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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

735 replies

Heartisbroken2 · 05/11/2017 10:52

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 08/11/2017 14:34

That voice? That's him. That's how men like him operate. They tell you that you're the problem. Your behaviour pushes them to this. If YOU would only toe the line they wouldn't have to behave this way.
It is bollocks.
We hear you OP. Loud and clear. Stay safe.

finallymadeupmymind · 08/11/2017 14:43

Well done for persisting. So glad you have some support.

That voice that says it you deserve it will recede once you have less contact with him - it will get weaker and weaker. Self-doubt is an incredibly potent side effect of this process. Even contributing to this thread has made me question whether I really experienced anything particularly bad, if I have mis-remembered, over-dramatised, made it up....

My ex said similar stuff about me being the cause of all his unhappiness, the reason he got angry etc, he was apparently a "placid man" when not dealing with me!

It is interesting watching him from afar. Even with very little contact, quite often I can sense he is seething about something and I wonder how he rationalises all the difficult feelings he has about his work, his parents, his masculinity, money... without me as a scapegoat. It is great not being in the firing line!

Original poster
Heartisbroken2 · 08/11/2017 14:43

The WA lady did tell me I might jeopardise my co ownership claim on the house if I leave.

OP posts:
Atenco · 08/11/2017 14:55

You need legal advice about the house and I think it would probably help if you could start taking the freedom programme sooner rather than later. A friend of mine was living with a emotionally abusive man to the point that it made her quite seriously ill. I think she had about 18 months of therapy before she finally left him.

They weren't married and she had given up her job to look after his daughters, so she left with nothing, but she has her health and her happiness back again.

springydaffs · 08/11/2017 14:58

Overjoyed you have got through to women's aid!

Phew, relief relief relief. You're in the best hands now. They can hear you shouting behind that pane of glass.

They are the experts. They know it all and will advise and support you in everything. Bravo women's aid!

And bravo you. Step at a time and you'll get there Flowers

Original poster
Heartisbroken2 · 08/11/2017 16:32

Something strange is going on. He's sent a message saying he's really feeling positive about the future and looking forward to us spending a great life together Confused

OP posts:
Greedynan · 08/11/2017 16:37

Perhaps he senses that you've reached your limit. Glad you spoke to WA and have had some advice xx

Greedynan · 08/11/2017 16:38

Is there any way he could be listening in on or tracking your calls in any way? X

Original poster
Heartisbroken2 · 08/11/2017 16:40

I don't know. Something is going on. Not sure what. Perhaps he's just worried

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner1 · 08/11/2017 17:37

I would be very careful OP. Just do some absolute basics on your phone and check your privacy settings. Also good idea not to use the internet at home , stick to your phone data unless he is the bill payer and owner of your account. In which case use your phone for basic phone calls texts. Personally in your situation I would get a completely different phone. Maybe second hand if not much access to cash. Don’t stop using your own though.. that will attract attention but you could leave it at home (he will think you are there) when you go out.
I might sound paranoid but my neighbor has just had a brief relationship with a control freak who phoned her every time she left the house. It was like he was watching but he had just enabled some kind of sharing on her phone that tracked her when she moved/left the house.. scary..

Nothingtolose · 08/11/2017 19:44

Hi, I am going through this too. exactly the same... the rants and lectures about my behaviour, including my family background.
Continually told I am a fucking retard or dickhead or idiot...
Same reason for not leaving too... I also have four children and the three older ones see me as the problem because I sometimes don’t toe the line. The catchphrase in our house is “daddy makes the rules”.
I can’t believe my life has ended up like this, all the classic abuse... can’t see friends, family banned, continually living on eggshells. In addition mine is an alcoholic so I can’t leave as then the kids will be sent to have contact or even 50/50 living arrangements with him and I am convinced he will kill them by drink driving or worse. Contacting health visitors etc also seems impossible in case they phone social services and he finds out I have talked to someone. Sorry to hijack... I just wanted you to know I understand totally what you are going through and you are not alone. I can’t think of a way out, other than to wait until the children are old enough to fend for themselves if left alone with him... and old enough to understand about right and wrong behaviour. I am trying as much as possible to quietly teach mine about how to treat and not treat others, respect, kindness etc but of course I have little credibility and they learn more by example than words.
I think one thing that could help is to make sure they spend plenty of time with friends from normal loving families so they can see examples of how other people live...
Although this too can be difficult as we struggle to reciprocate play dates as if there is a risk he will be there and start shouting in front of the friend (this has happened to us...) and of course also they take objection to any close friend you or your child make...

