Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

What I found chilling Heart is the torch in the eyes to wake you. That's what they do in Guatanemo Bay as a means of disorientating prisoners.

And the lecturing you about your faults, when you are not allowed to interrupt and defend yourself.
And the silent mouthing of insults when out in public.

It is bad Heartis, read your original post through, again and again.

The shouting at you in the car when you've no escape.

You also said something upthread about how it makes no difference whether you challenge him, agree with him, he just goes on and on (not those words but that's what I understood).

I would see those as two really abusive behaviours. Two abusive behaviours I tolerated myself.

I know what you mean though, it becomes hard to think, is this an argument? he's arguing with me and I'm defending myself, is that ''just an argument'' in other people's eyes.

This is what I see as abusive from your original post. I think you've done a good job of articulating it by the way.

Ok, name- calling is abusive behaviour
stone walling (ignoring you for days) - that is dehumanising
when you're crying saying ''what the fuck are you crying for'' - that one is two fold. 1) angry at you when you're distressed, so, not just not comforting you when you're distressed but angry with you for being distressed*
Also invalidating your right to be upset, or to be anything.
Lecturing you for hours without giving you an opportunity to respond
Endlessly assassinating your character and reminding you of your perceived flaws
Giving you no platform to be heard or to defend yourself
Your anxiety is not about you, it's about him, it angers him
You are walking on eggshells around him
He has cut you off from your family.
He storms and thrashes about physically threatening you.

OK, the above is what he does, how he behaves.
In your post you reveal this about your feelings
you feel anxious
you prefer it when he's not there
you're walking on eggshells
you're not allowed to express any negative emotion
You feel powerless to the extent that although you're not quite suicidal you see it as a way to end your current situation.

And yet brokenhearted you have a job! Omg, the strength and resilience that must run through you. You have a strength that he will never have. You manage this despite being depleted by him every day. He only manages to exist because he is belittling you day after day to feel powerful.

It all sounds horrible, OP. But I think isolating you from your social network is the most common and characteristic form of abuse but is what let's them then get away with everything else.

minimising it is a survival response I think. cognitive dissonance too. you're an intelligent woman so you couldn't be putting up with anything too awful so... it can't be that awful. except even anaesthetised by cognitive dissonance you know that that's not the case. Abuse is an assault on your emotions not on your intelligence.

When you think about how you need to get through each minute in each hour in each day with a soul sapping abusive vampire like this it's no wonder you lose your energy and your power and the impetus for change. Unfortunately the same survival mechanism that gets you through this hell on a minute to minute basis is dampening down your fight or flight.

Trust people who've come out the other end.

I would say the constant questioning of you must be emotionally exhausting;

• Accusing you of having an affair because you parked the car in a slightly different place etc!
• interrogating you over shopping for ages why you were so long etc - this isnt normal behaviour op - life is too short
• torch in eyes - this behaviour gives me a chill down my spine you poor thing
• hiding your birth certificate
• reaching over to check your phone isn’t in your hand at nighttime
• physically blocking you and occasional pushing / shoving
• mouthing fucking bitch to you over family dinner

It’s all so spiteful and aggressive honestly op this is not how a healthy relationship should function at all in fact it is the opposite. Have you heard from him today?

Back from work and he's being vile. Just ranting and raving like a lunatic . Veering from being wildly enthusiastic about life to verbally aggressive. I asked him why he tells me to fuck off all the time and he said " is it any wonder?"

You're right it's no way to live. My heart feels like a sinking stone and I can feel the misery welling up inside me . It's a dreadful, wretched feeling. So lonely and bleak.

We're listening. You may be lonely but you're not alone.
Don't ask him why he does these things. Don't engage. He does them because he's an abusive arsehole but he will never admit this.
Stay safe for now.
You need to plan. If you don't feel you can leave today that's ok. But you need to plan for when you do need an "out". What about money? Somewhere to stay? Important documents? But be careful. He can't know.

