Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

Please get out now. I know it’s scary to make the move but I promise you won’t regret it.

You are describing someone a lot similar to my ex!
Bottom line: it does not matter what other people think about him. They don't know what happens behind closed doors.
You don't owe any explanations as to why you are leaving and you can just say: I was deeply unhappy in this marriage.
If you stay you will sink into being the mere shadow of yourself and probably into deep depression. Do not allow him to destroy you. We and woamnsaid can help you work out your leaving plan Heartisbroken2.

Do you leave a message when you get the answer machine? You must leave a message with a contact number and safe times to call. If they call you and for some reason it isn't safe they will not identify who they are to anyone but you. They will pick up a voicemail and will call you when they can.

Failing that, do email them. Again, leave contact details and a safe time to call, but they will of course respond to your email. Do you know how to cover your tracks online etc?

If at all possible, can you ring the national helpline 0808 2000 247 at night? Much easier to get through overnight (24/7 helpline).

Whatever, keep going. I'm so sorry it's been hard making that first contact.

Oh and btw there are plenty of people who know he's a dick. There are plenty of us out here who know the signs at 50 paces, for a start. Plus loads and loads of people who get it.

The ones who don't get it are dumb inexperienced.

Hi OP, I and many others could have written your post at one time or another because emotionally and otherwise abusive men follow a clear cut pattern. Listen to us survivors because we've been in the same place! You are not alone. I used to long desperately for someone to rescue me because I didn't feel capable due to years of undermining, death by a thousand prosecute we called it on the old Ea thread. Leaving took me years but I have done it. You will too. bear in mind the head games he'll play: anger, anguish, obscure threats that you will never see him again (disguised suicide threats which he,'ll immediately deny), claiming you won't cope alone, kids will become feral if you're a single mother, finances will collapse dramatically etc. It's their game and they're are masters of it.. These men are Emotional Vampires and They Actually need us to dump their negativity and cruelty into us so they feel better. Who wants that? XX

*prosecute =paper cuts ffs!

Thanks yes I did leave a message. Fingers crossed x did any of you ladies feel too scared to ask your partners to help in the house? I end up doing everything because I know he'll go mental and say his job is harder than mine. I'm actually working longer hours than him but his job is more senior. I just end up letting him away with it

UnRAvelling - that's exactly how I feel. Like I want to be rescued

I used my housework as a way to hide from him around the house. I would go upstairs and do up there as soon as I heard him coming up I'd put a washing on or something to take me back downstairs. Years ago I'd be so overwhelmed with my work load, I'd beg him for help. Nothing changed. Dont waste your breath. Have you accepted you're definitely leaving?

You will rescue yourself, you can do it. You don't need anyone to do it, fight for the life you deserve.

Op, PLEASE call the NCDV. They will employ a Solicitor for you to get an emergency order to get him out of the house and to keep him away from you for 30 days! All without his knowledge until he is served!

However, with the upmost respect, I truly get the impression you’re stalling and making excuses as to why you can’t leave yet. Even if you tell the kids you & them suddenly need to visit an ill relative - go to a hotel/somewhere else. Anywhere but there. Get the emergency order and then return to your home and come clean to your kids as to what is happening. Right now yours & their SAFETY is what is most important!!!! The emotional damage, if any, of you & H separating will be totally counteracted by the relief & Freedom you will feel!!!!! Just go! Tomorrow! Call NCDV in morning, Pack your bags and go from school pick up!

So sorry you are going through this OP. Please leave with your children. Life is precious and short, don't waste yours with this nasty bully.
You should not have to live like this.
Your children will thank you when they are older.
Wishing you all the luck in the world.

He would have no knowledge of the court hearing (you wouldn’t even have to attend if you don’t want), first he would be aware, would be the Court Sheriff serving him with the papers accompanied by Police Officers. He would be ordered to leave the property immediately and not return for 30 days. Unless you obtain a further order. I believe the max is 6 months. Even if the mortgage or Tenancy was entirely in his name. Or he solely owned it outright. This can still be done I believe.

I had similar done. I had a Non Molestation Order served on my ex, along with a Prohibited Steps Order, preventing him from taking our daughter. All done without his knowledge. Just served on him. Not suggesting you need a non-mol, but the process is identical. All was done within 48 hours.

