Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

Im only mentioning this now because I can tell you are worried about all these things . But the main thing now is that you get expert legal and other advice.

You and the kids will probably have to move out for now but you can rent locally so they can stay in school and you in your job. You will be able to get your things out the house later and you may find a court says that you and the kids can have the house and H will have to move out.

Or, Depending on what your solicitor says, you might be able to get an order to make your H move out now.

It’s complicated and you need proper legal advice.

Ok. That's really helpful. I'm going to have fun trying to build the kids beds when we move. I'm so bad at stuff like that. I'll see if I can get someone to help. The next big thing is what to say to the kids. Do I say we have decided we like each other but don't want to be married anymore? Appreciate your patience everyone I can imagine I must be getting annoying

Op this is what has happened to your life, there is no need to apologise or feel that you are annoying you are not, you only get one life and what you are living at the moment is not a life, their are lots of people here that have excellent advice and those that have been in similar situations.
You are taking the first step into a new happier life and I wish you well x

Hi you sound like you are telling my story. I left a year ago to the day. I got a flat and moved out, I swear it has been the hardest thing I've ever done, but see each night I come home after work and I don't have that sick feeling I used to have its great. I have three kids and he has them feeling so sorry for him. I try to support them best I can and be a positive role model for them.
He still tries to control and frighten me, but that's where woman's aid have really helped. Just know you probably won't know your own thoughts and feelings, I know I didn't. We get conditioned to keeping them happy because we are frightened of the consequences. All I can tell you is,he won't change. Don't waste years like I did, get out and be free and happy. That isn't a life your living.

He came home in a good mood now he's yelling again . Stomach churning

Stay calm OP.
And don't get drawn in.
Are you keeping a lot of all these incidents now ?

Sorry, log.....

God I know how that feels honey I really do. I see you are sounding strong about leaving and that is absolutely fantastic. Get out ASAP I understand also about feeling bad for him etc, I did and still do. My ex calls crying saying he's nothing without me. It's all control. I have one particular horrible memory I think about when I feel bad, it helps me realise i done the right thing by leaving. He is in control of his behaviour but he chooses to try you this way. X

*treat

You say nothing to the kids until you are ready to move out. As in your have the keys .

Don’t lie to them, just say you are spiltting up and moving out.

All they will care about is ( assuming they are school age)

Will they have to move school
Can they still see their friends
What about their toys and belongings
What about any pets

You are getting WAY ahead of yourself here. You need a plan and telling the kids is way down the line.

Heartisbroken2: I build an IKEA desk, and a toy storage until with a rolling pin as a hammer and I'm terrible at diy. I stood back looked at my attempt and felt so proud of myself. You know the best bit, there was no arguing..... or rather him getting stressed and shouting at me! You got this ;)

And you'll know what's right to tell the kids when you come to it. I had to lie in bed with my eldest for over an hour to calm him down when ex revealed in a horrible way we were splitting up. Tell them in your own way in your own time. I stupidly thought we could sit down and tell them together. It didn't happen how I wanted as I thought he did be a grown up and deal with it with their best interests in mind. He didn't. It's one thing in really angry about. But the kids were fine, a few weeks of slightly more challenging behavior and some tears. My house is super calm now most of the time, when we were together the tension wasn't palpable when it wasn't obvious....

I’ve no personal experience but know that the reason you feel so nervous and fearful is that he has made you this way. Sleeping with the enemy is a key example of abuse. It’s happening to you. The children wi know but need to be out so you can show your love for them and how life can be. Good luck

Pudding your experience of leaving sounds very much like mine. I agree with having a plan in place and be ready to go before you tell him.

The kids will be fine. Of course they'll be upset for a bit, but I guarantee you they'll be aware of the tension in the house, far more than you think. Once you're settled in your new place they'll be ok, it's a cliche I know, but kids are pretty resilient.
*
Heart* I hope this evening isn't too awful for you. Stay strong and whenever yourself weaken, just remember this stomach churning feeling. You don't have to live with this x

I was in your position a few months back OP. I posted on here about my ex numerous times. My ex was financially dependent on me. He would call me names, he'd make me think I was crazy and would constantly belittle me and make me feel small. He would say I had to much to say for myself and that it was my fault he behaved the way he did towards me.

Like you I got glimmers of him being nice but only when we met up (we were long distance). I realize now that I got nothing out of the relationship. He wasn't supportive of me, he was only really kind to me when I'd given him money.

I thought the absolute world of him but clearly that wasn't reciprocated. I'd be a liar if I said the relationship hasn't left me with a lot of issues but I'm sorting myself out and getting help. Maybe speak with your gp they offered me a lot of support.

Good luck op

OP if you are going to stay for your eldest - don't think you'll get any thanks for it. You are likely to be further disrespected for staying, not seen as the martyr who held the family together. You could find your children grow up and leave as soon as possible, to get away from you and your Husband, and the horrid home atmosphere.

