18 months after DH affair

[User0811]

Depressingly... another affair story... so many of them on here I'm losing faith in marriage...

Discovered DH's emotional and physical affair 18 months ago. True to script... OW was 19 years younger and he says he was having a mid-life crisis and feeling unloved at home.. even though he seemed pretty happy with me and DDs.

It had been going on for 6mo but they were 'in love'... DH begged for forgiveness and I didn't chuck him out... despite wanting to but we have 9yo and 7yo DDs. My parents divorced when I was 10 and the long-term affect it had on me meant I couldn't do it to them... plus I still loved him... and he is an amazing dad.

But the last 18 months we have fought like crazy, I haven't trusted him one bit and I'm always so mad at him... I'm only so mad because I can't believe he could do this to me... we were in a happy marriage and we loved each other. we've tried therapy but it brings everything to the surface and made me feel worse... so stopped seeing therapist a few months ago.

I've tried to deal with the anger (at him) and jealousy (OW is young and attractive... everything i'm not) I feel and in between the fighting we do have some OK moments... some happy ones to.

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. DH texting her first or searching her out, being where she is etc.

This has happened 6 times and I've found out or he has confessed and every time I've forgiven him because he has shown so much regret... crying and begging for me. Even though since discovery they've kissed and exchanged sexual texts... some really repulsive ones that I can't think about without feeling physically sick. He has assured me they haven't had sex again and I believe him because I've seen the messages... wish I hadn't. He has told her he loves her repeatedly though.... quite recently to. he says he's only gone back to her because we fight so much and because I've been so horrible to him.

He has promised.. again... that this is it now and he is committed to me and our DDs. I'm not as angry now but just feel depressed. We have started having sex again because I feel I should... because I want to even though I don't really know why I want to... and because if we don't he'll keep going back to OW and I do still love him... I want us to be OK again.

My questions and please help because I'm so depressed and fed up of feeling angry and jealous...

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?

how long before you stopped being so angry?

If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH?

Can you have a marriage without trust?

Feeling very depressed I'll never get over it and if I don't go back to being happy or ever get mad at him he'll go back to OW again... even though he reassures me it's totally over this time. I don't want to lose him.

he's PINING after the lass five minutes down the road.... he's disgusting OP .. please kick him out.. and see how fast his fantasy world crumbles....

"This is the fury that has driven him away.... "

You haven't driven him away, he voluntarily and repeatedly chose to go another woman.

"He chose me"

He hasn't chosen you, he is desperate to cling onto the life YOU provide for him.

OP I sincerely hope this thread gives you some clarity. I don't know how you stand the indignity, you don't have to live this way, you can make the change.

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair? How can you get over something that hasn't ended yet?

more that I know we have to and I can't explain why because you know that if you don't, he will go back to her.

You are doing the "pick me dance" ... giving him what you think he wants, to make him choose you over her. You have no power here, he has it all.

Nothing you do pushes him to her
Nothing you did pushed him to her
He does it because he can, and because he wants to

Things that made me kick him out.

1. Didn't want to spend my life trying to be good enough to stop him cheating.
2. Wanted to start again while still fairly young and not wIt to be dumped in my fifties or later.
3. Wanted to show my kids right and wrong.

All the reasons (excuses) that you listed were in my head too but the above reasons outweighed them.

He did go to her and in a way she won but long term I have a lovely cs happy life a day she got....well him

She was half my age too but she's now just how I was when he left me, fat and downtrodden and guess what? I'm not

Oh and it didn't take me too long to get over it either.
Far far less than 18 months

@DasPepe Is it mainly us women that swallow so much nasty tasting compromise? Certainly feels that way. What is it, socialisation?

OP, if he does go to her - which seems to be your 'worst case scenario', you know she's not going to be young and dewy forever, don't you? She'll have painful periods, cranky days, fuck ups, lost jobs, whingey moments, etc etc, just like everyone else. He's idolising her because he doesn't have to put up with that from her. If she's less than optimum, he can dive right back to his cosy, everything-provided lifestyle at the moment.