One final thing to point out - I was a child in an environment like this when I was growing up. I am STILL suffering & recovering now, at 33 years old. I have serious issues with relationships and even now that my Dad is dead, I have so many unresolved issues surrounding him and my upbringing.
The older I get, the more I seem to be resenting my Mum for not pulling up her big girl pants and leaving. For not putting us first.
In my situation there was a lot of violence as well, but the emotional abuse was very similar.
I get soooo annoyed with my Mum when she tells me how ‘tricky’ it would’ve been for her. Yet she sat back whilst it destroyed her children’s emotional well-beings!

Now that I am a Mother, having also been a victim of EA and have put my child first by leaving, I simply cannot fathom why it was so hard for her to do the same.

Please please do not do what my Mum did and bury your head in the sand!! Please don’t let your kids become as damaged as I am, just to avoid making the change....

Your son says his life will be ‘as good as over’ if you separate? Well most teenager’s lives are ‘as good as over’ if they lose their iPhone... I don’t mean to sound flippant, but you must know that the rest of his life truly WILL be a mess if you stay much longer..... I pretty much can guarantee that within weeks of separation, if not within days, you son will feel the weight lifted off his shoulders as he sees his Mum without the weight of the world on hers. With a huge smile on her face and the fabulous air of relief surrounding you all. A cuddle from said Son will be headed your way eventually, and all will be right with the world. But to get there, you need to make the first step!!!

Good luck x

Now that I am a Mother, having also been a victim of EA and have put my child first by leaving, I simply cannot fathom why it was so hard for her to do the same.
Perhaps she didn't recognise it. I didn't realise for years and when I did it seemed to late. Very little physical violence once we had children, but awful, awful coercion, control and emotional abuse. I honestly thought I was doing what was best for a very long time. And yes, my children have been damaged by this, and yes, looking back I should have got out earlier. Having said all of that, at least whilst I was around I could limit what he was doing to them. Not a justification, a fact. I stayed until they had choices whether to visit him or not. They don't.

OP, you can print the forms for a non molestation order and an occupation order from the net. You can take them to the court yourself and they will advise you on serving them etc. Some courts do it for free, others charge around £50.00. Good luck!

Came across this video which made me think of you -

It's called "6 Strong Signs You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome", they are -

1. You almost always feel alone
2. You don't feel good enough
3. You feel engulfed by the relationship
4. You've begun to compromise your personal integrity and values
5. You feel unworthy due to your partner's name-calling
6. You are exhausted by the repeated cycle of hurt and rescue

The video is about 12 minutes long and you might find it illuminating, although I didn't find the narrator's voice pleasant I think it's worth persisting. The 1000+ comments below are also interesting, including the general agreement that narcissists never genuinely apologise (have experience of this from the narcissists in my life).

I knew people would say I'm stalling. I'm a bit like this in my approach generally. I prevaricate and have little faith in my ability to make decisions. One thing I will say is that my kids are really happy. They see precious little of their dad as he's never home before they are in bed. They see a bit of him at weekends. They don't see him in the mornings except briefly in passing . They see snippets but I've protected them massively from all of this and I'm confident of that. They never stop smiling and I laugh with them all the time when it's just us. That said they know there's an atmosphere between me and my husband sometimes and they've seen me a bit tearful at weekends . So I guess their life isn't perfect. I feel so guilty now. It's seems such a major thing to do serving him with a non molestation order. I think if I do that he'll try to ruin me . His family will join him in that campaign.

No, get contact established with Women's Aid first before you start pulling out the big guns: you need them, their comprehensive support, behind you first.

Re pp not understanding why her mother didn't get out: abusers destroy your sense of self. It is very hard to get out, especially back in the day when there was no support available. Imo we genuinely need rescuing - hence eg women's aid.

Though of course I am very sorry for children who grew up in this appalling and damaging dynamic. You are all victims

I don't think you are prevaricating op. You keep trying to contact Women's Aid, that's not prevaricating.

Oops typo there - I meant 'you were all victims' ie the mother and the children. All victims of the same abuser.

