I’ve been here OP.
11/12 years ago- I was 21 and naively fell for an abuser. By the time I saw it, it was too late. He’s cut me off from family, made me tell my friends I didn’t want to speak to them anymore. Played me off against anyone I worked with, he did a very good job of poisoning my little world against me so I was completely isolated, except for him.
There was severe emotional and physical abuse. He is a monster.
I did what you said in your first post, I tried to end it all. I took s massive overdose of painkillers. I ended up in hospital, miraculously survived and massively fuelled his fake fire of telling everyone I was a ‘psycho’. Even a nurse in the hospital saw what was happening and had a quiet word, told me to leave. I knew she was right but I was paralysed by fear. My behaviour had backed up his claims that I was unhinged. He was so angry that I’d nearly made him responsible for my death, the abuse escalated. I was petrified and more trapped than ever, I feared if I left now he’d kill me. I believed him when he said there was ways he could kill me and make it look like an accident.
Then I got pregnant. Bear in mind, only a year or so had passed at this point, it was all so quick. I was utterly stuck now (so I thought) The pregnancy went on and he remained abusive. The constant monologues of how horrible, ugly, useless, weak I was. He’d throw things at me, punch my arms, coerce me into sex I didn’t want. He’d never hit my face because people would see. He’d strangle me though, or raise a maglite torch above his head in threat of bringing it down on mine. I remember every incident like it was yesterday.
I went into labour at 25 weeks. Even during the 36 hours they tried to keep my baby in me he was whispering in my ear ‘make sure a female doctor delivers, I’ll never look at you the same if it’s a man’ and I dutifully did- they looked at me like I was mad. The consultant would be delivering my extremely premature, potentially dead baby whether they were man, woman or alien. But he was constantly in my ear. Apart from when he popped out (5 hours) to pick up his car as it had a new stereo fitted. Im sure you’re getting the picture of what kind of character we’re dealing with..
DD was born. Whisked away, I didn’t know if she was alive, to NICU. She was gravely ill, to cut a very long story short she was in hospital for six months. I tried to leave him while she was in intensive care. I’d got the bus to hospital one day because I missed her and he wouldn’t come home to drive me (I wasn’t allowed out alone) he hit me and threw me out. I had to go into the hospital and ask if there was somewhere I could stay. It was horrific. I didn’t tell them the truth (I wish I had)
By now I’d had enough. I knew DD would t survive living with him. She has severe and multiple disabilities, she came home on oxygen and tube fed and I started my plan to leave. It took four months but I saved some money and called women’s aid. They advised me on my next move so when he was at work one day, I packed all DDs medical equipment including an oxygen concentrator and some clothes, loaded a taxi and went to sleep on my Nan’s two seater sofa with DDs carrycot beside me. I was terrified. Utterly convinced that he’d kill me, but I was strong, the strength was for DD, her life is so fragile, she needed protecting.
The monsters Mother was complicit in his abuse. She watched him punch me in the mouth once because I’d asked to go to the hospital to see DD. She didn’t say a word yet when I left him she fawned over is to try to get me to go back to him. Shocking! He tried to get us back. We had begging, pleading, monologues, ‘nobody is ever going to want you with a disabled baby’, insults, nastiness, stalking, more gestures.. after a year he left it and found another victim. He blackened my name a treat, half the town I live in probably think I’m ‘crazy’ but I’d say my level of parenting/caring and the life I’ve lived up to now is enough to dispel that utter drivel. I don’t care what anyone thinks now.
Ten years has passed. There is a novel’s worth of detail I have left out of this post but I wanted to let you know it can be done. DD is doing well. I am her full time carer, it’s been hard work but I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been if I was still with that monster. DD can’t speak, eat, she didn’t take a step until she was seven, she can’t see or hear properly- I can’t imagine how traumatic her life would be if it had included him.
Leaving was the best thing I’ve ever done for her. Your children deserve a happy, free mother and you deserve freedom. It can be done. I wish you all the luck in the world. If my story can help you in any way, even if it’s only to know you’re not alone, it’s worth sharing. I don’t often tell people because unless you’ve been there, you can’t understand it.