Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

You should feel sad when you look at him. Sad for yourself, for all the years of joy and freedom he has stolen from you.

But now you can be hopeful for how your future will be when you are away from him.

You are imagining how you would feel if you were him. He isn't you. His mind doesn't work that way.

In any case, you need to wean yourself off thinking about how he feels, what he needs and get in touch with what you feel and you need.

Run rabbit I know it's frustrating to imagine how pathetic my responses must be. I do try to stick up for myself and I'm not a push over completely but his accusations always take me by surprise.
In terms of how I do this. Once I have my advice.. do I tell the kids we are leaving and go or do I tell him first? Don't the kids need time to get used to the idea

Heart please try not to feel sorry for him. Whatever the reasons are from him being the way he is, it's not your job to fix him. Your role is to look out for your children, and to do that properly you need to protect yourself.

I wouldn't say anything to the kids until you have a plan in place. They're going to want answers from you, and if you can't give these it's going to make them even more anxious. I won't lie, it will be difficult for them. My children have both had to have counselling. But in the long term they'll be happier and more secure as a result.

Reading your posts makes me so sad, he's clearly knocked all your confidence and self esteem. I wish you had someone strong standing by you to support you through all this.

Have you thought any more about calling women's aid? Calling them doesn't mean you're committed to do anything until you're ready, but I really think it'd be worthwhile to speak to them and get some advice.

OP: I was you, some similarities in your posts from what i experienced. It took me three whole years to pluck up the courage to leave. I still loved him, despite everything. He called me a cunt in front of the kids, put his hands round my throat in a drunken arguement, used to put me down all the time, never allowed me any autonomy. The list is endless. In between episodes we could get on ok, but when he felt shit, anxious, stressed or just not in a great mood, I got the brunt of it. The final straws for me was seeing how it affected the kids, and seeing what they witnessed from an outside perspective. We once had a child to stay who doesn;t speak Englsih 9we live abroad) and he shouted at me so much in front of him, i decided enough was enough. he couldn't even control himself with another persons child in the house.

I had all your fears, all what you are saying I recognise. I left 9 months ago, its been hell at times, BUT I am so happy I found the strength to leave. My choices are my own, my space is my own, he doesn't contaminate it. I do think my ex is mentally unwell. But that doesn't excuse anything.

Mentally I left 1 year atleast before I did, in which time the behavior worsened as I think he sensed it. Stay focused, stay strong and make plans. You will thank yourself for it later, as will your kids. NOONE deserves to be treated like that by the one person who should treat you with kindness.

Good luck. I told him first, then he took it out my hands and told the kids in the most horrible way (he got drunk, he was hysterical, it was horrendous). be prepared for it to get nasty. The kids will be fine, just protect them from the fall out as much as possible.

I’d tell the kids and then just leave when he’s not there. Leave him a note if you need to. Tell him you’ve informed the police and are being cared for by the authorities. I don’t think kids need time to get used to the idea but you do need to present them with a plan.. so have somewhere to go and reassure them you’re all going to be just fine.
I’d definitely take women’s aid advice. Good luck op

Sorry if I'm being obtuse but I still don't understand why I need to leave " under cover" .. is this because he will make it hard for me to go? I think he will be sad but I don't think he'd hurt me if I chose to leave. I think he'd know the game was up

Because many many controlling men turn violent when their victims try to get away. He's already been physically violent with you. It's not worth risking.

You do need to have a plan and have it all worked out before you tell him. It's highly unlikely he'll agree to moving out. The chances are that once you tell him it's over he'll lurch between telling you how much he loves you and is going to change to try and convince you to stay and being controlling and aggressive. He's likely to do things like accuse you of having an affair. He may say you're an unfit mother and he's going to take the kids. He may say you're mentally unstable.

All of this is horrible to live with and the longer you have to stay with him while you find somewhere to live, the worse it'll be for you and the kids.

He has already been violent. You are obviously frightened of him.

Put it this way, what would be the upside of telling him before leaving? What would be better as a result?

As for the children, not having a scene and not having uncertainty are the biggest things of importance for them so I would move quietly and tell him later.