For the sake of yourself and your childrens' wellbeing you have to leave.

Or end your days as a broken woman in absolute misery after years of hell that could have been lessened if you'd just got up and determine that you'd get away

Let him fuck off - he's not a God, merely a man. Lots of us have been through this type of shit. I STILL have "friends" who no longer speak to me, as Mr Charming & Handsome & Personable convinced them I was crazy.

He was very vengeful - including reporting me to police with trumped up allegations, phoning work to discredit me etc - but I can't fault the police, they backed me all the way. As did Victim Support. They got me through a very tough time. They will help you. That bully was flailing once the police got onto him.

What I remember after we'd finished was, utter peace. Like having a radio that had been playing the same annoying, grating song for years on end. Then you reach out, switch it off and it's gone. Just like that. No noise. Bliss.

No man is worth sacrificing your right to peace and love and happiness for

I don't care which man it is, I don't care if a woman's had 10 children for him, I don't care if the children want her to stay with him. You will get nowhere in life with a cruel and unkind aggressive bully. There is nothing to stay for

Some years later I met my lovely OH, who is everything that pathetic bully wasn't. There's a better life and better people out there. Leave, and you will find that out. Good luck.

Well this morning it appears I'm a vile miserable woman. Because I can't get excited about a holiday with his awful family. They are all like him and they all treat me with contempt. Derisive about my achievements and accomplishments. The only things that they consider anything to be proud of is being a house wife and being organised. When I'm with them i can feel myself being submerged in to nothingness and I feel totally anchorless. They don't place any value on me at all

Not that there's anything wrong with being a house wife of course. I've done both working and Sahm . So no judging I'm just stating that in order to rank highly In their book you have to do the perfect wife routine

Please don’t let their small-mindedness and pure unkindness define you. They are all projecting their own unhappiness on to you. Write your plan list, one step at a time love. You can do this. MistressDeeCee’s analogy of the radio is a good one. Until you can leave, just try in your head to turn his volume down. Put on your imaginary cape, it’s warm and woven so you you can see out, but he can’t get in. Keep focused and strong. Every day is a little step closer to peace.

He sounds mad, hope wa help you today

Just imagine how you’re going to feel when you escape him and his miserable family!!! It’s going to be amazing.
Stay strong. You sound like a loving and amazing mother and all you have to focus on is you and your babies.
Call Women’s aid again today and see what can be done. Please don’t tell him or the children until you are ready to leave that day. He will make your life hell if you tell him and then Have to stay under the same roof with him. Let’s Women’s aid guide you.
You can do this, you’re doing so well already

Morning OP - I have been thinking about you and hoping you are ok.

Something Sunnydays78 said, resonated with me - that you won't necessarily know your own thoughts and feelings. The whole abusive journey strips you of yourself, I think. You second guess everything, nothing is solid. What I have been trying to do is grab at any interest, thought, feeling or action that reminds me of my old, confident, self. Just stop and register it..and actively remind yourself that you are a wonderful, interesting, capable human being and that soon (when you are not being knocked down at every turn) you will feel more yourself again.

Because at the moment you are trapped in a cycle of ruminating on what is wrong with you and how incapable you are and how better to make him happy. That's his tactic of course, and it really works.

I got all the negative stuff about housekeeping as well and it is so destructive. It had started to be a truth, because I didn't have the energy or confidence to do quite simple things. Feeling free of the criticism is wonderful and of course, now life and the house are more organised. But if I choose to ignore the mess and do something fun, that's my choice. It is great.

I look back now and wonder at all the time and energy and self that went into trying to make my ex happier. It was all wasted. But I don't blame myself, because it is potent stuff - living with someone you love/have loved, the father of your children, who seems to suggest by his intermittently decent behaviour that there are things you can do to bring about a happy family life - whilst in tandem creating an environment whereby you feel less and less confident about your ability to go it alone.

It's not your fault that it has had an effect. Turn his noise down, as others have suggested, turn your own noise up (privately in your head, I would suggest, at first) and know for sure that you and your children will be happier without this. Not immediately maybe, but once you are more yourselves - definitely.

Just come to say op that I've been reading what's happening to you and have to say this man sounds just like my father. I hope you do leave, he will destroy you and your children if you don't, although they may not thank you for it straight away. I don't have a lot of practical advice like some of the amazing posts here, but my heart goes out to you and the kids, I really hope you are able to get away. It can be done and you can do it, don't believe whatever he says to keep you in place. He tries to beat your confidence down as he knows you can just get up and leave. I really hope you do

Don’t place any value on his family either OP.

His parents brought up a man that gets angry about candles.

Not exactly amazing themselves are they?

Try not to care what they think. It will take a lot of inner strength but just block it out and focus on your escape.

They never ever stop they lie and manipulate and chip away at you.

Confidebin your GP or someone at the school and keepbtrtigbwomans aid or look for your local woman's aid DV device