Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

I feel like I'm having a bit of a panicky episode. Just feel overwhelmed

Ok don’t worry, we’re all here to help you through this x

Can you not go to a local Refuge? To enable you to keep your job? (Or a Refuge further away without your job in case you’re worried about him attending your workplace)

Also, a call to IDAS may be beneficial 0300 011 0110 x

The NCDV can also do a LOT to help you right now 0207 186 8270 xx Please keep talking to us. Feel free to PM me if you’d like. I’ve been there and know all of the options out there as well as legalities and Family Law x

This whole thread has made my blood run cold this morning. You need to get out. He's stalling.

That 'lovely lady' text is highly odd. Who would say that to a partner who'd said they were leaving? Please keep tyring Women's Aid, see a solicitor etc and accept any offers of help and support you can. Loads of good advice on here from others who have sadly been through similar ....

Like others here, I have just read this and feel I am watching a horror movie. Something like Sleeping With The Enemy.

I worry even more with his text reply to you. Obviously there is not one drop of love or care in there, but there is also more contempt and it bristles like an unspoken threat. Like another poster observed, he is planning something.

OP, you need to form a plan and leave. Asap. See your solicitor immediately, this afternoon if you can. Keep calling Women's Aid - they will not be engaged forever and perhaps there are other ways to make contact with them.

Your children will adapt, as you shall. Your children can only have a chance of a good life with great values and a healthy attitude to relationships if you are healthy and happy. Please leave and make yourself safe asap.

Can you do that?

Does he normally call you " lovely lady"?
Please make your plans and be careful.

What has he said about seeing and being with dc post a separation ? Is he bothered ?

Speak to someone local in real.life e.g. local womens aid type service. Police dv officer. Your gp.

Don't offer him things like talking .

Heartisbroken: I've been where you are, experienced what you are feeling. The hardest part is convincing yourself you are doing the right thing. You are. My ex helped me move my stuff the day I left, was giving me things he didn't think I needed. He led me into a false sense of security, and the months that followed were very tough. But 9 months on things have settled. He still tries to emotionally abuse me. But I can see it for what it is now, but its been a huge learning curve.

Its horrible waiting for something to happen, its like constant fight or flight. Your adrenaline is constantly kicking in, you may get adrenal fatigue. Please reach out in real life, and if at any time you feel uncomfortable or worried, don't leave yourself in that situation. He sounds like he could be very volatile.

Stay strong OP, you are doing the right thing. I know it feels easier sometimes to stay and put up with it because you have for so long. One life, one shot. Don't stay being unhappy.

We've had a big argument . He admitted lots of faults but then turned it round on me saying if I wasn't so infuriating he wouldn't act like he does. I spelled out there no excuse for abuse and he said I have lots of faults and what was I going to do about them all? He wants a plan of how I propose to change . I said again that it was never going to work and he was moody and hung up.

He is not going to leave without external involvement.

He won't change.
You won't get him to admit he's unreasonable and abusive.
You must focus on a plan. Stay safe Op.

omg, that has sent chills to my very core, he is up to something REALLY BAD!!! RUN

So because he thinks you have faults, that means it's OK to shine a torch in your eyes and wake you up? To call you absolutely vile names under his breath (words that I have never ever even heard my DH use). Just one of these things once and I would walk out the marriage.

I appreciate OP it isn't easy but he is truly vile to you, don't doubt that.

He wants a plan of how I propose to change.

Here is your ticket outta Dodge. This is the ticket I got too! Take it with both hands.

My Ex: "either do as you're told or I'll have to go"

Me: Ok. I'm NOT going to do what you tell me to do. Looks like you do need to go.

and he did. Took a month or so, was terrifying, but he went and I put myself back together.

Get WA involvement now, ask for help and advise about breaking up but keeping the kids in the house, or get legal advice on how you can protect your equity in the house if you leave.

full steam ahead girl! Gete your plan sorted and stay safe

It follows the script.
Exp also said I had to change or he would leave. Etc .
In the end he refused to leave. So I did.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Fact is you are not willing to put up any longer so get out.

You poor thing, going through all this. I'm sure he left the argument as though it was your fault it started and he had 'won', and I expect in a while he'll calm down as though nothing has happened. You will get out. For years and years I really couldn't articulate what was happening. I lived in a kind of denial. The horrible truth is unravelling. At the moment things are not good, but it is a massive relief to not feel any need to communicate with him.

OP I really feel for you - you’re exhausted.

But keep going as you need to see this through.

I had similar experiences and would lie awake every night in tears as I couldn’t see way out. He was in control and crazy making. There were threats to take our child abroad.

I was able to escape through much. H lost his job unfairly. His response was not to face the issue but run home to his family for a few weeks. We were in serious shit so behind his back I got our property valued. He has breakdown - I’m now trying to run everything.

Turns out he has tens of £k debts.

Way out is to sell propert BUT he has to agree to divorce. It took ages to sell and he had 9 month breakdown.

I did tell my employers and they were sympathetic and helpful. Their support meant much.

I demanded support from my parents and they did what they could.

I took child to live in parents town. I’m angry that ds had to suffer and be uprooted because H should have just walked (I could have run the mortgage myself), but chose to bring us all down.
BUT - 2 years on we are safe. I’m healing. DS is now happier.

You can make a life for yourself. It’s so scary but doable and the alternative is that this man will make you increasingly ill.

He’s planning to let you leave but not the kids .

Deep breaths, Heart, deep breaths. In 1 2 3 and out 1 2 3 4 5, and again, and again. Just concentrate on the breathng for a little while.

You will OK. Your chidren will OK. You are strong to withstand his abuse for so long and to recognise it now. You will be fine.

I agree Kr1st1na,
or he will prevent you from going home, saying its what you wanted.
Obviously expecting you to sob & bang the door, but actually walk away & go directly to the police where you tell them the whole full story, including violent, coercive, domestic abuse. try & get a non- mol while you are at it,
They will be round & tell him to wind his neck in.

Actually, with all the kicking & slamming of doors, you could simply go to the police & say you feel you & your DC are in danger, due to violent, coercive, domestic abuse. You are trying to separate but you are scared of his temper. give the example of "flash light in your eyes as you sleep",
This monster is from the Gestapo

Do please take steps to help yourself, call the 111 number and ask for the DV Unit. They will advise you, but not push you to do thngs you’re not ready or willing to do. But you will be better protected, and so will your children. Just say what Mix56 suggests, it’ll be enough.

Please at least do that.111, DV Unit, please.

I agree with mix. Bcs I think he's going to let you go but keep the kids.

Better to get in first with a police report.

Deeeep breaths now and again when you think of it, into your stomach not your shoulders. Big sigh, just like a baby. Really, concentrate on keeping your breathing steady and deep, not short and light or fast. Steady, deep breathing will stop any panic.