Divorcing H but also having an EA

[niteandfog]

Name was changes but some of you might remember me from a holiday from hell with friends and an emotionally abusive husband (he's against I take any medication for my condition, very close to my BF, usually puts obstacles around me getting new friends). Well, yesterday I made the decision to divorce him.

It was not the abuse itself (although yes he's not the best and he'd rather make a point than stop me from going into a MH back hole). But rather that we genuinely have nothing in common apart from raising our daughter. We for married because I got pregnant, but I already wanted out when this happened, so I don't think I ever had the best chances for a good marriage, but I tried for 7+ years. Well that's decided I'm telling him after Christmas.

What made me change my mind? Here's where the EA kicks in. No, I'm not leaving my H to be with OM. But I saw my reflection in his depression and realised there was no way I wanted that for me, being so depressed can't be good for raising a healthy family.

For better or for worse I am indeed falling in love with the OM and he is as well. We are way more compatible that I ever was with my H and he seems to be trapped in a similar story to mine. We chat in the evenings and spend all day texting. We do meet at least once a week and we've kissed once.

Oddly enough our relationship started more as a "sexy" thing but it has moved to a more mellow relationship ever since we discovered that we were compatible and we longed for similar things. We've even had a few "I love yous". Which the objective me say they're not real, but eve if I can call that love I can definitely recognize that we're both falling in love. Oh and he's married and has two children.

I know the advice is to stop seeing the OM, get my ducks in a row, divorce and then figure out if I can work it out with the OM. But his friendship will surely keep me afloat for what's ahead of me.

I know it sounds beyond clichéd but I do feel I could have a future with OM (even my sister agrees!) but I know the odds aren't in our favour.

Those of you berating an OP who has said she has fragile mental health and is in an abusive relationship - you are the disgusting ones, not OP. All big and hard with your anonymous comments.

OP - you’re vulnerable and you need to protect yourself. Leave your husband and stay away from OM. If he comes to you later as a single man then you can slowly find out what he is made of, when you’re both in a position to get to know each other.

He's not leaving his wife.... so prepare yourself and accept your status as his bit on the side.

From your description of him here and on the other side he hasnt he hasn't got what it takes to leave his marriage and nothing says he wants to leave.

Your marriage is abusive ... his isn't and a man having an affair doesn't actually mean he doesn't love his wife.... he may just want some extra. You're the ketchup for his chips.... not necessary... but nice to have.

Most MM having affairs want a wife and a side piece ... not one or the other.

If being second best suits you.... if sneaking around is your thing....if not giving a damn that children are involved and could be seriously affected by infidelity and your actions ... then carry on.

When it's all over and you're a shadow of your former self ...... you'll have a different view.

Those of you berating an OP who has said she has fragile mental health and is in an abusive relationship - you are the disgusting ones, not OP. All big and hard with your anonymous comments.

Absolutely.

Let without sin cast the first stone. And that means any sin.

We haven't even remotely approached the subject of leaving our spouses. He doesn't know I'm in an abusive marriage. I've kept the details of my failed marriage to me.

We've only been in this affair for two weeks. I used to shut down any conversation about our kids or spouses, but we talk so much that it is impossible not to. For the same reason I can tell that he doesn't spend that much time with his wife. Yes, he is at home but they only spend some time together for the odd evening TV show.

He pursued me, just in the same way I accepted his advances (that period did take a few months) without knowing we were so similar.

It doesn't matter if they watch the same 60 min TV show once a week and never see or speak to each other apart from that: he is married

LEAVE HIM ALONE.

But do consider spinning that "my H is having an affair. I'm devastated. We live in a small village - everyone knows, I even know her to be friendly to though we're not friends - I feel humiliated. Apparently, we grew apart. News to me! There's work, we have young kids - of course we didn't have much time. But we still had those lovely companionable just crash in front of crap TV together moments. I thought we were OK and these were the inevitable hard years with young kids."

Don't be a fool OP.

I used to shut down any conversation about our kids or spouses, but we talk so much that it is impossible not to. For the same reason I can tell that he doesn't spend that much time with his wife. Yes, he is at home but they only spend some time together for the odd evening TV show.

Great so not only are you having an affair but the two of you are gossiping about his family. Nice.

What he says to you and vice versa isn't always the reality.

I bet he'll be telling you next he doesn't sleep in the same bed as her and they don't have sex. I bet if you asked his wife she'd tell you different.

You're making it sound like I'm chasing him which I'm not.

We don't gossip about his family we just talk about how our lives are, and he's the one who has asked me about my daughter. We both have rules around our hobbies in our households (which oddly enough are very similar) .

I know this is textbook affair but because I genuinely think we could be happy together we need to do things in the right order. I don't know if he feels the same way or not, well he has said it to me.. and yes that's textbook affair again, but because it's so cliched I can't let myself believe all of it.

You want your child to have a 'normal' Christmas but don't care what danger your affair has on your OM's children's Christmas or indeed lives. Nice.

Leaving your husband is the right thing to do. Taking part in destroying someone else's marriage is not.

Quite frankly I find it disgusting that not only are you cheating on your husband rather than doing the decent thing and leaving him before starting a relationship with someone new, but the OM is married too. With children. And you know his wife. And act all friendly with her. Whilst sticking your tongue down her husband's throat.

I know this is textbook affair but because I genuinely think we could be happy together we need to do things in the right order

Yet you aren't are you? You arent doing things in the right order. You are bith lying, cheating and being deceitful. You are having an affair of the DH of someone you are friendly with. How exactly do you think this is going to end?

