Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

Definitely Log the issues with 101. That is a real must. If you do only ONE thing - PLEASE let it be that

Ok I do have stuff documented in texts and calls to relatives. They have proof and I gave diary entries too. I just have a deep rooted fear of involving the police invade it causes our lives to implode. Financially it couid be disastrous if I put his job at risk. I'm not sure how I've not done anything ? I've told my husband I want to end our marriage, I've posted on a public forum and I've contacted WA etc. I've looked at rental properties in the area on line too. I'm not doing nothing

Thank you for all your help and I'm truly grateful for your time and advice. It's been a massive support. Thank you so very much

You're doing just fine. As you said, this is your life. People can advise, but only you can decide what to do. You've already taken lots of steps and made some progress x

You are doing so well Heart! You really are. You are in a hellish situation which is not of your making. I asked the police if threads on here count as anything and was told yes, they could count as evidence. I hope that it was not just that particular pc who told me. I have had to meet the police several times about my husband's behaviour, each time away from the house. It's been bloody awful. The divorce of course had to be his decision. I told him I wanted one as the straw which broke the camel's back was when he blamed me yelling and screaming that it was all my fault that my daughter assaulted me.

I don't get what posters mean by saying you haven't done anything. You are doing stuff, every day. It's clear you are moving forward with this.

Perhaps what others are concerned about is you don't seem to have quite taken on how exceptionally dangerous this time is ie the time you end a relationship with an abuser. What can I say? This is where all the statistics come from, the 2 a week statistic.

People are posting some lurid warnings.. bcs this is the danger time. Your abuser is particularly chilling and the abuse has progressed to an advanced stage. The next logical - and well-documented - step is extreme violence.

This is why posters are jumpy and are saying you're not listening..

Of course you haven't done nothing!
But I agree. This is a VERY dangerous time.

Heart, you’ve done loads! You’ve been massively brave telling him so quickly too, and that is a big big thing.

I’m fearful and worried because I think he can be seriously nasty and do you some damage, and possibly cause your children enormous distress.

And I’m worried because if you don’t talk to the dv unit then your children may have to spend time with him unsupervised in the future, when he can use them to hurt you in all sorts of psychological ways, and hurt them too.

I understand your fear that the police will invade your lives with all guns blazng, but talking to the dv unit will NOT cause that to happen, absolutely not. They will be far more like WA and will listn and give advice and support. They will NOT suddenly turn up at your door demanding you take action, or arrest him, or even speak to him. Your call will be completely confidential.

It will help you in the future as corroborative evidence of his abuse, if you need it. That’s all. If you need evidence of his abusiveness it will be there for you, but unless you need it brought out, it will just sit there doing nothing and NO ONE WILL KNOW. Ever.

Sorry to keep going on. I will stop now.

Good luck, Heart. I hope this evening was not too bad.

jux I get so fed up with reading that 101 dv unit won’t do anything unless you ask. Wrong.

I called them to “log” an incident.
When I didn’t answer an unknown number in my mobile later (bloody couldn’t cos HE was there) the police turned up at my door. I now know that it was their duty but it terrified me.

Heart you are doing so well under extreme stress, you truly are, you have achieved so much, you are on the right road. Keep safe.

Thank you to all of you. I promise I have read all of your posts very carefully and have all your advice safely stored in my head. Some of it I have acted on but others are in reserve for when I think I might need them. I think I should probably bow out of this thread now because I am struggling with the thought that I'm angering people. I spend most of my waking hours trying to avoid stepping on the cracks and I can't do it on here as well. But really you've all been amazing and I will keep all your words of comfort close to my heart x

You’re not angering people, they’re worried about you

From my own threads in the past people insist you’re in a way worse situation than you know you are. Sure things can go more wrong, but you will have a heightened sense of intuition.

Trust yourself, keep the plan and end goal fixed in your sights and never give up getting our.

Let us know how it goes? We’re here for you whenever.

Heart you are not angering anyone. Please keep posting if it's useful to you. You have been amazing and achieved so much.

A lot of us have been where you are and understand that what you are going through is just really bloody hard. It takes time and courage and you are doing brilliant x

I don’t think you are angering anyone, there are no cracks here to fall in. Hope you get through the day.

