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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

735 replies

Heartisbroken2 · 05/11/2017 10:52

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

OP posts:
Lorddenning1 · 11/11/2017 19:59

Stay strong OP for you and your kids :( don't let the bastard manipulate you anymore 😢

Protectingmydaughterfromfilth · 11/11/2017 20:03

Stand up for yourself but above all, stay safe xxx

Jb291 · 11/11/2017 20:10

OP please get yourself and your kids out before he does any more damage to you. Under no circumstances give him any idea that you are leaving as he may snap and become violent. Can you leave whilst he is at work? Anywhere is better than suffering through a moment more of his vile abuse.

EasyToEatTiger · 11/11/2017 20:22

Thinking of you OP. I hope you are able to get out safely. It is hell. I haven't read the whole thread, but please report to the police. You can go and make a statement away from the house so you are safe. Your safety and that of your children is paramount. Every situation is different. My children think I am at fault. Sadly I didn't get out soon enough. I didn't know what to do, what to say, what to articulate. At last things are moving on. He yelled at me that he was divorcing me in front of the children. Frankly I don't care any more what he says about me.
I am really feeling for you. It's fucking awful and terrifying. Please accept whatever help you can get your hands on. It's a bloody nightmare.

ferando81 · 11/11/2017 20:22

He's very abusive and you really need to leave him .Shining a torch in your eyes when your trying to sleep is something a member of the Gestapo would do .
As for agreeing with him about being flawed ; we are all flawed it's a definition of being a human being.
I hope you find the strength to leave him

VioletCharlotte · 11/11/2017 20:52

Been thinking about you a lot though day OP. Your situation brings back what I went through and I hate to see you going through it too. Let us know how you are, but only post if you feel it's safe to do so x

anothernetter · 11/11/2017 21:06

It sounds like the guy is completely unstable. Please don't give him any idea you are planning to leave. Sorry I haven't read all the posts on this thread but have you confided with anyone you know in real life? I think you need to get away from him as soon as possible. Please stay safe Flowers

mikeyssister · 11/11/2017 21:20

Are you ok OP?

Heartisbroken2 · 11/11/2017 21:31

Jux i do think my physical safety is important I just don't think he'll hurt me. He'll probably pursue me for months alternating between beseeching and begging. But he wouldn't hit me / hurt me as he knows that would be the absolute end

OP posts:
Heartisbroken2 · 11/11/2017 21:34

I've not spoken to him yet as kids just gone to bed

OP posts:
EasyToEatTiger · 11/11/2017 21:47

I understand that well. My husband has rarely hit me. The first time I thought he may have had PTSD. I was wrong. It was a long time ago and since then it has been all the rest.
At the moment my husband's rage has subsided and I am playing along with a civil divorce. Frankly it is hell and although my husband is back to 'normal', I'm not. I'm a good grey rock.
Can you find out if you can get legal aid? Please find a solicitor through WA or an IDVA who specialises in abusive partners.
The abject terror and fear I absolutely recognise. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Things are slowly shifting into place. It has taken years, from first posting here about my husband's behaviour.

You are not alone. Lots of hugs and kind thoughts.

Heartisbroken2 · 11/11/2017 22:03

Just trying to pluck up the courage to do this.

OP posts:
Heartisbroken2 · 11/11/2017 22:03

I feel sick

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 11/11/2017 22:08

Many many of us have been where you are and lots of us are here to support you.

Ending this is the right answer. Just do it safely x

Mix56 · 11/11/2017 22:19

Don't do it if he has been drinking.

Roussette · 11/11/2017 22:24

There's lots of us out here rooting for you Flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/11/2017 22:31

Have you seen a solicitor yet? If not, what's the point in telling him it's over? All you will be doing is extending the time period in which he protects himself and punishes you for trying to leave. Are you secretly hoping he will decide to change and beg you to stay?

RickOShay · 11/11/2017 22:34

You don’t have to tell him. Thinking of you.Flowers

cestlavielife · 11/11/2017 22:35

Please. Do not speak to him about this late at night
Kids are in bed .
He can harm you yes or throw you physically out.then what ?
You have no idea how he might react
You cannot possibly say he wont hurt you

You have not defied him before
But many many women have been hurt when they try to leave. It s a dangerous time.

Wait til day light
Wait til some one else is there
Wait til you away and safe

EasyToEatTiger · 11/11/2017 22:37

I understand. I am going through similar and I have lost a lot of weight which I didn't need to do. Things my end have calmed down, at least for my husband. I am like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
Lots of thoughts and good wishes. We will find a way out.

foxyloxy78 · 11/11/2017 22:37

Don't tell him now at night,when your kids are sleeping. Do it when you are less vulnerable of you need to tell him. I would get my exit plan sorted, leave then deal with it. How are you???

JaneEyre70 · 11/11/2017 22:40

Don't do this tonight OP. Stay talking to WA, and get a plan outlined in your head. You're going to get one chance at this, so you need to do it right. And safely.

TemptressofWaikiki · 11/11/2017 22:49

It’s really been on my mind today. Your most recent posts sounded quite despondent. I’m a bit worried that you’re feeling so low that you are willing him to really hurt you. I do understand why you feel like you must act now once you made up your mind to leave. It’s like you feel like you cannot cope another minute. But the others are right to tell you to have a safe exit strategy.

littlecabbage · 11/11/2017 23:13

Hi OP,
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this situation. I haven't read this entire thread, but noticed a part where you said you are worried about your animals. Apologies if someone has already suggested this, but Google the RSPCA PetRetreat service.

They offer help to look after animals for families feeing domestic abuse. Hope this is helpful for you during your planning. Good Luck xxxx

UnRavellingFast · 12/11/2017 00:46

how are you, OP? I'm thinking of you and wishing you well. I hope you're ok.

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