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Original poster

Divorcing H but also having an EA

153 replies

niteandfog · 07/11/2017 05:31

Name was changes but some of you might remember me from a holiday from hell with friends and an emotionally abusive husband (he's against I take any medication for my condition, very close to my BF, usually puts obstacles around me getting new friends). Well, yesterday I made the decision to divorce him.

It was not the abuse itself (although yes he's not the best and he'd rather make a point than stop me from going into a MH back hole). But rather that we genuinely have nothing in common apart from raising our daughter. We for married because I got pregnant, but I already wanted out when this happened, so I don't think I ever had the best chances for a good marriage, but I tried for 7+ years. Well that's decided I'm telling him after Christmas.

What made me change my mind? Here's where the EA kicks in. No, I'm not leaving my H to be with OM. But I saw my reflection in his depression and realised there was no way I wanted that for me, being so depressed can't be good for raising a healthy family.

For better or for worse I am indeed falling in love with the OM and he is as well. We are way more compatible that I ever was with my H and he seems to be trapped in a similar story to mine. We chat in the evenings and spend all day texting. We do meet at least once a week and we've kissed once.

Oddly enough our relationship started more as a "sexy" thing but it has moved to a more mellow relationship ever since we discovered that we were compatible and we longed for similar things. We've even had a few "I love yous". Which the objective me say they're not real, but eve if I can call that love I can definitely recognize that we're both falling in love. Oh and he's married and has two children.

I know the advice is to stop seeing the OM, get my ducks in a row, divorce and then figure out if I can work it out with the OM. But his friendship will surely keep me afloat for what's ahead of me.

I know it sounds beyond clichéd but I do feel I could have a future with OM (even my sister agrees!) but I know the odds aren't in our favour.

OP posts:
Original poster
niteandfog · 13/11/2017 21:37

Yes, I reckon that is unfortunate.. Well the whole situation is. I know she'll hate me for life.

OP posts:
Teabay · 20/01/2018 07:40

Why do you think your daughter will live with you and be better off with you, not her dad?
You have said you struggle with your MH, do not have a support network, you are having an affair with someone who is committed to another family and you haven't considered anyone elses feelings except your own.

You told us that your DH loves his child, supports his child, proposed when you accidentally fell pregnant, and is loyal to you both.

Maybe he will be the most constant and present parent to her?

I know you don't want to hear this, but nowadays it's the best PARENT, not simply the woman. Sexism works both ways.

Your child deserves more from you, poor thing.

Olikingcharles · 20/01/2018 12:41

In my recent experience i can see the OM will just disappear not heard from again in the near future. OM is telling you all the things you want to hear...he wants to be with you but things are difficult he wants to do it the right way etc. My OM said all the same things. I too was taken in by all that. Six months on i'm alone, lost in a fog of emotions. I've lost all my dignity and self respect for what i still don't understand what the point of it was. We too never slept together ( the whole sneaking away to be together i couldn't do). Slowly the messages and calls slowed to a few rushed texts, then boom it would ram up again. Then all of a sudden there'd be no answer or work was really busy. Few weeks of full on again all seems as good as it can be in these situation, then you get blocked on SM ( for no apparent reason). Calls and text still come though then the ghosting starts completly nothing. Boom gone in a puff...Forget the OM he's just from my experience for whatever reason playing with you ( god knows why they do this? Still trying figure that one out.) Don't leave yourself open to anymore emotional/ mental torment than you've already had. It's not worth it!!! Good luck.

Olikingcharles · 20/01/2018 12:53

You have a lot more to lose than i did no children involved in my case and given your MH issues you could indeed lose your child if this should all blow up. Therapy will be on cards as it is now for me. I'm really struggling just get out of bed and put it all together atm. Take care of you and your child first.

Original poster
niteandfog · 20/01/2018 15:45

I never said my DD would be better just with me? I could leave her to her dad but that would mean half her heritage would be lost. Plus , she would feel abandoned by her mom.

btw my OM has left his wife.

