Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

And yes, record him. I had 2 years worth of voice recordings that I gave to the police. It helped a lot. I always have my phone on record when he comes to the house just in case.

I'm keeping away from him. Staying up in kids' room

Does/did anyone ever feel the strain of pretending all is well at work/ with others gets too hard sometimes? Like you make small talk about weekends/ holidays/ jokes and you are thinking my life is like a bloody horror film

It won't be if you get free of him. It could be so different.

Yes, it felt a bit surreal at times. Sometimes when talking to friends/family I would fantasise a relationship in my head that was wonderful. Then reality would hit and it was draining.

As Wolfie says it won’t be like that when you’re free of him. I’ve found I’m now very open and honest about the state of marriage, some people are shocked. Some not so much. He was a street angel, house devil.

Yes Heartis, I do this too, pretend it's all ok but think I'm in some kind of black drama. As I said earlier, having ducks in a row helps enormously. for you

I get so sad when I see other people in nice relationships. I felt an almost piercing stab of jealousy the other week ( and shock) when a friend was telling me about how her husabsnd had a minor op and how she had to be really careful when they were having a cuddle or hug. I just thought wtf? Who does that? Who actually hugs their husband? Then I realised almost everyone except me. There's little affection in our relationship. I'm becoming bitter and twisted and jealous of those with nice relationships. Find myself rolling my eyes . Horrible way to be. Only because I want it too

Absolutely. All those times, going out, my friends and family, going on as though everything was fine, thinking silently that I haven't had sex for years. My husband calls me terrible things, blame me for his rages and used my body to masterbate with/into.. Wondering if this was normal. Not being able to articulate. Just silently wondering what the hell was going on.

The Freedom Programme is much better done in person. Yy the online course is good news the material is first rate but actually attending a course and meeting others is transformative.

To that end look for a course near you. Attending a course is free. Some offer childcare of that's an issue for you. You could go to one in your lunch hour.

Free childcare

Prepare a bag.
Please be careful.

It seems odd he is apparently accepting of a separation (unless he has someone else and is looking for a way out?)
Has he said anything about the dc and who should have them ?

Don't trust him.

Bit worried Women's Aid aren't being more proactive tbh.

This guy worries me...

I'd be delighted if he had someone else. Genuinely I would. What a damning indictment on a marriage.

His apparent acceptance really concerns me. Feels like the calm before the real storm. It is at odds with his rather chilling abuse and control. Sorry to be so bleak OP but I cannot see him relinquishing control so easily. Collect stuff that is really important to you and try to store it somewhere. You can rent a small lock-up space fairly cheaply. Take stuff you need there.

Please be careful OP. This is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. I am so so sorry you are going through this. If it's any comfort, you are not alone. There are many of us who have been / are going through this. Once you get out it will be like a terrible dream. But gone forever. But now he is potentially dangerous. Keep your phone on you at all times. Have an escape plan in your mind. Keep your car keys and wallet on you. Don't hesitate to call 999. This is not your fault. It took me years and years to finally leave. That's normal in these situations. Be kind to yourself and protect yourself. Thinking of you. x PS I know the feeling of eye rolling internally when you hear other people gushing or what seems like gushing. It's totally understandable, you're going through absolute hell.

I have thought exactly the same, Heartisbroken for a long time.

about the splitting up. He doesn't believe it. He doesn't believe you'll go through with it.
Please get an appointment with the CAB, get a day off work, & go & discover what you can do. Keep calling WA, it's not easy they are often busy in the day time, it's not always the same person replying. Keep Calling them, Do not play this down, do not think that because there are women being physically abused that you are a fraud. It's worse, it's death by a million cuts over years, decades sometimes.
You matter, your kids matter. This has to stop, & only you can make it happen.
Don't confront him when you are alone, late at night & when he is drinking or hung over.
The safest plan is to get out to a refuge, You need real life support, you must make a plan & refusing in kids room while he is slamming about is horrific, Surely you realise that the DC know what is going on? whatever their age, from 2 to 30, they know when to hide away & avoid him, they can hear him shouting & threatening you, they can feel the misery.
What kind of example does this give them ?

refuging

His apparent acceptance really concerns me. Feels like the calm before the real storm. It is at odds with his rather chilling abuse and control. Sorry to be so bleak OP but I cannot see him relinquishing control so easily

I agree. I don’t think he’s accepting it at all. I think he’s stalling until he has a plan. He’s plotting to stop this and save his face.

You need to work out what’s the worst thing he could do now and plan for that.

Hide everything valuable and get the children’s passports out the house.

See your GP and tell them what’s happening. Ditto HV if you have one.

Have you seen a solicitor ? If not you need to arrange that today. Take time off work if you need to.

Have you told all your family and friends ? If not, do so.

Don’t agree to any plan that involves you being at home alone with him “ to talk “ when the kids are all out. If you want to have such a discussion, do it at Starbucks . Or have your friend come round to yours to watch the kids while you talk.

Please don’t be lulled into a false sense of security by his behaviour. He’s just plotting. No one goes from his high level of control to just accepting that it’s over.

I messaged him to say this can't go on and we need to live apart. Just got cheery one back saying " no problem at all lovely lady!"

Yes, he’s stalling. He’s thinking that he may have placated you by appearing to listen and saying the right things, but he’s assuming that that will do. And he’s very very angry. How *dare you? How dare you think for yourself, have needs at all, let alone complaining that they’re not being met and expecting him to meet them and criticise him (Lord and Master as he is). Unacceptable.^

So, he hopes he’ll hear no more about it, and meanwhile his anger overflows into the Mr Nice Guy he knows he needs to be for a while until you’re safely back in you box, so he starts off talking nicely to you but as the words come out of his mouth the sheer impudence you have shown towards him, which necessitates him being nice like this right now overtakes him and he ends the sentence angrily. That’s why he was being so unpredictable.

I am not convinced at all that he wouldn’t hit you, to be honest.

When you feel fear, or panic, take 3 or 4 deep breaths before doing or saying anything. This has been shown in research to act on the system and sends calming chemicals to your brain (or something!). It doesn’t always feel like it makes any difference there and then, but you’d be surprised at how you respond once you’ve done it.

Start keeping important documents into work and storing them there. If you can, keep a bag of clothes, toys, toiletries, nappies, medications, etc there too. If you have to make a dash you will know that at least you have stuff there.

Have you given the eyes up to the police dv unit? Please, please do this.

Go and see a solicitor he maybe stalling and doing that too to get ahead.

Very odd reply from him. As pp have said, get the ball rolling with your solicitor and make a plan. You could maybe start by getting a valuation on the house?

And get your documents together somewhere safe so you've got them to hand if you need them.

He's planning something.