Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

[Heartisbroken2]

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

springy that was so well put. Thank you. Heartis, it takes a while sometimes for the enormity of your situation to sink in, you minimise it, think that perhaps it's not so bad, but it is. But please just keep talking to WA, ring the police DV unit if you want to, stay safe.

Wishing you strength and peace, OP. My sol advised that if forced to leave bc of abuse you don't lose out in terms of the house. Check it with your sol. Because it's impossible for us in our worn down brainwashed state- Or was for me anyway- to have the immense confidence and strength and sheer driving determination to get them out while under the same roof. I walked away and while things are complex now, I am becoming stronger every day and the dcs are calmer - much calmer. I can think in my new place. Even dcs say they can't do homework innold place because it feels too muddled and messy and chaotic tho it's not physically. Very telling! Keep talking, keep believing in yourself. Every time I have a negative thought I say shut up ex- sounds mad but that's who it is! Sending you love and strength.

Ps I also had the glass wall feeling! X

Don't tell him.
Don't tell the kids til you arrived in your new house.
They should not be keepng secrets for you.
You work you can rent sonewhere.
When he realises what you doing most likely he will get violent. Don't think he won't.
My Exp got aggressive.

He also did the crying thing .
Anticipate the whole range.
But get you and dc away safely.

What Springy said is true (often the case). It’s the story of The Princess and The Nightingale, isn’t it? Should be required reading in school.

I know you have namechanged but could he be reading this? Just sounds a bit off that he's now saying he will change. Check your phone, laptop and landline as there have been a few threads on here about abusive partners spying with listening devices etc.

Do you think moving back to your family might give you and the kids some support?

He won't change. There is every chance he suspects you might be planning to leave (as the poster says above he might even have found this thread). You know what you need to do. So sorry OP.

How’s it going with women’s aid Op? What’s the next step they’ve advised? X

Is this what you want your children to believe how relationships should be? You need to get out. See a solicitor. I guarantee you’ll feel much more in control.

MissRabbit - of course I don't want my kids to think that bad relationships are normal. They rarely see us together that's something at least. I just feel paralysed by fear and uncertainty for the future. If I had family I could stay with I'd go like a shot. But no one has room for us all. Family are happy to give support on phone etc a bit but no real offers of practical support. If for e.g. My mum had a big enough place and said " just come here now." I'd go.

What do women's aid suggest?

Not a huge amount springy. Just speak to solicitors who I've not been able to get through to. Feeling really low at the moment as under severe work pressure and trying to juggle everything. I don't feel I can cope with too much right now

She also said she didn't think it sounded like there was any immediate danger

MOST people who fall into abusive relationships (I say fall, we're targetted) either have no family to look out for them, or they are in many cases the reason why we ARE vulnerable to others who want to control and belittle us.

MOST of us have nothing and nobody, infact many of us will have family that would chuck us back under the bus, so please don't let the lack of space stop you from getting out. If you knew your children were enduring this in their own relationships, would you offer telephone support only? or would you move heaven and earth to help. I know what I would do.

I also know what my own family did. and that's why we don't have any contact any more.

Your ONLY focus in life now is to find a way to get yourself and your kids out of this toxic environment. It may take a while, it may be hard, it isn't impossible though, in fact it's essential.

Your OH may have detected a shift in you. People like him are tuned to our emotions so that they know instantly how to manipulate them. when they feel they are losing their grip on you it can get tricky.

Keep yourself as under the radar as poss. Cover your tracks and make sure you are not detected.

OP, do you earn enough to rent a small flat to tide you over while you sort out the finances via a solicitor? Even a tiny flat with your kids in one room. You could tell them it’s an adventure where you’re all going to watch a lot of movies and eat a lot of pizza and hang out together.. and at some point you’ll get a bigger place.
Keep going and keep trying WA solicitors. I’m sure they will help. Keep strong, you are going to escape this man and we’re going to help you! A happy future is something you deserve

I am not a great techy but there is a good section on the WA website about hiding your tracks on line. I would have good look at it, if you have't seen it already. I know that some browsers allow you to opt for private browsing which does not record your browsing history. I don't know how to find if your OH has installed monitoring programme on your computer/phone but it might be worth changing your passwords and pin numbers on your phone? Just in case he is monitoring your messages.

What do WA suggest about your options for getting out?

Do have a look at the Freedom Programme and get on a course near you. Yy you've got all the time in the world at the mo lol! But it's worth its weight in gold. Do see if you can find a course near you xx

Hissy - totally agree

You can do the freedom programme on line if he won't let you go out

I don’t see why you can’t go to a WA Refuge? They are totally safe and their locations are 100% confidential.

Thousands of women & children go to them every day. They are comfortable, safe flats within a very safe & secure building with CCTV, high fences & video entry. where no males are permitted whatsoever. There’s always staff in the building, activity rooms & Toys for the kids, video games consoles, internet access, communal areas. Along with families going through the same as you.

I lived in one and actually quite enjoyed it. I arrived with a bag of possessions via a taxi paid for by WA. Housing Benefit covered the cost and WA arranged for me to receive benefits to live on. There is one in nearly every town in the country along with a confidentiality agreement & password system with a taxi company to enable your independence.
You can either choose to stay in your current town/city or move away. Once in there, you are added to the Housing list of the town/city you want to eventually move to, however you can stay in a Refuge as long as you want.

You can request to go to one any time 24/7.

The choice is yours....

Op has a job.
She can rent a small flat. That is what I did.
She doesn't need to give up her job .
Far better to keep job and financial independence.
Take some leave if she needs to sort things out.
Dc will be better off in small flat away from the anger and control

Well here I am. Saturday rolls around and as usual I'm in floods of tears. I've taken an hour of a verbal onslaught in the car where I was captive and couldn't leave. I asked him if he could help with stuff in the house and his response? " fuck off". So nastily said . So much hatred . Big rant about how HE does so much, HE is so tired etc and how I moan about nothing.

Posting to mark my place. You poor thing. NOthing is as hard. I remember crying ALL night because he was roaring at me all night. His narcissist rage. Then he'd feel better and sleep in while the kids had me up at 6am. NIGHTMARE

Please just walk out the door.

I have been in your situation OP. My x was nothing. He was nothing and he had to make himself feel like something by viewing distress in others. He was clever enough to treat boss/male friends/neighbours with respect so it was my distress that he got off on to make him feel like somebody. Ego, inflated at least once a week by being a fucking nasty demented arsehole to me. Self esteem in the gutter.

My self esteem was in the gutter too. I left. I walked out the door and I do not regret it. You're in the UK and you won't starve.

Do not imagine that there are people who need the help more. That is an erroneous sense of worthlessness given to you by him.

YOU deserve the chance that a refuge can give you.

Make the plan to leave.
Look at rental flats.