Not sure why but it still hurts me so much when he tells me to fuck off. He spits every syllable out with contempt and so viciously it's awful. It's like a body blow every time. We can be having a relatively normal conversation and I ask a question or say something he doesn't like and I'm told to fuck off. Or the other favourite is " you are a horrible woman"

Where did you leave things last night when you told him you wanted him to leave?

He said he took on board my view etc and was v calm but said I have to take fifty percent blame for it not working out and that I'm never happy and it's always a drama. But fine he's ok with a separation and we can discuss details this week. However today he's hung over as per usual and his moods are swinging wildly. One minute he's full of the joys next he's raging and muttering to himself, slamming around and telling me to fuck off

I hope your ok OP, you are being very brave 😃 it takes a lot of guts and courage to finally say enough is enough :)

My guess is he viciously tells you to fuck off because he knows it hits the mark. Sadly, he relishes that. Abusers tailor their abuse.

This too shall pass. It really will pass and there will come a time when this is over and the wretchedness and horror are a thing of the past bcs he is GONE from your immediate life. Yes, that day will come. Hold out for it

He's blaming you. It's part of the control. He wants to unsettle you and leave you uncertain.
Taking on board your view is something people only ever say when they mean to completely ignore you.
He sounds like a nasty drunken piece of work.
And of course it upsets you when he says these things. Your husband is supposed to love you. There's supposed to be mutual respect and empathy. He's supposed to be someone you can rely on.

Telling him was so brave of you. And if he wants you to take half the blame, let him think you do to keep the peace, it's not worth arguing with someone like him as you'll never win. Just nod and agree, whilst inside knowing that a better life is in reach.

Did you discuss what'll happen next? Has he said he'll move out?

He is absolutely demented.

You will be OK when you get rid of him.

I'd ''accept the blame'' if it soothes his ego for long enough to get rid of him. Tell him he deserves somebody better.

Absolute bollocks he deserves to be hung drawn and quartered but if you challenge theses narcissists too much their egos won't allow you to separate from them - as that is their decision, how dare you reject them etc... so play in to the script he's creating right now that you're to blame for the split and that he deserves better ha ha ha

Yes it feels like I'm with a demented person that's exactly how it feels. He's out but I'm dreading the sound of him opening the front door

I have a feeling he's going to pretend I never said anything about splitting up

You are making progress. He has agreed to a separation. Yippee! My husband had to have it his own way. My husband got a solictor to write to me demanding I leave my home within a week. The things he cited on the divorce petition are simply untrue. I really don't care as long as I can get away and we are safe. My solicitor says lying goes with the territory and not to get upset about what he says. Sometimes the whole thing feels overwhelming. Today I have spent the day in tears. Support is out there. It has taken what feels like forever to get a few bits sorted out. The Freedom Programme is really helpful.

The freedom programme.. I looked it up. I'm just worried I've got the wrong one as it asks for account details. Around £27 is that right? To do course on line?

You're probably right Heartis, he'll pretend it's not happening, because it'll be a huge inconvenience to him if you split, who will do all the housework for him?
My H is a bit like this, abusive one minute but nice as pie the next. I'm still with him, but have my ducks firmly lined up, and I'm biding my time. I'm lucky in that we don't have any children at home, but knowing I could go at any time is incredibly empowering.
Lots of good advice from others.

What a piece of shit. Im so angry on your behalf.
Im so sorry OP.
My grandad was similar- controlling, jealous, abusive. Between stonewalling and verbally abusing my grandma he managed to come across as a nice bloke to a lot of people including some members of the extended family. He is dead now and my grandma still has some form of Stockholm syndrome. It is so sad. She never left him. Im telling you this because i remember reading that you feel your children are not aware of what is happening, so you feel it is not damaging to them. Even if they dont hear every argument, im sure they know that something is not right.
Stay strong and plan your escape somehow. This is no way to live your life

X posted. Sorry. If your OH is like mine he will want the control. It's all about power and control. It's a horrible situation. If you haven't already, ask WA or IDVA about specialist DV solicitor.