Divorcing H but also having an EA

[niteandfog]

Name was changes but some of you might remember me from a holiday from hell with friends and an emotionally abusive husband (he's against I take any medication for my condition, very close to my BF, usually puts obstacles around me getting new friends). Well, yesterday I made the decision to divorce him.

It was not the abuse itself (although yes he's not the best and he'd rather make a point than stop me from going into a MH back hole). But rather that we genuinely have nothing in common apart from raising our daughter. We for married because I got pregnant, but I already wanted out when this happened, so I don't think I ever had the best chances for a good marriage, but I tried for 7+ years. Well that's decided I'm telling him after Christmas.

What made me change my mind? Here's where the EA kicks in. No, I'm not leaving my H to be with OM. But I saw my reflection in his depression and realised there was no way I wanted that for me, being so depressed can't be good for raising a healthy family.

For better or for worse I am indeed falling in love with the OM and he is as well. We are way more compatible that I ever was with my H and he seems to be trapped in a similar story to mine. We chat in the evenings and spend all day texting. We do meet at least once a week and we've kissed once.

Oddly enough our relationship started more as a "sexy" thing but it has moved to a more mellow relationship ever since we discovered that we were compatible and we longed for similar things. We've even had a few "I love yous". Which the objective me say they're not real, but eve if I can call that love I can definitely recognize that we're both falling in love. Oh and he's married and has two children.

I know the advice is to stop seeing the OM, get my ducks in a row, divorce and then figure out if I can work it out with the OM. But his friendship will surely keep me afloat for what's ahead of me.

I know it sounds beyond clichéd but I do feel I could have a future with OM (even my sister agrees!) but I know the odds aren't in our favour.

Tell her then, I’m sure she’ll be delighted for you.

.

What a load of shite.

Tell your husband niteandfog.

Show real courage!!

Don't tell your abusive husband.

Just leave. Get your ducks in a row, take your child, and leave.

Look
You need to separate
Fuck Christmas
Just let go

I don't need to tell anyone anything yet. I have no support network, so I have to get everything ready for when I do. Yesterday I've already started implying that i will leave

Hi nite - I think I saw you on another site.

1. End your marriage. That is step 1 and if possible do it without the encumbrance of the MM (not just OM even if you only mention 'Oh and he's married and has two children' in passing)
2. Then if you are still interested in MM see where things stand.

Don't try and mix the two.

What he wants from you and what you mean to him is irrelevant until you are free to investigate that potential new relationship

My OM and I had "the chat“ tonight. He said he loves me and he will leave her. He said she loves.him dearly and for the same reasons we need to do things in the right order. So we're cutting all ties and see where we stand in 6 months.

OM and I had "the chat“ tonight. He said he loves me and he will leave her.

He loves you after hunting you down on social media and sending dic pics?

I don't see him leaving her...but time will tell.

So we're cutting all ties and see where we stand in 6 months

I'd love to see your update in 7 months.

You are that everyone told you what I said they would on the other side... fellow OWs like yourself even.

Can you really not find a man whose wife you dont know? Of all the men in the world.... why play so close to him

I'm afraid this affair will make your mental health even worse... in the remote chance he leaves her ... you'll have a devastated Ex wife to deal with and when she finds or about you... it will turn to anger.

Then she may well try and keep the DC away from him... then he'll go back to her .... and you'll be so much worse through the hurt than when you started.

You will do what you will do come hell or high water though.
Saddle up for the bumpy ride... it'll be like a rollercoaster.

The man your cheating with - you just said he believes that his wife loves him dearly.

And yet on the first page of this thread (10:27) you said you could make an "educated guess" about the state of his marriage, from comments and Facebook.

Those two comments don't match, and only go to show that the pair of you are full of self serving bullshit.

Don't be so stupid.

If his marriage was so shit, and he really loved you he'd be saying "let's do this" (and "how do we get away with this?")

What has actually happened is that he's dressed up some way of getting rid of you for 6 months, because you're no longer a safe convenient diversion for him to manage his ego with.

1. Tell you he'll leave for you - softly softly, don't piss you off in case you go postal and tell his wife

1. Cut contact but dress it up like he's so nice for not hurting his wife

By the way: "3" will be find someone safer to flirt with and possibly fuck.

You're a fool.

Go back to all the advice above about leaving your husband and forgetting about this arse.

He said he loves me and he will leave her.

Oh that old chestnut.

He will know your vulnerable just because you haven't said anything means nothing.

You have no idea about the state of his marriage that isn't a judgement on you it's just genuinely the truth. Some of the happiest looking marriages are in fact very miserable. No one has a clue but the people in that marriage.

I did some voluntary work with a DV charity you are at risk of getting in to other abusive relationships until you work on yourself. At the risk of sounding victim blaming statistically its unfortunately likely.

Plus can your mental health take the strain of being the OW you only have to see how vilified they are on this website to get a feel on how many people view them.

Sort out your financial stuff, leave your husband, work on your MH and do not get in to a relationship with any male at all for sometime.