Cut off that oxygen. Make him live with her. See how he likes it when the dream turns out to be just another reality. When his 'muse' gets spots and bitches about him 'having' to have his children over a weekend when she wants to go partying... Make him face up to real life. Only then can you both know if you want to give your marriage a proper second chance (I suspect you will be so busy enjoying your freedom, you won't).

We are generally not arguing in front of the girls.... In the early days after discovery we did but have stopped and both try and be as normal as possible in front of them.... I have been very snappy and mad but it doesn't turn into an argument in front of them.

This sounds terrible. Your DDs must be aware of the atmosphere.

You are not going to be able to restore happiness to your relationship because your H hasn't taken even one step towards trying to help you do that.

I get that it's hard for you to take in that everything's changed and you can't keep going on the path you were on. It comes naturally to you to try to make things work how they should, but your H continues to sabotage that.

Please talk to your friends about it again; they clearly have your best interests at heart, which H does not.

He is not a good father. A good father is far more than bedtime stories and board games. A good father treats the whole family with kindness and respect.

His actions show that he pursues his own comfort and needs above those of his wife, mistress and daughters.

His words show that in this situation he's prepared to blame others (you) but not prepared to entertain the idea that the situation is his responsibility.

Your motivations are admirable but you can't fix this situation (however much he tries to lay the blame at your door).

So sorry OP.

How can u get over it when it’s still going on. You have every right to be angry. Your posts seem to be all about dh what about your feelings
He’s not a great dad treating u like this he doesn’t financially support you and dc
If you choose to stay with him you will be forever not wanting to upset him about anything incase he cheats either with her or someone else further down the line

You are angry because you are trapped in a prison and you are more angry because you are having to suppress this terrible (and completely justified )anger.
Hiding it from your DDs , hiding it from the jerk you are married to. The anger will make you ill at this rate.
I don’t know what your DF did that was so awful but you claim DH is a great dad so let him be that great dad out of this sham of a marriage. He can do that with shared care of the Dds.
First go and see a solicitor and get in writing how things will be financially after you separate. Then you plan calmly the best arrangement for you and DDs knowing the facts.
Apologise for threatening to keep the DDs from him if you divorce and say you want the best future for all of you.
But say to him you and he need to separate but you both love DDs and must come to the best plan for them. As soon as possible.

Op my parents split when I was 9, df was a serial cheat and dm finally decided enough was enough.
It was the best thing she could have done for us, we got our mum back instead of the wreck she was when they were married. She also showed us to have respect for yourselves and not tolerate being treated badly.
Not all divorce is bad

Oh User0811 I'm so sorry you are being treated like this. You deserve so much more. You should be with someone who loves you and only wants the best of everything for you.

Your husband is a monster.

Your husband is a cheat.
Your husband is a liar.
Your husband is an abuser.
Your husband is a manipulator.
Your husband is a user.
Your husband is a freeloader.

He is not a good husband and he certainly isnt a good father. A good father doesn't treat their mother like this.

Your daughters need a mum who is strong, happy and emotionally fulfilled. A mum who shows them what behaviour is acceptable in relationships and what is not.

You are such a strong woman for staying and trying to make this relationship work for your girls. Sadly you are fighting a one sided battle against a man who only puts his selfish wants first. Do you think for one minute he is thinking about how his actions are affecting your daughters? He doesn't care how they are destroying you, he certainly doesn't care how your girls will carry these life lessons with them always.

Now you need to be a strong woman and say "ENOUGH".
Get him to leave. Go to a solicitor. Start divorce proceedings.

IGNORE all his pleading, wailing, crocodile tears, false promises, lies and bullshit. You are his golden goose, his ticket to an easy life being financed by you. All the money that you earn that he spends by not having a job "because he's a writer" and leeching off you, that money should be for your girls and you. You will be so better off emotionally and financially without this millstone round your neck. I cannot promise that it wont be painful, hard work and scary at first. Being a single parent can be all these things, i know from experience , but it is so much better than this existence. The pain in time will fade, the hard work will be so rewarding and the fear will disappear when you see how far you and your girls will grow by removing all the negativity (your husband) from this situation.

