Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

He wants ‘a plan of what you’re going to do’ how about ‘I’ll be kicking your arse out - fuck off’

If he wants a plan, you need to be INFORMED. You need a list. just try to do ONE thing a day... Here is a start to the list of actions needed, (others can add:)
Please just try & tackle one thing a day:
call CAB & make a rdv re advcie/benefits
call 111, preemptive is better for your paper trail
Make rdv with Solicitor
Keep calling WA re housing
Who is on the lease/morgage? If it is a mortgage, you are married you OWN half the house, whether he likes it or not. You can force a sale, you can get an order allowing you to stay till DC are 18
Open new bank account put your money in it.
Get copies/photograph of all & every pay slip/savings/pension/tax return you can find
get passports/birth certificates & REMOVE from house
Get new cheap phone.
Change all of your passwords, take phone to a phone shop & get checked for Spyware.
Once you start getting information you will be able to see clearly.

or Maybe take a day off & go to the library with your list & tackle it like at work.
Turn off your phone

Tell us what would you like to happen ? would you prefer to stay in the house if possible? or do you want to leave & go back to family area?
(Obviously the easiest would be for him to move out. but more fight)

OP has four children who she's already said he gives her no help with.

Oh he'll threaten to 'take the kids' - they all do.

But no, he won't AT ALL want to see OP leave so that he can run around after them all himself. Hahaha not a chance.

What he will want is to intimidate OP into putting up and shutting up.
He'll use the kids to do that if he can but it's a bluff she should certainly call.

OP if I were you I would go to the police, yes. Ask to talk to domestic abuse team and explain the situation and ask for advice.

111 is the NHS line. 101 is for the police. You are allowed to break into your own home. I asked. There is a number you can call to get an occupation order/non mol. The whole thing is terrifying. If you think police involvement will up the ante for his abuse, you can meet them away from home. My husband would have gone ballistic and it would have made him far more dangerous if the police had come to the house.

Everyone finds their own way out. The wheels of justice turn very slowly and the civil and criminal procedures are very different. You will get there and the blind terror will pass. I have been helped a lot by my gp and lots of drugs. At least for now I feel calmer than I have for 4 months.

That text made me wonder if he is planning something sinister and will step up his abuse but at the same time is ensuring there is nothing tangible to pin him down with. Like he is planting a false narrative that he is the reasonable one and you are irrational, emotionally unstable and that he is trying to deal with your emotional abuse of him. Be prepared if he flips the script. Controlling, emotionally abusive people often tend to project and accuse their victim of the stuff they do!

He wouldn't take the kids because he's too lazy to look after them. He's v unstable at the moment. I think if he thought I'd involved the police he'd throw everything at me and try to get revenge. He's far more cunning than I am

You are so right, Temptress about the mirroring and the hypocracy. It is horrible and there really is no answer. Please OP if he does this or anything else to make you feel afraid, dial 999. This is what the police told me to do. Please make sure you're safe.

I really really hope you have some evidence proving his behaviour.

And please, please do as others have suggested and start telling people.

Just nasty Heartis broken. If you don't feel safe to call the police from home you can meet them somewhere else. If you call 101 it takes ages to get through to the desk. Thinking of you.

Mamamag
Your story broke my heart. I cried reading it.
Your incredible doing what you did and looking after your baby

Just because he’s lazy doesn’t mean that he won’t want to threaten to takes the kids to punish you.

And it doesn't matter what you do now - he WILL throw everything at you and try to get revenge. Can’t you see, you are breaking free of his control? That’s the ultimate crime.

Second worst crime is making him look bad in front of other people, which you are doing as well.

You can’t do this is a nice and reasonable way that will make him agree to it. That’s not possible.

Men like your husband only have two emotions. Happy when you are doing as you are told and angry when you are not.

They don’t do understanding, regret or compromise.

Please stop trying to negotiate with him and start speaking to the outside agencies who can help you - WW, solicitor, doctor, HV, Police. As well as your friends family and colleagues.

Go grey rock with your husband .

I'm getting complete silent treatment. Walking past me like I don't even exist

Heartisbroken2 - this silence could be golden for you. Use this verbal and physical space to plan your leaving.

It's his mood swings. He's mentally ill.

I'm worried about your safety.