Nite. It's good you are putting the affair to one side for a while. But please try really hard to do that and don't project a cosy future with him as you really don't know whether that is what you are going to need or want longer term. Maybe it will all work out with him but it's really not important right now.

Yes he was the catalyst to help you leave but he doesn't need to be the end goal.

The end goal is you and your daughter creating a new happier life for yourself.

Please go get some legal advice now. Please get your ducks in a row in your preparation to leave your revolting excuse of a husband.

Look after yourself, stay safe and ignore the hater. You and your dd come first.

OP, if it comes to light that you've had an affair you won't have any support anyway.

If it comes to light that you've cheated then it won't matter what your husband has done before, the world won't care. There are even posts on this thread from people saying that you are probably not entirely innocent during his emotional abuse, why do you think that is?

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for years. I'm not on any medication but I've been there in terms of getting excited about something only for it to be dismissed by him. Him telling me he didn't want to be seen with me because of how I dressed, telling me that he had friends and I didn't but it was alright, he loved me and I didn't need anyone else. Spying on me to see who I was talking to, taking naked pictures of me without my knowledge, bugging the house, gaslighting me into believing certain things and the list goes on.

Had I come to MN with all of that I would have been given support to leave. But then I had an affair. It was a stupid, stupid thing to do, I slept with OM twice and then it ended, and it gave me the courage to realise that I needed to leave my marriage, which I then did. Except he found out about the affair and decided to divorce me instead.

And now I am an adulterer, and he is an innocent victim, hurt by the betrayal which I put him through. I would never, ever come here for support because in MN terms I am purely an OW, and everything I got I deserved. Even five years on he is managing to turn people against me in the real world.

If this man is abusive then you need to leave him now. If he's that abusive then a normal christmas isn't that is it? Because abuse to you is normal. So you need to stop playing games and walk away now, or people will fail to take you seriously. And if the affair comes to light then your husband will be sainted overnight while you will be branded "once a cheat always a cheat."

No it's true. I have no idea of the real state of his marriage. I can connect the dots as much as I can. It appears he believes she loves him, and it is his fault for not telling her he was unhappy.

I do believe him. He even told me he's worried I'm leaving the comforts of my very middle class life to be with him. But that he's committed to making me happy.

He wants to do things the right way, he says it will take time.

Second chance that's exactly the reason Nite needs to walk away for a while.

I've been in relationship with a narc and I would have given anything for some affection from someone else but I knew it would get used against me. I would have also worried about my safety with my abusive partner had he found out.

Nite protect yourself and leave the OM on the back burner. If it's meant to be it will be but you have more pressing concerns.

Do you really want another Christmas on eggshells and under his watchful eye of your every move? If you can cope then fine but use the time well, get legal advice now.

Oh and Nite. Ignore the shite on here about having an affair, guilt is pointless at this time. You need to focus on other things. X

I do believe him.

You think his wife doesn't believe him when he probablyvsays the same to her?

You can believe him as much as you like. That doesn't alter the fact that many on here have heard posters say the same before.

He does sound like a walking cliche.

But unless he's an actual psychopath, what does he get out this? He's walked away from sex... He has no idea if my marriage is that bad (I rarely talk about it). So for all he knows he could. Be helping break up a half decent marriage.

His ego stroked? He isn't going to leave her. Let's be honest leaving someone doesn't take time does it? It's just stringing it out and stringing you along with it.
When/if you finally get together it will be you he's cheating on in a couple of years when he's got bored. Why would you have any respect for a man who can so easily have his turned when married with children? Don't go from abusive husband to a cheat who has no respect for his wife or kids.
I think the most important issue in all of this is that you get yourself back on the medication you should be taking. I do understand EA (my abusive ex said I needed an exorcism for my MH and took control of meds. Still recovering) you need to get out and back to GP/psychiatrist. While unmediated you're not well, possibly making irrational decisions? I think it's important to get that sorted first.

Yes, as of last week I'm medicated. First step taken.

I think if it were to workout with him, we would have to accept that we're together as long as we love each other. Have constant open communication.

What's the OP sleeping with another woman's husband got to do with her?

She's not betraying the woman, that's not OP's problem.

OP, if the OM has a wife I would end the relationship based don't the fact that he's married and hasn't ended his marriage. I don't think it will work out in the end.

For the record I haven't slept with him. We don't plan to. We regret to some extent that that's how our relationship started. Instead we've realised we're very compatible, that we're falling for each other and that we'd rather do things the best way possible. That includes not sleeping together.

This thread is being derailed by the OM situation. It's not about that. It's about your abusive asshole husband and you leaving.

Did you get legal advice? Your free 30 minutes?

Glad to hear you are back on meds. Has he tried to stop you taking them or is that under control?

No, not yet. I want to have had the meds in my system for a few weeks so I can think straight.

She's not betraying the woman, that's not OP's problem.

Apart from the fact she knows her and they are friendly.