've seen the messages... wish I hadn't. He has told her he loves her repeatedly though.... quite recently to. he says he's only gone back to her because we fight so much and because I've been so horrible to him.

He has promised.. again... that this is it now and he is committed to me and our DDs. I'm not as angry now but just feel depressed. We have started having sex again because I feel I should... because I want to even though I don't really know why I want to... and because if we don't he'll keep going back to OW and I do still love him... I want us to be OK again.

My questions and please help because I'm so depressed and fed up of feeling angry and jealous...

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?

how long before you stopped being so angry?

If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH?

Can you have a marriage without trust?

Feeling very depressed I'll never get over it and if I don't go back to being happy or ever get mad at him he'll go back to OW again... even though he reassures me it's totally over this time. I don't want to lose him.

You think this is better for your DDs because you're imagining that, in a year or two, it will be better.

What if you look back in say, 8 years, when your kids are leaving home and realise it never did get better. And that's the house they've grown up in.

Teach them to respect themselves and show them what you're worth by getting rid of this selfish, ugly man. He doesn't love you. This isn't what happens when people love eachother.

You need the anger. It stops you being take for a ride and telling him it's acceptable to betray you over and over and over again.

Your wedding vows haven't meant anything to him for the last couple of years.

You can do this

Many women are stuck because they are financially dependant on their spouse ... you're not. You're in a very strong position.

Let him go to his friend or family member and he can explain why he's had to leave.

He's the one person in life who vowed to have your back..... to love, cherish, protect and honour you .... yet he's treated you appallingly ... and he's repeated the hurt at every given opportunity.

You truly deserve a decent man and a better role model as a father.

Also keep in mind if he doesn't go running off to her it might be because she doesn't want him back, not because he doen't want to.

Stay strong

the really tragic thing is... that you'd hope that after 20 genuinely happy years together and two gorgeous girls... it wouldn't be 'a game'.

How old are you @User0811?

This is just so so sad, please please leave this man.

He is very slowly killing you.

I’m so sorry.

X

Op I am so sorry, you sound in so much pain.
I am going to be honest with you, I was the ow in a similar scenario once.
The man (now my dp) stayed after our 18month affair was discovered. He stayed because he felt he had to, because his wife said he'd never see his dds again and she'd make sure they and everyone else knew what he'd done.
He stayed for five more years... She never got over her anger, never felt able to forgive him, and their lives were incredibly miserable. I know she had every right to be like this, and I to my dying day will regret the way we behaved.
Eventually he left, not for me, but because he couldn't make it right, he knew he had stayed for all the wrong reasons, and this unfair on his wife.
He didn't love her and they should have separated long before I came on the scene.
Our affair was a classic exit affair only when push came to shove he couldn't immediately exit, but he says he got fed up being brow beaten daily, being policed constantly etc.
I am not advocating you bury your anger etc, and play good wifey, the point I am trying to make is, do you really think one day you could forgive him, or trust him in some way again?
Your marriage will never be the same but it could be a different version?
Or in 4 more years will you be eaten away with resentment, anger and your dh resigned and uninterested in trying to fix things?

You need to count from now not 18months as he never stopped the affair really, so in fact your at day one post discovery really.
He needs to be doing everything others have mentioned on this post and you perhaps need to take some time. You don't need to decide now. You don't have to forgive him now, you don't have to let go of that anger now but at some point you will need to be able to or it will destroy you.

Good luck whatever you decide.

And if you feel you need to make it work for dds... My dsds say they knew all along their parents were in trouble and said they wish their mum had been able to realise she'd never trust their dad again. And that their dad had had decency to leave sooner as it was obvious he was just there for appearances sake... Don't do it for your children, it's not healthy

Still sat here in the dark and freezing cold... replaying every conversation I've read between them... everything he's told me... I'm not asking for anyone to answer this because there is no answer... i'm just talking out loud... but how can anyone be telling another woman they love her... they adore her... all they think about is making love to her... and at the same time be crying, begging and pleading to to stay with their wife.