You're not angering me. I've been where you are.

Perhaps you're picking up people's fear and think it's anger? Urgency, ditto. Plus purple are extremely angry with him. None of this is anger towards you.

But do what you need to do. Rely on Women's Aid, do the Freedom Programme when you can (plenty on there who are not ready to leave yet, or go back to their abuser. NO pressure from the facilitators.)

Much love. You're in my prayers

OP, you're not angering anyone here. Perhaps, as other posters have observed, you're picking up on worry and a sense of urgency. I know one of my good friends grew impatient with me as she couldn't understand why I didn't LTB of an ex I had after incident after incident. She wasn't angry at me at all, she was desperately worried for my welfare.

Of course it's easier for us on the outside to urge you to open that door to freedom and happiness, as it was for my friend. But when I took it she cried with relief, she was right, and I kicked myself for not taking it sooner. I wish I saw things she could see, wish I didn't worry about things that didn't need worrying about. All she was doing was caring and being a great friend, so please don't think anyone here is being angry with you.

Do come back and let us know how you get on. Our caring won't switch off either.

I think people are posting out of genuine concern because they've been where you are. Of course it's up to you what advice you take out of the very good points that have been given here - you are the one living your life, and I guess everyone just wants you to be safe and out of the shadows. The only pressure you're feeling love is the one you're putting on yourself. Don't stop reaching out, we all need moral support x

Springy is right - it’s not anger WITH you , it’s fear FOR you and your children.

For you its just normal , it’s how you have lived for years. Like the hostages who don’t escape when they could, because they have been brainwashed into thinking that their captor loves them and couldn’t manage wthout them.

But it’s your life and you need to go at your own pace. I completely understand why you don’t want to do a moonlit flit to a refuge with the kids. I get it.

There ARE other ways of leaving and you need to work with your advisors to find whats best in your situation.

Please come back to this thread when you feel you can.

It's a big thing, to see the light. Many women have been living in an abusive relationship for decades. To realise that the partner they loved and trusted is not who they thought, and is actually just vile and not going to change, is big. It can be like udoing the knots in a ball of wool. It can feel like too much. It is wonderful to hear the voices of women who have escaped. All our situations are different. It sounds straightforward getting all your documents and childrens' documents together. It's not easy when keys are being hidden from you and documents likewise. It's not easy when your partner is using veiled threats. It's also not easy when so much crap has been shoved under the carpet that the carpet is on the cieling to know what to do with it all. When everything has been turned to being your fault, and you become a master problem-solver. I didn't realise for years what my husband was doing to me, probably helped by a string of marriage guidance people. And I loved him and I wanted the relationship to work. I didn't understand that there was no way it could work with someone like my husband.
The unravelling started here on MN for which I am entirely grateful. It has been a drip drip to get to this point. I'm still not out, but the wheels are moving. It has been utter hell.

You're not angering me in the slightest. I think you sound like an amazing woman; so strong to have endured all that you have . Truly, you are. I wish you the best. You've been through so much xx

Please come back. I’m so sorry, Heart. I was wrong about 101 not acting wthout your say-so.

I also apologise for nagging you. People are right, I, for one, wasn’t angry but fearful.

Please do not let me chase you away.

I agree, I certainly am not angry.
I know the feeling of being a rabbit in the head lights, powerless.
but it seems there is a fair amount you have indeed done, which is absolutely brilliant.
I think the general pushiness is because we can all see how terrified & manipulated you are. & fear he will become violent.
Don't feel hassled, Please do keep on posting, we would like to know you are safe. Also its a daily account of his abuse for future reference.

Good point Mix56

"its a daily account of his abuse for future reference"

This is well worth bearing in mind OP, hopefully you can let any more pushy posts not upset you, please understand people want to help and as we don't know you in person, some may come across as being more forceful than you feel able for. Hopefully you can manage to set these aside mentally and focus on what you feel you can cope with.

Another one saying not angry OP. Really not.
I think people are worried for you. You see the man you live with. We know stories or have experience of men who behave in similar ways. Sometimes they can behave in a very dangerous way when challenged or when they realise it is over.
Stay safe.

Jux for you, I have read your posts and see nothing but support.