Greedynan · 08/11/2017 19:53

Nothingtolose I'm so sorry. It's awful. Would it be so bad if social services were involved though? Have you spoken to WA?

Original poster
Heartisbroken2 · 08/11/2017 21:02

Nothingtolose I'm so sorry you are going through this too. It's just awful isn't it? Mine drinks too much too. Probably a functioning alcoholic. Binge drinks . Always ok when drinking but hideous the next day and takes it out on everyone with bad moods and impatience. If he thinks he can't drink he's moody like a sulky child. Never drinks around the kids but late at night. I always dread it when he goes on a bender. Sorry if that's a drip feed but I guess I'm used to it and it's so much part of who he is

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 08/11/2017 21:49

Has he read this thread?

blessedbrianblessed · 09/11/2017 00:20

I am so sorry to hear you are going through all this.

You are not bad-mouthing him.

His behaviour towards you is abusive. That is a fact. Keep on calling Women's Aid until you get through and tell them you need to speak to someone urgently. Then tell them everything. They will advise you and help you. You must do this.

Please leave with your children as soon as you possibly can. They will cope with the change in circumstance far better than you imagine and you will be astonished at what you can achieve on your own without your horrible, horrible husband around you.

He has brain-washed you to feel like you are at fault. You are not.

Get away from him and you will heal and recover. I know. I have done it.

Please do not let your children absorb any more of this hideousness than they already have. Leave for your sake and theirs.

Jux · 09/11/2017 00:22

It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s not you, it’s him.

Jux · 09/11/2017 00:26

Also, please speak to the police DV Unit, on the non-emergency number, 101. Now you’ve spoken to WA and know it is indeed that, you can garner as much real life support as you can. Let the police know what’s going on, help them to protect you and the children by putting a flag by your address and number in case you need help urgently. Just in case.

user1471553214 · 09/11/2017 06:16

OP, I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if this has been covered. You can speak to Woman’s Aid re your animals - the rspca run a fostering service for people fleeing domestic abuse (they work with woman’s aid), other charities do similar. I hope you’re out of this situation soon, it sounds truly awful Sad

Roussette · 09/11/2017 07:41

Heartisbroken I haven't commented on your thread but I have read it all. With complete horror. Unlike some on here, I have not had an abusive marriage such as yours, I've only had a short relationship with someone who was a classic narc/sociopath but I got out thank God.

Also nothingtolose my heart goes out to you, I hope something works for you and someone can come along to help you.

But heartisbroken2 I just wanted to say I wonder if your partner has seen this thread? I always think how wonderful it is to get support from MNers who just know what you are going through but also if I was the abuser the first thing I would do to track my partner is look on MN for threads. I don't know what to suggest as you really need this support but just bear in mind that your partner's behaviour could've changed because of what he is reading.

springydaffs · 09/11/2017 07:45

Imo if he'd read this thread he would be angry.

No, his spidey senses know op has shifted - abusers have an uncanny sense of a shift in their victim.

You're with WA now op, you've landed. Phew Flowers

PollyCazaletWannabe · 09/11/2017 08:01

Just wanted to add a voice of support OP. You've been very brave. Keep going Flowers

Original poster
Heartisbroken2 · 09/11/2017 09:03

He's told me this morning he's going to change and things are going to be better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heartisbroken2 · 09/11/2017 09:10

Maybe I seem more confident. I just can't believe how many other people are going through this. I know you read statistics and hear about it in the paper but it's so overwhelming to hear about real people going though the same hideous journey in life

OP posts:
Thinkingaboutarevolution · 09/11/2017 09:11

He's told me this morning he's going to change and things are going to be better.
Has he ever said things like that before when in a nice phase?

Slingsanderrors · 09/11/2017 09:16

Be wary Heartis, he may have guessed your plans and be reeling you back in, or maybe something has happened at work?
I doubt very much he'll change, they don't.
Take care