Some distance between us is the answer I know it is.

I'm never going to get over this. Whether it's with or without him.

I can't understand how any woman ever does... how anyone takes back and has a happy marriage with the man they married after he's had 'the best sex of his life' with someone else... told someone else he loves her and thinks of her all of the time and wants to be with her. it makes me the stupid dumb wife fall into second place every time... the 'I have to be with you' rather than 'I want to be with you'.

But they do.. women, take men back after emotional affairs all of the time. The stupid internet has convinced me that we'll have a marriage that is better than ever if I just forgive him . brian and anne have a lot to answer for if this isn't true.

Why? why? WHY? it can't just be because you love them. I do... I love him. he is the only man I've ever loved.

He doesn't want people to think badly of him. Lose friends. Move out and pay bills. See your daughters less. That is why he is trying to get you to let him stay.

You have to both be in it 100% to save it and he will never be. He has shown you this.

And anyway you already stated this was a physical affair as well as emotional. For many (most) women that is unforgiveable.

Schnitzel.. I'm 44.
DH is 49.
And OW is 30 which makes me feel wonderful.

Sweetheart, even if you forgave him you’d never trust him again, not after all this time. He’s broken it and it can’t be fixed.

44 is no age, honestly, you’ve a whole lovely life ahead of you. Whereas even 30 is too old to behave like a total melt - twin flames? I assumed she was about 18.

And please don’t torture yourself with their messages. No one’s going to tell their mistress they’ve had the second-best sex of their life with her.

I think that’s what’s even more of a mindfuck for you is that he’s the only man you’ve ever loved. I PROMISE you that I’m time to come you’ll be so fucking angry with yourself that you kept trying to make this work with this total bawbag x be kind to yourself. Take every hour at a time....don’t get into a panic about the future,,,,it’ll seem to big of a mountain to climb. X

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. That’s the key point isn’t it. There’s no way that you can work through any of your emotions and problems while he holds this power to go and betray you again.

You just don’t have a choice anymore - he’s made it impossible to rebuild your relationship. I’m sorry for you, I’ve had this. Hung on for the kids but there HAS to be a bottom line. Going back to the OW way, way crosses this line.

Not only has he betrayed you and hurt you, not only has he taken to sleeping with a younger woman, but he’s prepared to do it again and again. He hasn’t had remorse and he hasn’t changed.

You have to leave now for the children or you will damage them.

Yeah fuck that. He’s treating you horribly, he’s treating his children horribly and he’s treating the OW horribly. What a weak-willed, spineless prick. You deserve so much better than this. Stop doing the Pick Me Dance, he is not worthy of you.

She is 30 and all 'bohemian chic' so looks younger... another thing DH didn't hesitate to tell her over and over again... her instagram describes her as a 'free spirit'... of course she is... no commitments, doesn't commute 2 hours a day to provide for a family of 4... tanned and beautiful. The perfect muse for my selfish husband.

Good thing they can live on air then.

Sorry... that was uncalled for... and was my anger taking over.
It's the stupid kind of thing I have said to him in anger that I shouldn't have.

Totally called for! Let it all out. She’s clearly not beautiful on the inside.

Um it's not a stupid thing to say AT ALL
stop berating yourself for having perfectly normal human emotions

You can safely vent here. I'm so very sorry that you are having to deal with this.
44 is no age - you will have a great future and find happiness in all the things you enjoyed and will learn to enjoy. I've been where you are in terms of starting again in my 40s. It's scary, but so much better than 'death by a thousand cuts' staying where you are. You are worth so much more than this. Time to put the big girl pants on aand bd do this for you. Thinking of you

Anyway boho chic became terminally naff in about 2006.

It's true! Thinking she won't feel quite so carefree when her wages are paying for Mr Artist's food and she gets his pants in her laundry and a face of morning breath every day.