We live in a village. It's in our best interest that nobody ever finds out.

I wouldn't count on the fact someone already knows.

why do you keep saying that he should leave his wife? That's nothing to do with you. I would bet my right arm that things in his marriage are nothing like how he's telling you they are.
And also you seem to think you'd genuinely get along if you were together? He has no respect for his own wife and children so why would he have any for you? A married woman who was willing to sleep with a married man?
I do know what it's like to feel trapped in a marriage and for that I empathise with you however that is absolutely no excuse for having an affair. Get over yourself. Get out of your marriage and rebuild a life with your daughter and more importantly find a single man when you are single yourself

Well... I don't think someone who plans and premeditates an affair would love their spouse. At least not in the "standard" way.

And yes I agree, I was easy, I might have had my own reasons for being that way but things changed. Both of us thought of each other as a fling. but the more we talked, the more we realised that actually we're a good match.

You can actually tell in how our conversations have shifted from raunchy to mellow.

I really don't know why you are posting tbh.

You are having an affair plain and simple. You seem convinced he will leave his DC and DW. I will bet my bottom dollar he won't.

You are playing with fire. Having an affair with a friends DH in a small village.

You will end up getting burnt.

And so will he.... All school gate affairs in the village have ended in divorce, I know of at least 4.

and why do I post? well I've read threads here were some MN's actually start a meaningful relationship from their affair. I'm hoping to be one of those.

I'm hoping to be one of those.

I'm hoping to be one of those.

Are you divorcing your husband to be with this man or because you want a divorce.

What happens if you divorce him and your OM says he wants to end the affair would your feelings change.

I do think you should divorce H however not for anyone else but yourself.

I think you need to tell OM your divorcing and let him decide. Don't let him string you on.

Also please think about OM rationally. It has been two weeks ? Sorry OP don't mean to sound harsh but don't put all your eggs in this affair basket.

I've been wanting to be out of my marriage for years now, simply the OM was the catalyst, but not in the way that I WANT TO BE WITH HIM. Which yes, it would be nice. but more in the way that i deserve a life of my own with someone more compatible or by myself enjoying the things i love to do without someone constantly berating me.

If he disappears today I would still be grateful for showing me that I have no reason to stay where I am.

I think your last post is the one which makes most sense.

Good luck .

I do think a divorce is best for sure.

I can't believe how naive you are being. So many red flags with this bloke.

He says he loves you after 2 weeks of texting. Yeah, right. You've never dated, never had a holiday, never lived together...how could he love you? He wants in to your knickers.

He is willing to cheat on his wife. Not only that, but with someone who he knows that his wife is friendly with. How fucking disrespectful to her.

If he can treat his wife, who is the mother of his child, with such utter disdain, how do you think he will treat you?

Why don't you text him right now, and tell him that you're leaving your DH and you'd like to make a go of it, with him? I can GUARANTEE you that the only think you will hear is the roll of Tumbleweed....Or better yet, turn up on his doorstep and watch him tell his wife that you are lying/deranged.

He won't leave his wife. They are still sleeping together, no matter what crap he tells you. He is one of those guys who can compartmentalise, ie. he can love and sleep with his wife, but enjoys the attention from other women. He needs the ego boost.

You won't be the only OW that he has on the go either. There will be three or four women he's sexting.

Cut contact. Leave your husband. Then see how the land lies from there.

I've been wanting to be out of my marriage for years now, simply the OM was the catalyst

I totally understand this, and based on your earlier threads, I think you leaving your marriage is really best for you and for your child.

So the OM is the catalyst. That's all fine and well, but do try to be realistic about him because otherwise you could get really hurt. It's possible that the reason that you seem to have so much in common with him is because he is playing you. It's possible that he is really, really good at figuring out what a woman wants to hear and then saying it. It's also possible that he is abusive and/or manipulative; the chances of you ending up in an abusive/manipulative relationship are higher because of the way your husband is.

Please try to keep your head on straight, and find your own strength to build your life. Just for you and your child, not for a man.

Peace

It's true. I need to start thinking about a life after divorce. Which I am really looking forward to. I'll finally be able to "recover" my dogs from my mum and have them in my life, not just when I'm visiting.

I know i have a lot to lose. Even though, I'm not originally from this area, i plan to stay because my daughter has a life here and she deserves to continue with her normal life.

For me OM aside, it's really hard to maintain the status quo with my H. I know my mum supports me, but it's going to be really tough when I tell him. i'm sure he'll tell me I'm just having crazy thoughts due to my MH issues. I have to remain strong and push harder.

I hope I can go the 2 year route, but frankly the sooner this is over with the better. I think I'll have to sell the house (unless my family help me buy his half). I'm really looking forward to being free. i'm not sad, I'm actually euphoric. The only sadness that I have is seeing my daughter loving her daddy and knowing that here day to day with him will be different. But i'd rather be sane, I have to put myself first.

I won't tell the OM I'm divorcing, not until I've told my H. I don't think he'll even understand how he can be the catalyst, but regardless, like I've said I'll always be grateful, because even if he's lying to get me into bed with him, I can see him being caged, a similar cage to mine and I don't want that for the rest of my life.

I feel like the rest of my life has just begun.

At the expense of other people's happiness.

I know of at least three people who have ended their lives after their spouses cheated on them. Still feel worth it?

I won't tell the OM I'm divorcing, not until I've told my H

How very gracious of you

But we've already done it's not like it can be undone. And no my happiness is not at her expense, yes he makes me happy, but my real happiness comes from having the courage to divorce.