Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

I see you have a job.

I agree with the PP who suggested taking leave. Can you go to them and tell them that you need the job and ask for some leave. Even a few days unpaid when he THINKS you're at work could be enough to sort something out.

Don't worry about anything other than safety for your first step. When I made the break I had all three of us in the same double bed. I just wanted to be able to afford it and be safe.

Making the break for freedom really worked out for us. My kids are happy and clever and I have a job and a home..

I posted things I didn't want to lose forever to my mum and dad's house.

I knew on the day I could only walk away with passports in my handbag, one buggy two kids and whatever I could fit in the handbag and nappy bag.

luckily i had some clothes and shoes at my mum and dad's house..

change the address on your bank accounts so that he can't spy on you. give work your parents address for now til you have a new address.

When I was a young girl I never dreamed even in my worst nightmares my life would end up like this. I could cry when I see pictures of me from before. I was so happy. Now I just look haunted

I'm going to tell him I want him to go tonight

I hope I never make the mistake of ever falling for any sociopath's banter again. I've been in close range of a few recently and my blood ran cold. I could sense it a mile off

Don’t warn him, don’t tell him

This is the most dangerous time for you.

Just make a plan and get the fuck out.

It’s your only task to do.

Is there someone at work you can confide in? Get some additional support?

I think I need to tell him. He's got 24 hours or I call the police

Sweetheart, until you get out, get some therapy done, do the freedom programme and then dig deep and take a great deal of care, you Will be vulnerable to these manipulative twats.

But you don’t need to worry about that. You just need to get out of what you’re in now and we can help with the afterwards xx

He's mental today. Wild mood swings and rants . Utterly crazy

Have you seen a solicitor yet? With abuse you leaving shouldn't impact your claim on the house.

6 years on from leaving an abusive narc and I'm sitting calmly at my kitchen table doing homework with my dd8.

I often think back at times like these at the hell I went through, the hell you are currently in.

If you feel safe to ask him to go, that it's over that if he doesn't you will report his illegal coercion to the police then go for it. If you feel scared you should leave instead.

Good luck. Please phone the police on 101 and advise them of your situation prior to telling him to leave. That is a high risk time and they need to know you need a quick response should you need them later

Please don't tell him.get you and dc to a safe place
Then tell him.
He is erratic and will snap.
You and dc are vulnerable.
Get out to a safe place family friends then tell him.

Kerp a mobile in your pocket.
But if you try call he will prob snatch phone.
So get somewhere safe first.
Take dc out.
He isn't goingg to listen and behave rationally .

Please don't tell him. Wait until he's out.

please don't tell him!

If you feel that you owe it to him to tell him in person that is only because he has conditioned you and trained you to put his needs above your needs. You are not thinking of what's best for you. You are so highly attuned to how indignant he would feel, how aggrieved, how wronged he would feel if you left him.

But you owe him NOTHING. He has treated you like shit for years and he thinks you owe him

That's his script. That's why you feel guilty about the thought of leaving without telling him in person.

Please believe me when I say that that heightened consideration for him at the expense of what is best and SAFEST for you is part and parcel of his ongoing abuse of you.

You owe him nothing at this point. He has forfeited any rights to your respect or consideration at this point. Of course he's going to put himself up on a cross and wail about your cold heartedness when you leave but please please do not warn him you're about to leave

Echoing what pp have said. Don't tell him you want him to leave, especially when he's in a mood like this. You'll be putting yourself in an extremely dangerous position. Can you get yourself and the kids out for the day? Then call the Police and tell them you're frightened of him and worried about your safety.

See op you are thinking that because he clearly doesn't like you or ypur behaviour or anything he will be happy you going... but it doesn't work like that.
He will be furious..then turn on the tears and poor me.
Be prepared for both.
And dont tell him your plans until you have left.

I would echo the others who say don’t tell him without some safety back-up plan. Especially, if he seems to be in a particularly strange and unpredictable mood. However, on an emotional level, I understand the almost nihilistic desire to confront the demon and force it all to come to a head. It’s make or break and perhaps you sense that he will go beyond his usual somewhat more insidious abuse and escalate to the point from which there is no return, thus getting over the inertia you felt. It just seems a very high-risk strategy. You’re going from being meek to full on confrontation and gawd knows how he will react. But as I said part of me gets it. It might almost seem easier to jump right into the deep water than finding the strength to gradual withdraw.

Ring the police if you need to, explain what's gone on in the past and that you want to leave but you're scared. They will help. You don't have to live like this, and you don't deserve to

Please don't confront or tell him OP, until you have your plans organised and are in a safe place.

There is a very great chance he physically stops you from leaving & gets violent as you are rebelling.
Don't tell him you are leaving.
Go the CAB & sort out your position before, you have lived like this for years, a few more days is doable.
when he is out, you pack the stuff you need & take it to work/friend/parents. be careful he doesn't notice things missing.
at this point you should organise any money that is yours, half the savings, all you salary etc into a new bank account with on line log in.
Could you get a cheap spare phone ? (hide it obviously at work) I worry he has spyware on your existing phone.
Get copies of any paperwork, savings, pension scheme, house deeds, payslips, all & everything you can find. If he has hidden birth certificates & you know they are locked up in a drawer you can break it open as you leave, or order another on line.
You can call domestic violence number & forward of imminent danger, if you feel he has smelt a change coming, & think he could be violent.
personally I would not say, I've had enough I'm off, I would leave & send an email.
He WILL promises to change, go to therapy, cry, sob, offer holidays, flowers, he will say it stress at work, his nasty childhood, he will also say you push him too far,
Do not believe any of this bullshit, it is the cycle of abuse, to reel you back in.. if he sees it doesn't work he will then threaten to take the kids away, to ruin you, to throw you out, you will have nothing. Its the script.
Don't listen, the great thing is once you have left is, you can refuse to answer the phone, not reply to email, or simply hang up.
It is a massive challenge, but you can do it,
EVERYTHING will improve form the minute you get out.

forewarn, sorry !

I’m probably too late for you to read this before you tell him. I’ll try anyway.

Please don’t tell him face to face without someone else there to ensure he doesn’t hurt you, or he will. He will hurt you. This time, when you tell him his game is up is dangerous.

Why do you think your physical safety is not important?

Sending you huge hugs op xxx