Divorcing H but also having an EA

[niteandfog]

Name was changes but some of you might remember me from a holiday from hell with friends and an emotionally abusive husband (he's against I take any medication for my condition, very close to my BF, usually puts obstacles around me getting new friends). Well, yesterday I made the decision to divorce him.

It was not the abuse itself (although yes he's not the best and he'd rather make a point than stop me from going into a MH back hole). But rather that we genuinely have nothing in common apart from raising our daughter. We for married because I got pregnant, but I already wanted out when this happened, so I don't think I ever had the best chances for a good marriage, but I tried for 7+ years. Well that's decided I'm telling him after Christmas.

What made me change my mind? Here's where the EA kicks in. No, I'm not leaving my H to be with OM. But I saw my reflection in his depression and realised there was no way I wanted that for me, being so depressed can't be good for raising a healthy family.

For better or for worse I am indeed falling in love with the OM and he is as well. We are way more compatible that I ever was with my H and he seems to be trapped in a similar story to mine. We chat in the evenings and spend all day texting. We do meet at least once a week and we've kissed once.

Oddly enough our relationship started more as a "sexy" thing but it has moved to a more mellow relationship ever since we discovered that we were compatible and we longed for similar things. We've even had a few "I love yous". Which the objective me say they're not real, but eve if I can call that love I can definitely recognize that we're both falling in love. Oh and he's married and has two children.

I know the advice is to stop seeing the OM, get my ducks in a row, divorce and then figure out if I can work it out with the OM. But his friendship will surely keep me afloat for what's ahead of me.

I know it sounds beyond clichéd but I do feel I could have a future with OM (even my sister agrees!) but I know the odds aren't in our favour.

@CoyoteCafe yes that's me :)

you do realise that this man is cheating on his wife with whom he has two children, he is treating his family disgustingly and you think this is the man you want to be with? He has no morals and neither do you frankly youre cheating on both your husband and daughter.
Grow up.

Please get out. For your own sake, for your child's sake.

Christmas won't be any more normal than that holiday last summer was. It's just an excuse, a way to procrastinate. You aren't safe.

I really worry about what will happen if he finds out about the EA.

I think that your husband will do everything he can to make you crazy and also make you look crazy. I think he could try to use it against you to try for custody just to get back at you.

I think that your focus needs to be on yourself, your mental health, and making sure that by every measure possible you look sane.

Forget about the OM for awhile, and focus on your own life. You are in a difficult, precarious situation. Extricating yourself from it will take all your effort.

OP... It's great to see you posted your story on the OW support site.... as you can see the responses are as I predicted... and that's from those who have been in affairs as the OW and the MM.

If nothing else think about all the childtrg involved.

You had my sympathy until I see you're having an affair with someone else's husband.

My dh had an affair. I met up with an ex who had done something official for me. Made it clear he fancied a shag. Would have served dh right maybe but no, kept my pants on. Wouldn't hurt another woman like I've been hurt. Having deprsssion doesn't give you a free card to be a horrible person. I've had it enough to be able to say that.

ElephantsandTigers Wow...Thank You!! Thank You!!

well surely both of us are at fault. Neither of us is innocent I'm not proud either.. but well we're both cheaters, we're both in an affair. He should leave his wife, not to be with me, but because he clearly doesn't love her. you don't have a premeditated affair if you love your OH.

Is he the husband of your friend? The friend who had a relationship with your husband?

GeriT ?

Do you want your husband to read your messages to find out about this affair? I just get the feeling you do and so if HE makes the decision to leave you - it’s all on him. Also do you want this man to leave his wife? For you?

CoyoteCafe completely unrelated.

midnightmisssuki no to both. My AP doesn't owe me anything. I do think he's unhappy and clearly doesn't love his wife so he should leave

“We’re both cheaters” is irrelevant. His bad behaviour doesn’t justify yours, even if he’s done it a thousand times before.

Elephants What you said about depression hit home with me x

Oh and BTW what I have is more similar to being bipolar with a bit of OCD and schizophrenia. The difference is my feelings aren't real, but I still feel them. And I've never used my MH as an excuse.

Nothing anyone says is going to sho you. So what's the point in your post?

You're hellbent on pursuing it .... no matter who gets hurt.

Some people only learn from experience.

Seriously? I feel sorry for his wife.

And the three children involved.

We live in a village. It's in our best interest that nobody ever finds out. And well I don't know what the point of this post is. I guess I desperately want it to be real, and every message I get is bittersweet because I know it won't work out. I wish I had met him 10 years ago.

Know this: if you had met him 10 years ago, he'd currently be bored with you and it would be his wife who was the fun dalliance to play puppy love with behind your back.

Well i don't think love lasts forever. But I know that he has first to accept that he doesn't love his wife anymore. The decent thing was to talk to her before pursuing me.

If you don't think love lasts forever then you either shouldn't have got married, or you should accept a loveless marriage

What is all this bollocks about him "having to accept"? Enough of the psychobullshit. He isn't in some process of acceptance. He's just another selfish shit who likes the ego massage of dicking around with the OW. It's all very tawdry.

I got married because I had to, we really didn't have a choice there. I never got a proposal or a ring, it was a proper shotgun wedding.

Just because you didn't have choices then, doesn't mean you don't have choices now.

One choice is to end your marriage, albeit after Xmas.

Another choice is to stop messing about with this married man