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Original poster

Divorcing H but also having an EA

153 replies

niteandfog · 07/11/2017 05:31

Name was changes but some of you might remember me from a holiday from hell with friends and an emotionally abusive husband (he's against I take any medication for my condition, very close to my BF, usually puts obstacles around me getting new friends). Well, yesterday I made the decision to divorce him.

It was not the abuse itself (although yes he's not the best and he'd rather make a point than stop me from going into a MH back hole). But rather that we genuinely have nothing in common apart from raising our daughter. We for married because I got pregnant, but I already wanted out when this happened, so I don't think I ever had the best chances for a good marriage, but I tried for 7+ years. Well that's decided I'm telling him after Christmas.

What made me change my mind? Here's where the EA kicks in. No, I'm not leaving my H to be with OM. But I saw my reflection in his depression and realised there was no way I wanted that for me, being so depressed can't be good for raising a healthy family.

For better or for worse I am indeed falling in love with the OM and he is as well. We are way more compatible that I ever was with my H and he seems to be trapped in a similar story to mine. We chat in the evenings and spend all day texting. We do meet at least once a week and we've kissed once.

Oddly enough our relationship started more as a "sexy" thing but it has moved to a more mellow relationship ever since we discovered that we were compatible and we longed for similar things. We've even had a few "I love yous". Which the objective me say they're not real, but eve if I can call that love I can definitely recognize that we're both falling in love. Oh and he's married and has two children.

I know the advice is to stop seeing the OM, get my ducks in a row, divorce and then figure out if I can work it out with the OM. But his friendship will surely keep me afloat for what's ahead of me.

I know it sounds beyond clichéd but I do feel I could have a future with OM (even my sister agrees!) but I know the odds aren't in our favour.

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 07/11/2017 11:31

Sorry OP - just read there are two children involved. Please dont ruin their lives 'for a bit of fun on the side'. Spare a thought for the children and not your own selfish reasons. Please.

Original poster
niteandfog · 07/11/2017 11:39

I'm not excusing myself.. but my original thoughts were that he'd done it before, he's the one with no respect for his own family. Now I'm not entirely sure about anything.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 07/11/2017 12:34

The more you say about him, the worse he sounds.

Use your experiences to motivate you through your separation, but leave om alone until you're single.

FWIW, the things he's said to you are utterly textbook.

WitchesHatRim · 07/11/2017 12:39

I'm not excusing myself.. but my original thoughts were that he'd done it before, he's the one with no respect for his own family. Now I'm not entirely sure about anything.

Yet excusing yourself is what you are doing.

You are also having an affair don't forget.

WitchesHatRim · 07/11/2017 12:40

I just wanted some fun on the side...

Then get divorced yourself first and do it with some one who isn't married!

You seem to also miss that you are a cheater too.

Original poster
niteandfog · 07/11/2017 12:44

Yes, I know they're text book affair conversations. But I could say exactly the same things about him. Besides what does he get out of all of that? He knew I would sleep with him, no need for sweet talking. It seems pathological to want to make someone in love with you for the sake of it

OP posts:
GeriT · 07/11/2017 12:46

Why don't you tell your husband now?

Havent you hurt him enough? Do you make any effort with him?

Original poster
niteandfog · 07/11/2017 12:46

Believe me I'm aware that I'm a cheater. In fact if either of our spouses saw our messages they would have every single right to divorce us.

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 07/11/2017 12:51

You are massively vulnerable
If he does feel the same way about you as you do about him, then he will understand that you need time on your own without contact. You need to deal with your current life and work on getting out and becoming your own person
It is very common for someone trying to escape unhappiness to cling to what they think is the nearest lifeboat.
Only it isn't a lifeboat at all. It will drag you further down.
Think, sort yourself out too, and if in a year or so you are both single then it might work out.
I'm not going to say bad shit about him, because we just don't know.
The only think I know, is if he was a good kind person he would realise that he cannot continue to see you in this situation.
We all need an escape route sometimes, but some escape routes are not what you think they are
Flowers

Original poster
niteandfog · 07/11/2017 12:51

GeriT I will after Christmas. I want I have one last normal Christmas. And yes this will hurt him. But he also hurts me every time he'd rather have a fight and drive me to have suicidal thoughts than just keep the peace. All out of principle.

