Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

*service

Having an emergency plan is key.

Make sure all your important documents passports, birth certificates etc are safe and with you, any cash you can scurry away, banking stuff, essentials like medication are a must.

I planned for months, it was hell. I confided in a friend and my GP, I gave my friend passports etc and stockpiled money.

You are strong and you can do this

I'm quite a private person and I'd hate to be a source of gossip after this emerges. I'd hate anyone to find out and for the kids to get teased .

Don’t you worry about that. Your kids are going to be fine because they have a loving mother who is freeing them from this destructive situation. Believe me, they will pick up on what he is doing to you.. and they will suffer far more if you stay. Be strong OP, you’re doing well. Any joy today with Women’s aid?

I worried about gossip too, OP. You don't have to tell anyone anything, of course. I just let the 'news' get out in dribs and drabs and no one has pushed me to discuss it. Apart from with good friends, I just allude to 'unpleasant behaviour' and leave it at that. Decent people don't persist with questions but quietly offer support, practical and emotional. I would confide in one friend you trust, gradually, and you will be surprised at how much it helps.

In my case people have been really kind and non-gossipy - I'm not aware of any gossip anyway, and if it exists, it really is the least of my problems. And my children's' friends have been kind to them too. In fact, it has been really moving how dignified and kind people have been. It has restored my faith!

I think you are suffering from believing everyone is as nasty as him. It's understandable. My ex deliberately made me feel no one was to be trusted. Of course, that mostly applied to him! There is a world of kindness out there, honestly.

It's difficult to say where I work without it being outing but it could make it difficult when it comes out .

Oh and I also worried about what people would say because I think I felt some shame. I was working out my part in the break down and focusing on how I was to blame too.

I now realise that I wasn't a perfect wife- because no one is - but I certainly didn't deserve his treatment of me. I don't feel any shame, so I don't care what people say. In fact, I am proud that I am surviving and the children are flourishing despite a really awful period in our lives. You will be too.

Lately though the abuse has taken the form of .........sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong....,......and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. *

I am so sorry that you are enduring this abuse. My ex also did this to me. He almost destroyed me but I left last week and moved in with a friend. The recovery is going to take a long while.
The thread is full of great advice and I hope that you are able to eventually find the strength and resources to leave.

I can echo what others have said about how abusers like him never stop. My Dad's funeral was last Monday. He and my Mum were married 56 years and they never ever stopped abusing each other. He also hit my Mum and they both hit me and my sister if they were in a temper and we annoyed them.
My memories of childhood are dominated by his storming about, breaking things, shouting and frequent bouts of vile temper.
My Dad's last days were spent shouting and swearing at my Mum who was caring for him.
So no, there's very, very little chance that anyone can say anything to make him stop. Apart from a judge threatening jail perhaps, and that is not going to happen.

And yes, everyone thought my Dad was lovely. He could be kind, funny and generous and was entertaining and charming to everyone outside the house.

Keep trying women's aid and it's going to voicemail

Yes my husband is much loved and many feel great affection towards him. Outside the home he is almost revered . I'd be hated.

Hated by whom? By his dysfunctional, nasty family? By people who don’t know you well? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. The fact is he abuses you in the most terrible way... and you shouldn’t live like this or force your kids to live like this. He’s eroded your self-confidence with his manipulation and abuse.. but once you are free, your self-confidence will come back. Keep trying women’s aid, you’ll get through eventually. Is it too risky for you to leave a voicemail? Are there any “safe” hours of the day they can call you back?

You might well find that there are plenty who didn't like him, OP. People don't generally admit that they think your partner is an idiot when you're with them - after we split, several people implied they had never been that impressed with my ex .

You have taken on his view of The Truth, I think - that he is impressive and revered and you are nothing. I bet there are many who think just the opposite but are not the type (unlike him/his nasty family) to shout about it.

If you are a kind, thoughtful, fair minded person (as you seem to be from this thread) you probably attract similar friends. Not bombastic bullies who put others down. I bet you have lots of great allies just waiting to shore you up.

OP could be the WA helpline is going to voicemail because someone else is on the phone to them, and simply has to talk ?

omg . im weeping for you. Please please please leave him. Im currently sitting at my desk at work with the same feeling of dread in my stomach and going home to what im going to face. Give me the courage to do the same and leave these abusive men .Your in my thoughts

Timetogetup0630- I didn't mean to sound impatient I know w there's hundreds of women all like me needing to talk. I suppose it's just difficult when you pluck up the courage and find the right moment to do it when there's no kids/ colleagues/ husband and you can't get through. I know I'm not the only one though. Never realised how many others have been living in this hell. Mrsaxelrose big hugs to you. It's the worst feeling that awful dread and churning in your stomach

Oh gosh no OP you don't come over as impatient, but obviously very anxious. It must be so frustrating if you can't get through on the phone. Can you email them ?

Heart I think they're quieter after 4, keep trying, I know it's not easy. It's heart breaking how many women are in this situation isn't it?

It may well be that if it comes out there’re plenty who say “I knew there was something about him.....”, you’d be surprised.

I knew a woman whose dh was apparently lovely, respected etc, but it only took a few times of meeting him when he picked up/dropped off his dd here on playdates for both me and dh to start thinking. It all came out when he broke his dw’s jaw....

Funnily enough just had an experience where he actually couldn't help undermining me and bordered on unpleasant both towards me and another person. It's happened before when someone else has more knowledge on a subject than him and he is slightly subordinate in a situation . A good example of this is the medical profession. He was so rude to doctors and midwives when I had the kids. Impatient and not happy with anything other than what he wants to hear. This person tonight defs got the measure of him

So I suppose a few of you have made the point that I might be surprised as to how many people think he's an actual dick head, and you are probably right. I think people try to stay on the right side of him

Again more striking similarities. I thought everyone thought my husband was amazing. Turns out that's not the case, I lot of people saw through him. I wish I could give you a wee taste of life without him. You can't put a price on peace and sanity. You had a taster of it though, you said you loved it when it was just you and the kids everything was easier. I was like that too, he worked away sometimes it was the best time for my kids and I.
You're astringent woman, I know that because I know the torture you've been through. You've got one big step to take for you and the kids. You can do this x

*A strong lol

That made me laugh, Sunnydays. I'm adopting that as my new superhero alter ego. Astringent Woman escapes from evil ex and lives to fight again….