We know much more about abuse these days and recognise some of the signs more easily - up to a point! bcs even then it is not hard to get caught in this awful abuse dynamic.

Do try to get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book at your earliest. If you can't order it (bcs he knows all your financial movements) then try to get it ordered at the library, either to read there or to take out.

Womens Aid will recommend you do the Freedom Programme. I have linked you to the 'find a course near you' page - do contact them and enrol on a course as soon as. It is a WONDERFUL course, I can't recommend it highly enough. You will meet some great women, just like you, and the course facilitators are wonderful. It gets your head straight in record time.

Keep trying with Womens Aid. I'm so sorry it's taking so long

Hi OP, I've not rtft but read all your posts and a selection of comments. Another vote to leave here from a child from an abusive home. My mum finally left my dad when I was 12 after years of emotional (and escalating physical) abuse. Best thing she ever did! For us and her. Your children may be sad and confuse in the short term by the change, but have no doubt in your mind you are doing the best for them by leaving. Just be there for them; stay strong and let them speak to you about it whenever they want to.

OP you are doing really well. Please don’t feel pressurised by the posters saying “ get out now “. They are concerned for your welfare and know how much happier you will be once you have left. But nothing you have posted so far makes me thing that you need to grab a bag and run.

I’m not minimising your husbands violence to you, it’s abuse and it’s a crime. But I think you are better to plan very carefully because the biggest risk to you is NOT now, it’s around the time you leave.

Men like your husband only have two emotions - happy when you are doing as you are told and angry when you are not. He will be very angry when he finds out you are leaving. It doesn’t matter how you do it. He will try and ruin you anyway, even if don’t get an order. Even if you are conpletely and untterly reasonable. As soon as he realises that he can’t control you anymore he will hate you forever.

He will be even more angry when he goes to a solicitor and hears that you and the children are entitled to at least 50% of the marital assets. Remember he thinks you are entitled to nothing so unless you take nothing he will believe he is hard done to.

If you make threats or even a half hearted attempt to leave and then have to return , things will be much MUCH worse. You need to get this right first time.

I’m not trying to scare you, just to be realistic. You know what’s he’s like and so do I, because I used to live with someone just like him.

Plan plan plan. Leave nothing to chance. Assume that he will behave appallingly at every stage . Controlling men don’t do cooperation and compromise.

I know you are shitting yourself about how he will be. I wish I could tell you that’s he will be fine but I would be lying.

The only thing worse than leaving will be staying.

Yes, I would second that OP - you are doing really well. Acknowledging how bad things have got takes courage and is a massive step.

One thing I personally found difficult at your stage was being told what to do. I was being bullied (intentionally) by my h so being pressurised to take a course of action (however well meaning) just made me feel worse.

What helped me - and we are all different obviously - was to get back in touch with MY instincts. Rather than taking his view, I tuned back in to me. You have started to do that too - by noticing when people don't revere him and clocking his nastiness every time it occurs.

I would gather non-judgemental support (counselling in my case) - see I'm telling you what to do too. Sorry…! My counsellor just gave me faith that I would make the right decision and I realise now gently prompted me when I was losing hope.

The decision is yours to make but the problem is that the longer you leave it, the less of yourself there is. It's a bit like needing to walk to get medical help for an infected foot - set out when you can still walk, otherwise you may not be able to muster the strength.

I wonder if that's one factor Protectingmydaughterfromfilth in your approach. For your mum maybe it was insidious abuse that she didn't clock until it felt too late to act on. She had too little of herself left. You maybe spotted it in your own relationship pretty quickly (having seen the damage in childhood) and got out before you were broken? I don't know of course and I absolutely feel for you having suffered throughout childhood and you have every right to resent not having been protected. But it is so complex when you are mired in it….

Hi well managed to speak to someone at WA. You were all right they were great. She says it's definitely abuse. It's weird although I know it is why is there a little voice telling me it's partly my fault? He says I'm the only person that pushes him like this.

Anyway she says nothing excuses his behaviour. I just need to keep hearing it till I believe it for real. I'm going to speak to one of the specialist solicitors there. I definitely don't feel so alone now. I have felt trapped before. Like I'm behind a pane of glass and no one can hear me shouting for help