OP posts:
eggncress · 07/11/2017 12:54

I know where you’re coming from. My marriage has been a sham for years.i wanted divorce few years ago he said no... wouldn’t move out either and I wasn’t in position to due to kids, pets etc So was living separate lives under same roof for years , feeling emotionally dead and unsexy. I was going to wait another 2 years before moving out ( kids will be grown up) but recently got in touch with male friend from past and although we didn’t meet , chat got a bit steamy. We decided to stop as he is married too but it certainly gave me the motivation to at least make separation with husband official. That way I am free to meet someone else and so is he. I do understand your situation though but would advise break it off with OM. plenty nice single guys who will make you feel the same . Good luck.

GeriT · 07/11/2017 12:54

Are you innocent in all this? In terms of fights. You got some examples?

Has he been that bad of a husband?

Original poster
niteandfog · 07/11/2017 13:05

GeriT are you for real?? My husband gave an ultimatum about taking medication it was either him or the meds... He's groped me in public and in private against my will. He's made cry because I lost him for 5 mins at a hotel. I'll be excited about something and point blank just tell me "I'm not interested". Do you need any more?

OP posts:
Rejectedwoman · 07/11/2017 13:13

I don't doubt your feelings . I am going through an almost identical thing right now but he's not married and he's pretty much dumped me. Maybe you are clinging on to him as yes you like him, but he represents an escape, physical, mental and sexual from your marriage. It's so hard I know x Flowers

Ellisandra · 07/11/2017 13:24

Ugh, I'm embarrassed for you that you've fallen for some clichéd codswallop from a married man.

I've also lost some sympathy for you with the looking for a bit of fun comment Hmm from a married man with children, huh? Pull yourself together.

I am sympathetic to the "exit affair" - when the spark with someone else, or just kindness and attention from them makes you realise that you need to leave a sham of an unhappy marriage. But that doesn't fit with looking for fun on the side.

You should walk away completely from this married man because:

  • you're married
  • he's married
  • if you get found out it's going to make your upcoming divorce a hell of a lot harder
  • you are going to fall a hell of a lot harder emotionally when you separate and then realise that he is not in fact the prince you think
GeriT · 07/11/2017 13:31

niteandfog

Ok so he's been a total bastard. Leave him. Forget Christmas by the sound of it he will ruin it anyway.

Cheating is still not ok...

Original poster
niteandfog · 07/11/2017 13:46

It's true. I walked into this affair fully knowing it was an affair. I liked the idea of the "thrill", I was up for it. He didn't know it though That's why everything was so very NSA , but now it has evolved into this "puppy love" thing.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 07/11/2017 13:51

You're friendly with his wife!

I'm sorry, you're beyond disgusting.

Ellisandra · 07/11/2017 13:57

NSA?

Original poster
niteandfog · 07/11/2017 13:58

NSA = No strings attached

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 07/11/2017 16:43

You don't need to wait until after Christmas. Do it now.

Original poster
niteandfog · 07/11/2017 16:53

I want to give my daughter one last normal Christmas, that's all.

OP posts:
CoyoteCafe · 07/11/2017 16:55

I think you need to get your ducks in a row and get out of your marriage as quickly as possible.

I think I remember you from before your name change, and, if so, I think you are in DANGER. If your controlling husband figures out what you are up to, he could harm you or your child or make it much more difficult to leave.

Forget about Christmas, just work on getting yourself OUT so that you are safe. You have lots more Christmases after this one (unless your husband kills you or drives you to suicide).

The OM is a just a distraction from your personal safety.

I know this reply sounds extreme based only on this thread -- if you are who I think you are (you run, your husband is chubby, he had a thing with your only friend), please please get out while you can.

CoyoteCafe · 07/11/2017 16:55

You need to give your daughter a normal life. You need to get her out.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/11/2017 17:11

* I want to give my daughter one last normal Christmas, that's all.*

There won’t be a normal Christmas. It’ll be another dysfunctional one. You are unmedicated for a medical condition; he’ll pick fights, the atmosphere will be awful and your marriage isn’t so much falling down as gasping for its last breath.

There’s no normal to save now. Move on and have the first new Christmas. There will always be a reason not to, always something coming up. Cut the string and give your daughter more of a childhood that’s not entirely dysfunctional. She deserves that; and she’ll eventually value that a hell of a lot more than a last “normal” Christmas.