Line it all up discreetly and quietly without any fuss, tell your closest family what you are doing. Don't tell him what you are doing, there is no need for him to know. You can't risk any kind of violence or struggle in front of the children. Their safety is paramount, as is yours. Maybe he will be fine, but not worth finding out otherwise.

You need a bank account, some good legal advice and to ensure you have some money. This can take days rather than weeks if you need to speed it up. You sound super strong and resilient, and in good shape to really get this right now, your ds will be learning from his df so better that you move away now.

Didn't want to read and run OP. Youve had lots of good advice.

I've been in and am in the midst of leaving a similar situation. Your post rang so many bells with me. Best of luck

I have my own bank account he can't access it. I can't imagine for a second leaving in the dead of night. It wouldn't work. The kids would go mental and feel bad for him. Plus I have no family up here they are hundreds of miles away. We have years of stuff here, clothes, books, I can't just leave it and expect him to sort it. Sorry if I'm being obstructive but these things really make me feel anxious

Stuff can be sorted out later. Don't worry about it, and stop worrying about his feelings. He's shown his contempt for you for long enough. You can always go back (with the police if necessary and get stuff.)

Would he notice if you packed a couple of days worth of clothes for you and the kids?

You don't have to leave in the middle of the night

This is why you need to get some advise and some support to leave so you feel more confident and not so anxious.

If it’s making you feel anxious then of course you don’t need to leave under cover. You just need a plan in place before you tell the kids.. and before you tell him. You have no idea how he will react.. he could cry and beg, he could turn violent, he could do threaten you.
So it’s best to have a plan in place so you can say your piece and leave.
Do not feel sorry for him - he is abusing you in the most awful way and you deserve better. Don’t spend the rest of your life whiny controlled by this man.
Did you manage to get through to Women’s aid? Keep trying. We are all thinking of you

Yes I am just so used to being told what to do I think I might have become slightly infantile and over obsessed with detail. I'm so scared of getting stuff wrong. Yes you're all right. The clothes/ toys etc will still be there in a months' time. It would just be like packing for a week away ?

*being controlled.. not whiny! Sorry for typo

Yes I did call women's aid. In my area it shuts at 3.00 pm and I was too late. I spoke to a lovely admin lady but obviously it's a support worker I need. I'll call again tomorrow x

Exactly. Women’s aid will help find you a place. Pack for a week away... see this as your suitcase to freedom!
You can always go back for your stuff.. the police will be able to escort you there if it comes to it. But your stuff will be ok. The main thing is taking this big brave step and walking towards your new life..

Oly5 laughing at " whiny".

Well done!!! Try again tomorrow. You are doing so well. You can do this.
Believe us, we are in a normal, happy healthy relationships and that is what you deserve. I’ve never been controlled or spoken to in a horrible way. This is the life you deserve OP, walk towards it.... thinking of you so much!!

Well done on calling Women's Aid. That was so brave of you. Every little step like this that you take is a step closer to freedom x

OP: I organised a house to rent, photocopied everything I needed, set up a bank account. Told him on the Wednesday, I moved out on the Saturday. In hindsight it would have been much less stressful to me have moved with the kids straight away. Those nights were hell, he would drink, come into the sapre room and stand over me at 4am, wail like a banshee in the middle of the night. One night I actually let him get into bed with me to calm him down so he wouldn't wake the kids.

if you tell him, have an exit strategy which means you can leave straight away. Tell someone you are going to be telling him. I didn't think my ex would react the way he did, he totally lost the plot, not violent, just very emotionally draining for me and the kids to witness.

Do you have a friend or colleague who lives nearby who can store things for you ? If so, can you start smuggling things out the house now? Things he won’t notice, like the childrens baby photos, things of sentimental value, summer clothes.

If your H notices that things have been moved, tell him you are doing a spring clean ( for Christmas ). Tell him that you have been listening to all he says about you trying harder wth the house / being more organised / whatever and you want to be a better wife to him.

Any old bollocks that won’t make him suspicious .

Spring cleaning is a good excuse to go through paperwork and make copies of everything. To leave at your friends house.

You KNOW he will be difficult about money. He will also be difficult about random things, like the kids school books or the picture that your grandmother left you.

Because that’s what controlling men do. It makes them feel in charge and takes away your power.