OP posts:
gratefulhateful · 20/01/2018 16:10

I cannot wait until all of this blows up in your face spectacularly.
You don't realise how much you are fucking your life up.

Original poster
niteandfog · 20/01/2018 16:32

Thanks for the wishes....

OP posts:
ferrier · 20/01/2018 17:02

I will certainly give you genuine good wishes.
Mn for sure gets the knives out on anyone who dares have feelings for another man Hmm
How are you getting on with divorcing your h nite?

gratefulhateful · 20/01/2018 17:04

Do you really not see how damaged you are?
I don't want to be mean to you, I'm sorry for being harsh honestly but do you have a conscience? if so please use it.
also think about getting some counselling

DevilTree · 20/01/2018 17:14

And have you left your husband, Nite?

Original poster
niteandfog · 20/01/2018 17:20

I have left him, I move out in a couple of days. And yes I go to counseling once a week.

OP posts:
Olikingcharles · 20/01/2018 19:49

I am sending you all the best and hope some genuine happiness comes your way. It's not easy in these situations i know that. Good health to you as well. Be kind to yourself.

ferrier · 22/01/2018 19:54

That's great news. I hope everything works out well now you've got that hurdle out of the way.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 22/01/2018 20:49

Have you moved in together Nite or will you both wait a while? How did his wife take it?

Original poster
niteandfog · 23/01/2018 07:23

No, we're not.moving in together. At least not for a while. His wife hasn't taken it well at all. He wants to leave the family home in relative good terms for the kids (a bit like I did but my process was way too long) .... But the longer he waits the more the wife suspects were involved. She deleted my FB from his and made him stop following me on IG. She thinks it's too much of a coincidence that I moved out and he magically wants to divorce.

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 23/01/2018 08:28

I can understand why she is putting 2+2 together but think it's a good idea to wait a while until the dust settles

Original poster
niteandfog · 23/01/2018 10:14

Well I don't think it will make any difference? It's going to be obvious in 6 Months time of what happened , thats what I think at least

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 23/01/2018 11:12

Well you've both just come out of a relationship. I'm presuming your daughter is with you so why would you move a man in straight away. Surely her needs and emotions would come first, above someone you know a few months?

Original poster
niteandfog · 23/01/2018 12:18

Oh no, he's not moving in.. the that's not part of the plan at all... Visit when my daughter is not around, sure, but not permanently, not at all. I do think he should just move out... Every day that passes I think we're making it more obvious, my divorce, people have seen us running together...

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 23/01/2018 12:24

So he's left his wife but hasn't moved out? Do you believe him? Why doesn't he just go if they've separated?

justifiede · 23/01/2018 15:49

if he's left his wife then why would he let her delete you on fb and ig?
Secondly I get the whole seperated but living together as I was in that situation once however I don't think you should believe him in this situation.
He's playing you like a fiddle.

justifiede · 23/01/2018 15:51

By the way he's probably still sleeping with his wife as well as you, yuk.
You did state on either this or your other thread that you have indeed slept together and then on another thread you say you haven't.

Greatestshow · 23/01/2018 20:36

To clarify you say you have both left your partners but have either of you actually moved out?

Original poster
niteandfog · 24/01/2018 05:14

I just recently moved out (two days ago). For all terms and purposes yes he has left her. The FB / IG puzzles me a bit but he's trying to deny in every possible way we're together (people have seen us but not doing anything particularly suspicious). My ex asked me the same at some point but I said no... But he's very fearful about the custody thing, I get it. Men don't make huge drama just because, they're simple creatures. And its in the small details that I can tell he's not dying... And we've had sex, I've just said we don't have as much as an "affair" would normal have. Anyways... I'm.off this thread for a while. I'm on my days and the least I need is negativity.

OP posts:
barbitarojo · 01/02/2018 08:46

Ar3 you now together op?

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