Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

The Freedom Programme is run by WA and is free. There are a couple of books you can buy on amazon. The groups are good.

Heart you may well be right and he'll pretend nothing was said. You mentioned he's hungover - had he had a lot to drink last night and will he remember the conversation? Does he regularly drink a lot?

I remember that feeling of dreading them coming home, it's awful. I used to go out as much as possible, but my children were very small which made it easier, i'm sure it's more difficult with older ones.

That'd be gaslighting then if he claims he doesn't remember your conversation about splitting up :-/ Add that to the list of abusive behaviours.

He binges. He's hung over at least every day of the weekend. He's at his abusive worst when hung over. I dread him drinking

He'll probably say " are you sure you want to do this/ repeat repeat repeat... if you do that's it no turning back

God he sounds awful. But you can do this. It may take a while, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. What do you think you could do next to being a step closer to freedom?

He doesn't just binge. He is a problem drinker at best. An alcoholic at worst

And saying are you sure is his attempt to make you change your mind and question yourself. You can't trust your own decisions is the message.

I never dare ask him to get up at weekends. Otherwise I get a huge onslaught of verbal abuse " fuck off you fucking bitch, piss off awful woman, fuck you moron". So I let him lie in and I do everything

Yes I think the drink is a problem. And he treats me like this then sulks if I won't give him what he wants.

His behaviour is awful. I'm so sorry OP.
This isn't normal.
You don't deserve it.
You can be happy.

Everyone thinks he's so brilliant. Top bloke. Makes me cringe. I want to say " yes he's a brilliant abuser, he really excels at that"

They may not think that. No-ones going say to their acquaintance 'tbh i think your husband is a bit of a dick' are they?

The ones who see through him will probably distance themselves or say nothing.

Actually good point. He humiliated me in hospital several times contradicting me and telling me to shut up making nasty comments. I tried to laugh it off but the nurse wasn't impressed with him you could tell

Funny. People said the same about my dad. Until the divorce. Afterwards lots said there was something off. But they couldn't explain what.

You might be surprised what you will get to hear from other people if/when you leave him. They would never have told you because you are his wife after all.

You'll be surprised OP. He's conditioned you to think everyone thinks he's brilliant, but often people looking in can see through these abusers. No one told me what they thought of my ex until I left him, they didn't want to hurt my feelings.

OP, I hope you have some recordings of his abusing you when he's hungover (or at other times too), it's no way to live, you poor thing.

Yes you're probably right. People who see through him he tends to hate.

Hope you are getting through the day.

let him feel he's still in control. Allow him to believe that you'll be back begging him to take you back.

My x kept me there for years by shouting at me that if I burnt my bridges with him that'd be IT. I was scared. I bought in to his script that I would regret leaving him

Obviously I didn't regret it. But I feared regretting it. It sounds mad to me now.

But anyway, if you let him think that you're unsure of your decision that you're really doubting yourself and your ability to survive without him then he'll feel in control, he'll ''allow'' you to go. he'll be looking forward to the moment he imagines you crawling back to him begging him to take you back!! And he'd take you back, you bet, but he'd want you to beg him to do that.

Let him think that that's how it will all pan out.

I'm not going to try to speak to him tonight he's like Jekyll and Hyde . Literally within the same sentence he's nice then turns abusive. It's scary. He's v out of control. Kicking stuff about

Record him.

Start a diary of all this. Contemporaneous accounts are very useful, believe me.

Are you safe? Might be an idea to put a few of the childen’s clothes into a bag and sneak it into a broom cupboard, or somewhere near the front door. Into your car, if he doesn’t use it.

^ what jux said. Keep a note. I keep it on my iPad, and I change my passcode regularly. Date it, it's useful.

I’ve just read your whole thread and it’s made my blood run cold.

I could have written every single thing you have. I had a running thread on MN 3/4 years ago when he was arrested. Unfortunately he wormed his way back in and then left for good 10 months ago. I have my life back. No more eggshells, no more Jekyll and Hyde. But he’s still abusing me, over text mostly and he always starts on contact days with the kids. Today I asked him not to drop the kids off late and his reply was “sir yes sir”. He’s been telling me I’m abusibe, it’s all my fault, I cheated, he was a great husband etc. When in reality his 10 years in my life was his reign of terror.

My children are scarred, they are having counselling.

My ex is an utterly vile human being, he still gets under my skin and upsets me. I feel a massive sense of injustice and feel like I need to keep denying everything he throws at me, even though I know I should ignore him.

So please, please get out. I have an 11st weight lifted off my shoulders. My house is calm and we are all so much happier.

Please tell the police as well. I was worried he would lose his job. He didn’t. Even though he keeps threatening to leave so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance .

There is light at the end of the tunnel.