I can't believe how many of us are in this boat. Why do men do this to us? I know some women are EA too. But it's mostly men.

silent treatment is PA. & goes with the terrain.
More trying to get you to talk/hope he will be reasonable/ just shower & go to bed, don't even go there, ignore his game playing.
Are you sleeping in the same bed, if so, is there anywhere else to go? if so, can you lock the door?
If you think this will insight him to anger/violence. don't try it.
Can you get his torch & drop the bulb ? or is he using his phone?
Have you ever just said, "get that shit out of my face "or are you too scared of his proximity ?

It was phone torch . He doesn't do it all the time at all. It was maybe twice. He said he did it to check if I was sleeping but he was shouting to wake me up

OP, you are perhaps naïve about the likely consequences. He will absolutely aim to hit you at your most vulnerable points. That’s your kids. You said they are your life and you are devoted to them. This is how he will hurt you! Don’t even doubt that for a moment. Gather some proof, as much as you can because you will be portrayed as extremely unstable and mentally unfit to look after them. You said yourself that his family are his extended accomplices. He is going to now gaslight you all the more and make you jumpy and paranoid. Log it and be prepared. You had so much great advice. You ignored a lot of it. Your prerogative but please try to be a bit smarter moving forward. For your kids sake too!

He's done the waking me up thing a lot though. Checking my hands for phone in the night .

Temptress what advice have I ignored? I'm afraid I can't accept and act on everything people suggest because it's my actual life and we all have variances in our situations. I'm very grateful for all the suggestions but I was clear from the start I wouldn't go to a refuge. I want him out the house and don't want to jeopardise co ownership. I have a job, my own bank account, all my documents / except birth certificate which I've now ordered. I've phoned women's aid and the solicitor ( latter haven't been able to get through to). I don't want to do a moonlight flit unless I can really help it.

Heart, if you phone on 101 ([blush) sorry gave wrong no before) and speak to the dv unit THEY WILL NOT DO ANYTHING UNLESS YOU ASK THEM TO, but there will be an offcial record of your call and the situation you are in, and theywill ut a flag on you address so that they can respond more quickly if you call 999.

HE WILL NOT KNOW UNLESS YOU TELL HIM.

And yes, he is going to throw everything at you anyway now. He needs to win and you to lose. That makes him feel important, and big, and better than you. That is his raison d’etre.

Please, 101. Asap.

He will threaten to take the children, to fight you for custody. He won’t do that really, of course,but he will try to make yo frightened that he will. Don’t fall for it, but calling 101 and apprising them of the situation is one way of protecting your children from him in the future.

I think I've achieved a fair amount in the past few days so please don't try to make me feel any crapper than I already do

Heart you're doing really well, I don't think some people realise how hard it is to just walk away. However abusive he is, it's not easy to leave. It can take months, sometimes years to leave an abuser, anyone who had been there will understand this.

I agree with WA, it doesn't sound like you're in any immediate danger. He's ignoring you as he's trying to punish you. Try and look at it instead as a bit of respite from having to engage with him. Stay safe

Heart - You absolutely, categorically will NOT jeopardise ownership of your home by going into a Refuge! That is the craziest suggestion this month so far...

I think what a PP means by advice you’ve ignored, is that you don’t seem to have done anything at all. As they said, your prerogative. Absolutely.

But please don’t forget that we are all worried about you, based on what you’ve told us. So obviously it’s confusing when you tell us how bad things are, but seemingly don’t appear to want to leave any time soon?

Maybe a touch of Stockholm Syndrome? Just a speculation, not meant to offend.

Nothing is going to change. I speak from experience. Also, the longer you stay there; especially now you’ve shown signs of ending the marriage; the more things are going to escalate.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I have a cold, dark and frightening gut feeling about this situation....

Oh please don't feel crap OP, even posting on here was a brave step as you are making the situation real to yourself.

Personally I'm afraid this dreadful man will not only try to gaslight you, but he will try to make you out to be a liar/crazy to other people. This is why I've asked a couple of times have you got some proof - I hope you didn't think this meant you weren't believed! It's so that when he starts his antics you won't allow yourself to be gaslighted, and you will be able to show other people that you're not making things up. I would also be concerned that he may turn physical.

But if you leave collecting this evidence until after he has thought up whatever horrible plan he thinks will put you where he wants you, then I worry it will make things more difficult for you.