Life is too short to live like this. Not just your life but the lives of your daughters that are only just starting. Give them the tools, knowledge and experience to not repeat these patterns. Give them the good lives they deserve. And give yourself it too.

the more you post, the more my heart breaks for you. So it turns out that he's also a cocklodger? Quelle surprise.

I really hope that you find the strength to have a proper talk with him about this, and to make some decisions based on what will be good for you, not him.

I didn't think it was possible to feel worse or more angry than I do... but it is. I'm going to lay it all on the line with him tonight and ask him to move out for a bit.

I need the space.. I can't think straight. this thread has confused me even more.. or opened my eyes.. i'm not sure. All I had hoped for was others to tell me they had found a way to trust their husbands again.

I need to see if he goes to her. If he does, that's it. that's it.. words I never I thought I'd have to think or write. THAT'S IT, that's the end of my marriage. I'm looking at my wedding ring, a stupid meaningless symbol ive worn for what feels like forever... that's the end of my marriage... a life without the man I have loved for nearly 20 years.

This is the worst I have ever felt... I couldn't hold myself together at work today so I left and am sat in the square reading all of this over and over again.

My husband is a liar and a cheat and nothing I say or do can make him love me or want me more than he wants her. He can pretend otherwise for the sake of our girls and his lifestyle. But he doesn't want me really... he's forced into wanting me because of our past. He'd much rather have his future with her.

D

Sorry... don’t be vague about the timeline. Not “a bit” - you want him to move out for six months to give you space to think. That’s much less than the amount of time he’s been fucking you around for so if he won’t even extend that courtesy it will be telling. You don’t want him going to her then crawling back when the bubble goes pop, or hanging out on someone’s sofa pending his return. He owes you time and space to decide what YOU want.

Good luck. He will cry and snivel, but on this occasion try and steel yourself against it. I would tell him he mentally fucked off and left his family 18 months ago so it's time he did it physically.

I'm sorry this is so awful for you. It makes me feel so sad how people can let you down in life.
The only lesson I have learned is that the only person you can rely on is yourself. It's a fucking hard lesson. But sadly it's the truth.
I'm not trying to make generalisations as life is complicated, but I am always astounded how (some) men can compartmentalise all this shit. And make everyone believe them.
It just saddens me deeply.

Just wanted to send
Your anger is good. It is righteous and you should listen to it. You cannot forgive someone who is not remorseful. You cannot save a marriage when only one person is invested. I’m sorry xx

Also: the OW is utterly irrelevant. What’s important is how you feel, what you want. And he knows that the more space he gives you, the less likely it is that you’ll decide you want him. I suspect his relationship with her now exists largely as a threat to keep you in your place - that is, maintaining him in comfortable indolence.

I'm so sad for you, user0811.
Don't offer to pay for accommodation, or anything else, for him. He's messed up, so he can sort things out for himself.
6 months is a good timescale to say you need, to think things through.
{{hugs}} to you

Yes if needs to make the rent he’ll have to get a job. In a shop perhaps.

You need to be strong OP because he will go to her and when he’s had enough he’ll cry you a few tears and expect to come back again. And what he won’t expect is for you to say no.

You must see that he’s having his cake and eating it. He has two women fighting over him! And he knows that any time he falls out with one of you or changes his mind either one of you will take him back. You must be able to see how he is playing you.

It about time you put yourself in charge and told him to fuck off. And stop believing the tears and protestations. He knows you’ll have him back anytime, it’s all a game.

Op I haven't rtft but pack his bags and change the locks.
HE cheated so HE ended your marriage.
All you did was defend yourself.

I'm so sorry for you. I've been there.
Get your dc sorted in bed then allow yourself to grieve for your marriage.
Have you got a friend who can come and stay. My best friend stayed 7 days and was invaluable.
Just take it day by day.
Good luck