Divorcing H but also having an EA

[niteandfog]

Name was changes but some of you might remember me from a holiday from hell with friends and an emotionally abusive husband (he's against I take any medication for my condition, very close to my BF, usually puts obstacles around me getting new friends). Well, yesterday I made the decision to divorce him.

It was not the abuse itself (although yes he's not the best and he'd rather make a point than stop me from going into a MH back hole). But rather that we genuinely have nothing in common apart from raising our daughter. We for married because I got pregnant, but I already wanted out when this happened, so I don't think I ever had the best chances for a good marriage, but I tried for 7+ years. Well that's decided I'm telling him after Christmas.

What made me change my mind? Here's where the EA kicks in. No, I'm not leaving my H to be with OM. But I saw my reflection in his depression and realised there was no way I wanted that for me, being so depressed can't be good for raising a healthy family.

For better or for worse I am indeed falling in love with the OM and he is as well. We are way more compatible that I ever was with my H and he seems to be trapped in a similar story to mine. We chat in the evenings and spend all day texting. We do meet at least once a week and we've kissed once.

Oddly enough our relationship started more as a "sexy" thing but it has moved to a more mellow relationship ever since we discovered that we were compatible and we longed for similar things. We've even had a few "I love yous". Which the objective me say they're not real, but eve if I can call that love I can definitely recognize that we're both falling in love. Oh and he's married and has two children.

I know the advice is to stop seeing the OM, get my ducks in a row, divorce and then figure out if I can work it out with the OM. But his friendship will surely keep me afloat for what's ahead of me.

I know it sounds beyond clichéd but I do feel I could have a future with OM (even my sister agrees!) but I know the odds aren't in our favour.

Almost a year ago I created this thread. Things are very, very different. his DS has come so, so far. He’s probably the smartest boy I know. For the past month, his DC and I have started to build a relationship. They want to get to know me, they’re curious about me. They’ve stayed overnight, we have dinner together. We viewed a house together and talked about the future no animosity just pure openness. I had to drop off some stuff they forgot at home and his DS stayed up so he could hang out with me. My DP and I have slowed things a bit (so no more secret weddings, we’ll wait until everybody can be there and be at peace), no TTC (for now) until we’re all settled in our new roles. His divorce is processing (yes I was made co-respondent) but his exW and I had a civil chat a few weeks ago. Ive met all of his family and he has met mine. Children seem happy and settled . I never thought not even in a million years this would be us. It’s early days in this new stage of our lives but it does feel like we’ve left our past behind and we’re happy.

Hey OP. Life is complicated. We don't always do things we are proud of, but if you try to make the best of it then sometimes you can end up in a good place.

Look after yourself.

Thank you alvinp that’s a very kind message.