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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

735 replies

Heartisbroken2 · 05/11/2017 10:52

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

OP posts:
RickOShay · 19/11/2017 15:07

Gather your strength, give back power to yourself. Flowers

Slingsanderrors · 19/11/2017 16:35

Glad you're ok Heartis, take care of yourself Flowers

VioletCharlotte · 19/11/2017 17:18

Good to hear you’re doing ok Heart x

Wolfiefan · 19/11/2017 21:34

I hope you get some rest. No one can tell you what decisions to make or when to make them
Stay safe.

Greedynan · 19/11/2017 22:21

There is no timeline for anything here. This is your life and you can make your own decisions. I would support you whatever your decision. I would want you to feel able to post here whenever you wanted 💐

jeaux90 · 19/11/2017 23:05

Whilst he is in calm phase (and you know it will escalate again) take some rest and the opportunity to get your thoughts straight.

They never ever change.

You take care x

Heartisbroken2 · 20/11/2017 10:31

Hi yes I need some rest and peace for a bit. I don't know about anyone else but I feel acutely sensitive to criticism partly due to this. If anyone criticises me at work I want to cry or get defensive. Wonder if it's this fight or flight adrenaline I have

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Wolfiefan · 20/11/2017 11:10

Perhaps it's because you have to hold it in and hold it all together at home. And being picked at and criticised at home undermines your confidence.

Heartisbroken2 · 20/11/2017 11:44

I'm ultra sensitive to bullying narcissistic types now. I just get vibes that make me want to run for the hills. I seem to spot them very quickly and I get a churning feeling in my stomach when I see the charm slip. Often revealing a vile nature briefly but it's there.

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springydaffs · 20/11/2017 11:46

Oh I completely relate to that heart. I have a deep fear of these types, akin to PTSD.

Heartisbroken2 · 20/11/2017 12:12

Yes springs that's exactly it! I had a man say something to me recently with a smile on his face and his words didn't match his expression. It made me want to burst into tears. I'm such a trusting fool and I wear my heart on my sleeve

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Wolfiefan · 20/11/2017 12:30

Some people creep me out. Make me feel properly trembly and everything. Same reason.

Heartisbroken2 · 20/11/2017 12:57

It's only men that have such a dramatic effect on me. I can't bear the pretend charm that's what freaks me out. I'm such a sucker I think they are being nice then bam! I don't mean men in a romantic way I mean interactions at work especially

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Heartisbroken2 · 20/11/2017 12:59

I'm actually feeling quite traumatised at the moment. Things keep coming in to my head over and over again and I wake up at night sweating and panicking. Situations where I've been laughed at, picked on or made to feel like shit.

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Wolfiefan · 20/11/2017 13:05

Men here too. I blame my dad. And no. Not romantic. Just the smile that doesn't reach the eyes or any hint of manipulation.
I'm not surprised you feel like this. You've buried it. You have to in order to keep on. Now you're thinking about it and questioning it.
Could you chat to a GP about anxiety? Ways to work it through. I don't know. It's like you need relationship counselling. But just you. A chance to talk and think it through and process it.

RickOShay · 20/11/2017 13:52

heart, try and look after yourself as much as you can, have compassion for yourself.Flowers

jeaux90 · 20/11/2017 14:10

Heart a few years on and I now see the upside of what I went through. I can see these assholes coming a mile off (useful in my industry Smile)

Therapy helped me enormously during and after the fact.

You will be ultra sensitive as you can't just not walk on eggshells at will. You have to learn to stop doing it. (Once this is over) x

EasyToEatTiger · 20/11/2017 20:45

You are doinig ok. My husband settles down eventually. The vitriol is never far from the surface. I saw my solicitor today which was helpful. Tomorrow we go to mediation. I hope we can make headway. If not the family court beckons. My mp is crap. He says I am ok because I have a solicitor. I responded saying that the CPS needs blood on the carpet and that domestic abuse is political

springydaffs · 20/11/2017 23:22

Mediation with an abuser? Not such a good idea..

Heartisbroken2 · 21/11/2017 13:33

Crumbling today. Not holding it together. I feel totally traumatised by the last few years particularly and by some of the men I've recently come in to contact with. I just can't cope with being in the presence of bullies anymore. I keep crying and am not sleeping well. I'm constantly terrified

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Heartisbroken2 · 21/11/2017 13:36

I just feel like I want to hide away and protect myself from everyone because I simply. Any take another blow, another cruel word or look. I'm done

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Wolfiefan · 21/11/2017 13:37

You sound horribly anxious. Could your GP help?

Atenco · 21/11/2017 13:37

It sounds like you need help from you GP, therapy and to get away from this man who is now seriously affecting your health, Heart.

Heartisbroken2 · 21/11/2017 13:49

It seems to have been a couple of interactions I've had with people recently have led to this. I don't think it's them per se although they were bullies it's almost like it's opened the floodgates. I think I'm exhausted to. I get no time to myself

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Heartisbroken2 · 21/11/2017 13:50

Thank you it's helping you being here. I feel calmer when I know there's someone there

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