Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

You don't seem to have a plan.
Why are you about to beat the wasp nest with a stick ? Hoping that he will just agree ? Hoping that he will change ? Thinking maybe if he did get physical it would be the concrete excuse you could give to your DC ?
If you need a face to face discussion, Do you think he will LISTEN ? Do you think he will let you speak ? You know he won't.
Late at night is not the time to affront him.

Are you okay OP? I am worried given your last post was about telling him, but nothing since. Can you please let us know you are safe please x

Op are you okay? X

You’ve mentioned that your only option would be to move hundreds of miles away and give up your job.

What about if you rented somewhere locally. He has to pay maintenance, you may be entitled to tax credits. You might not have to uproot the children.

Re reporting him to the police. Depending on his job, his employer probably won’t find out at an early stage but if he gets convicted of any offences, he might have to declare them and it would be obvious if he got a custodial sentence. If he works in a position of responsibility, the police would notify his employer.

However, from what you’ve described coercive control would be the most appropriate offence to investigate/prosecute him for. It is an extremely difficult one to prove (but not impossible). However the police are good at dealing with dv now and are a good source of advice and support.

Sorry - just catching up. He's ok. Said if that's what I wanted. Though thinks I should take my share of the blame . Thinks the problem is 50/50 not all on him alone. He said we should talk more today. He didn't go mad . I slept in spare room and he didn't hassle me . We'll see. I'm working this morning so I'll have to talk again later

Wallis frizz - I didn't say my only option was to move away hundreds of miles and give up job, but given his family are hugely toxic and our break up would be under the microscope in this gossiping community it might be best for me and the kids to have a clean break close to my family.

Last post before I go to work. I'm sensing I'm frustrating some posters because I've not gone to a refuge/ left already. It's a big step and I've made some progress. I do really appreciate all the advice you've all been giving me. More than you know. So it was never my intention to infuriate anyone. Apologies if I have and many thanks xx

the blame!

take it all if it gives you freedom to walk away safely.

You know that you're not to blame for his behaviour. But you owe it to yourself to walk away. The thing I blame myself for is accepting it for so long. So if it gives you safety while you pack tell him you take the blame, while knowing inside that the only thing to 'blame' yourself for is having too low a bar. When you're free you can work on building up a much stronger sense of self and if you ever venture in to another relationship again your bar will be so much higher. You'll never 'blame' yourself again for having too low a bar.

He is probably calm for now because he never in his wildest dreams thinks you actually have the bravery or the boundary to leave him.

When he wonders fleetingly, seeing you pack or make arrangements' if you do indeed have the balls, he might say things like if you go, even just to think, then you'll have ''burned your bridges with me''. My x always used to threaten that. I often wanted a week away to think and he wouldn't allow it! Knew that I would think!

Sorry, if you thought I was being critical, I was just trying to suggest a different option.

These things do take time. A lengthy abusive marriage is unlikely to be ended within the length of a MN thread. Go at your own pace.

The RSPCA Pet Retreat people are really helpful and work with WA. Sadly it is not country-wide so limited to where you live. I have been through the mill with this one as well. It is worth phoning all the animal re-homing charities to see what policy they have. I found RSPCA most helpful. In the end I gave up as events took over.

Nobody is infuriated! It took me a long time to leave my abusive husband. Sometimes people leave on the spot (for various reasons) but most take a while. It's like turning around an ocean liner....

I think you're probably picking up on the urgency of the posts. We are horrified bcs we're hearing it in the advanced stages of established, chronic, systematic abuse. Those of us who have been victims of this type of abuse know it didn't happen overnight, that it built over time at a glacial pace. Do you know the boiled frog analogy?

You're doing well. I love Autumn's suggestion you verbally take (half!) the blame while internally only taking the blame for putting up with it.

Keep going. You're doing wonderfully xx

This is your life heart not a soap opera. Most people just want you to get to the right answer as soon as you can under your conditions.

Well done for talking to him about it. My advice is to rinse and repeat that it's over because whatever he promises now he won't deliver on

Hope you are feeling optimistic now you took the first step x

It is difficult to start moving on. It's difficult to process the extent of the abuse and the time it has gone on for. It is difficult when things get better and it's hard to believe that they were so bad. It's difficult when you're being told all the time that it's all your fault when things go wrong. It's hard to take on board that the person you love can behave the way they do. We like to think of a relationship as a shared responsibility.

It took me a very long time to process what was going on. Everyone moves at their own pace. I wanted the relationship to work. I loved my husband and I was blinded to the patterns of abuse. When my husband told me he'd never hurt me sexually and stop whatever he was doing if I wanted him to, I believed him.

When everyone is screaming at you, Leave The Bastard! it's not always straightforward.

Even getting divorce in process had to me my husband's instigation. I told my husband that I wanted a divorce after he condoned the attack by my daughter on me. He screamed at me in front of the children that it was my fault she attacked me and I deserved it bla bla.
I had not realised the full extent of how much of the time I lived in fear of my husband, nor that he has made it absolutely clear to the children that all arguments are my fault.

Heart anyone who has been through what you are going through would never get frustrated with you. I think if you've never been in this situation, people find it hard to understand why you don't just leave. It's just not that simple is it?

I'm glad he took it well when you told him. Just be prepared though that this may not last. As you say, he does have mood swings, so may well react quite badly once he's had time for it to sink in. Pleased you're ok anyway.

Very glad to hear you are OK

I don’t think anyone is in the least infuriated with you, please don’t think that, take your time and stay safe.

Glad you're ok OP

Good luck OP and stay safe.

Well done Heartis, you've made some progress. You need to do this at your own pace.

Well done OP! You’ve made the first step! Be proud of yourself xx

Good Luck OP and don't apologise to US !

Well done OP you have taken the first step and don't be apologising on here when you are doing the best you can in the circumstances.

Just be prepared for him flipping back and forth between being reasonable and totally unreasonable and not to follow through with your request to leave.

Can you ask your relatives to sort out some rented accommodation for you in their area on your behalf?!

I have been following this read since day 1 but havent commented as you have been given loads of sensible, compassionate advice from people who were better 'qualified' than i am.
I have just read your last few posts about him suggesting that half of the blame is on you. Please, please do not believe for a second that you should take half of the blame. This is not a normal break up/ divorce scenario where two decent people cant make it work for whatever reason. This is a guy who shines a torch into your eyes at night and mutters horrific things to you while out for a family meal!
How does he dare to suggest that half of the blame is on you!?
I do not underestimate how hard it must be to take the first step.. and to carry on taking them. And I am sure noone is frustrated with you for still living there.

I'd love to be able to ask relatives to help but they've said they are always on end of phone etc but they wouldn't help with practical stuff . I've needed help before and been turned down so know for sure this is true.
I've become a bit obsessed with thinking of examples of the abuse and asking myself how bad it is. Interesting some of you also see it as severe. Can I ask you to tell me if the things I've said which are the worst things ? I can't seem to stop thinking about it. It's like I need to get a firm handle on what he's done to me. At the moment it feels like a nest of wriggling snakes