Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

Rick it was me who pulled jux up on the following statement in her post:

They [the police] will NOT suddenly turn up at your door demanding you take action, or arrest him, or even speak to him. Your call will be completely confidential.

I pointed out that this is simply not true. Police have a duty to follow up on DV calls. There is no such thing as "just logging".

Yes, she may not realise the police response. but she has given the op consistent support and advice.

I agree and I didn't wish to come down on her so strongly, but I
have personal experience and it shook me a great deal. I guess I'm sensitive to people giving out incorrect advice.

Sorry I'm not flouncing or anything. I just feared the speed at which I'm operating is frustrating people. I'm the first to admit I'm over sensitive. I just recall a couple of posters saying I've ignored a lot of advice and another saying I appear to have not done much at all. I've been on mumsnet for years and never posted anything, I've read lots of threads and I know there's a tendency for readers to want a denouement as they would in a book. To know the outcome, for things go get wrapped up. Equally I know how frustrating it is to give up your time and advice again and again when people appear to not listen. So I see both sides. I've lived with the abuse for over a decade. I'm not entirely sure what has now pushed me to seek help now but there must be a shift occurring in either my mindset or his behaviour ( or maybe both) . Anyway I don't want Jux apologising or any of you. You are all amazing, giving people and deserve lots of love and happiness xx

Quite right too, rightsofwomen. Thanks for speaking up for me, rick. Let’s all be friends! I have read in all sorts of places that they don’t follow up, but now it’s ponted out to me, of course they must.

"I'm the first to admit I'm over sensitive."

OP I was fed that bullshit for years - "you're over reacting", "you're too sensitive", to the point I didn't believe my own feelings.

But that's what they are, your own feelings, and you are absolutely, completely and utterly entitled to have them.

Others may tell you that you're over sensitive. That is not a fact; it is just an opinion - in my experience this phrase is used to justify abuse. I've learned to respond back along the lines of "those are my feelings and I'm allowed to have them. You may think I'm x/y/z, but that's just your opinion, it doesn't make it fact."

Heart, you're under no obligation to keep people think of this thread as a safe place where you can come as little or as often as you feel you want to, to ask advice or just pour everything out. Many of us have been in the position you're in now and understand what you're going through. Leaving an abusive relationship can take months or even years. It's very easy to say 'leave him', 'go to a hostel', 'call the police', but in reality its never that clear cut. No one apart from you really understands what's going on x

Sorry, first sentence should say 'under no obligation to keep people updated.'

I didn't read what you wrote as a flounce at all!
Your life isn't a storybook. It's not about us knowing the outcome. I think people just want you to be safe.
You're amazing. And strong. And your life could be so much more amazing without facing this treatment all the time.
I wish you all the best. I really do.

I am following this thread and understand OP.
I was accused of being over sensitive, neurotic and highly strung by my abusive ex. Funny that, most people think I'm very chilled and laid back.
It's part of the script.

If I can say one thing then it is this: you don't need him to validate your feelings, emotions, thoughts or opinions. They are yours, they are real and they are as justified and worthwhile as the next persons. When I got that, the mist (or fog) lifted. I was able to move on.

Take care. Stop saying sorry. I have a hunch you've used that word way too much and it's now ingrained in you.

We are all on the same side
Hope you are okay heart.

You are doing just fine Heart! I posted years ago about my husband's behaviour and was told unequivicolly to LTB and that he was sexually assaulting me. At the time I felt trapped with him. I had no idea who to speak to or what to speak about. I started to speak about what was going on about a year ago. On reflection I have been afraid of my husband for years, and swept it under the carpet, and hoped marriage guidance or whatever would help. Even when things did start to surface I felt as though I was the only person who noticed.
At the moment my life is in limbo. It's horrible. I have met the police away from home, and although they have offered to see me back safely, I have declined as my husband would have gone ballistic and my life would have become far more dangerous.

I also just wanted to say Thank You to all you lovely MNers who pointed me in the right direction and gave me the confidence to look more closely at my situation. You were right that my husband is a dangerous man. You were right when you said it would get worse. The whole thing.. I couldn't see it at the time.

Heart, he tells you you’re over-sensitive quite often I bet, and I also bet you’re not at all.

If you call him on his nastiness, voila!, excuse for him to call you over-sensitive, put you down, minimise your feelings and go through that whole gamut of stuff known collectively and individually as ‘tools for putting you back in your box’.

When he says things like that to you, say silently to yourself that he lies, his life is built on lies and you don’t need to believe anything he says ever.

Been away but checking in to see if OP was alright. No anger or judgement from me. I’d hoped you saw it for genuine concern, as someone who had been there too. My comment regarding ignoring some advice was specifically about having as much support in place, i.e. solicitor and trying to initiate the split when safest for you. Call it vague sense of dread, premonition and being aware of the heightened risk after you mention a separation. It was brave but concerned about his odd behaviour. Anyway, routing for you.

Hope you are okay Heart, thinking of you

Are you ok OP?

Yeah I was thinking about heart too. How you doing lovely?

I don’t think she’s coming back. I actually think she’s changed her mind about leaving. She didn’t seem to keen at the prospect of lone parenting and actually making the break. I hope she manages it one day though, I really do.

*too

If you see the OPs post at 1655 on Tuesday 14th November she would seem to be signing off Mumsnet. She is of course under no obligation to keep us updated. She thanked us all for support and advice.

Hi just wanted to say I'm ok and thanks to those who've asked after me. I've been working a huge amount the last week or so, so I haven't really had free time. Things are the same. He's probably slightly better if anything. I'm not fooled though. I need some rest though as I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Struggling with clarity at the moment so I'm still not ready to. She huge life changing decisions

Thanks for the update Heart.
Take care and stay strong.

Glad to hear back from you, Heart.