If this happened to you, what would your DH/DP do?

[Inarightpickleandchutney]

Let’s say you were about an hour away from home.
With a DD, having a day out at the seaside.
I have a known allergy and carry epi pens.
I went to a cafe with DD, asked about the food, ordered etc. Minutes later after a first mouthful I’m struggling for breath and it’s very obvious it’s anaphylactic shock.
DD is 7, tells a grown up they do the epi pen and n ambulance is called.

The nurse at the hospital calls home to say don’t panic but this has happened and it was a close call but it’s all under control.

Your DH.... what is their response to that call?

As an aside, OP (another vote for LTB by the way!) - what the heck did that cafe do to you? I think you need to call Environmental Health as they need some SERIOUS allergy training. Bloody awful.

I think it is divorce worthy.

I personally couldn’t sit on the sofa watching tv knowing my husband and daughter were alone in hospital and going to have to get public transport home. I’d want them back safe and comfortable as soon as possible. It wouldn’t be a chore, I would gladly do it in a heartbeat and as quickly as possible. I think this is how it should be in a marriage. I’m pretty sure my husband would do the same for me.

You need to find someone who wants to do this for you too.

What a sad situation but at least you know what he’s like now.

Good luck. Xxx

DH would have dropped everything & come to us (he doesnt have a life or death type job).

I hope the future holds great things for you & your daughter

I thought op was in the hospital for a few days and made her own way home? Sorry - as I said, skimmed thread!

So what would have happened to the child had the OP not been discharged? Sat in the hospital all night?

I honestly don't know what DH would have done. I've learnt that I'm usually disappointed if I try to test him. I'd have text him to say get your ass down the hospital.

Alternative your posts feel somewhat accusatory to me, which is puzzling as I've not once said the op should have done anything different or felt anything different, and I certainly haven't tried to defend her DH. I had a hasty guess at how it would have played out in my own house, that's all. If you look back at my posts you'll see I covered the question you asked me already.

What an absolute gem your daughter is. She sounds delightful, bless her. She did so well. You must be so proud of her.

Your husband on the other hand! What an absolute bellend! He should be ashamed of himself. I know if it was me in AED with our son, my husband would come straight away. If I was on my own I'd tell him to take his time. I actually can't believe he didn't come at all and left you to get the train. What a heartless bastard. You are better off without him.

LaContessaDiPlump you are aware of concern you have so that is a start. I happen to think sympathy is nice but can be overrated. If someone has sympathy but doesn't do what you need. It doesn't work.

You just need to let your th know what is expected when it is expected.

Dh

OP you say you've accepted you weren't his 'priority' but it's worse than that. Not a priority suggests he would still have done something eventually, e.g. waited until after the football had finished, or not come to see you, but at least picked dd up after a few hours, or even just waiting up for you when you eventually got home. It's more like you weren't even on his radar at all.

If he was busy at work, or couldn't drive, or was out with friends it would still not be ideal but at least he would have a reason. Instead, his "things that are more important than the welfare of my wife and child" include "watching strangers kick a ball around" and "have a nap." Utterly pathetic. I'm glad you're speaking to a solicitor.

picklemepopcorn - fuck me your post is depressing. Your husband would need to be told what to do because he 'doesn't do well with uncertainty and change?' So if there was a fire he would just stand there whimpering at it until someone else came and told him to throw water over it? A grown adult shouldn't have to be told 'If your family are distressed/in need, go and help them." It's basic common sense/compassion.

I don't understand what people get out of relationships with these overgrown children. I've never been in a relationship with anyone perfect, but I can at least say they've all been fully functioning adults, whatever their individual foibles or more unpleasant personality traits.

The nurse said 'she is stable now but it was a close call and staying in in case of a second reaction'

how could anyone hear 'all good, your assistance/support/comfort to your wife and child is not needed. She will make her own way home'

My husband would have come to the hospital at once whether or not I had a child with me. He should have gone for the dd at very least. What a craphound of a man.

So I’m preparing for my appointment tomorrow.... I’m just exhausted with DH now.

The solicitor will guide you through what you need to think about. For prep, you can prepare info on housing, salary, any assets. Also lots of websites that explain the process and which forms to fill in.

Don’t let him persuade you that what he did was fine. Leaving a 7-year old at the hospital with you is so bad I can’t comprehend how a father (or stepfather) could do that, especially when he was just at home anyway.

BTW - leaving you to make your way home was just as bad on his part. Just can’t believe him thinking its fine to leave a 7-year old to deal with her mum bring in hospital, even if he doesn’t seem to particularly care about mum.

I’m just getting so cross. Now I think about it why wasn’t he in our day to the seaside? Why wasn’t it instinctively the first thing to think of? To come get DD?

It was nuts to those who asked... if asked all my usual questions and then it turned out they had a chicken satay filling and they used the same knife.

I just don’t understand why he didn’t just want to be with us

Don't waste precious time or headspace trying to understand it - because you won't.

Basically he doesn't care enough. Just doesn't.

There could be a whole army of reasons for that, but the course of action which will ultimately have the greatest chance of ending up with you and your DD being HAPPY and SECURE is to not even bother trying to work it out. Focus on you. Him not giving a shit about either of you is all you need to know, now take steps so that that reality doesn't mean that both of you live with rejection, sadness, uncertainty. Get rid - take him and his selfishness out of your everyday lives, stop giving to him simply by allowing this to be the status quo.

Once you've gone, HE can live with having no-one to really give a shit, help him out, act as if they care. Maybe then he'll get it; he might well not.

Spending time trying to understand, worse still fix, is what keeps you there, suffering, while he bimbles selfishly, meanly on. It is a waste of precious precious time with the one life you have, the one childhood your DD has.

Good luck with the solicitor.

Good that you got to the bottom of how the allergy was triggered. Is it worth informing the local council where they are, so that they can update their records? Cross contamination is serious and an incident like this should be taken into consideration when doing the hygiene assessments. Especially given the fact that you'd carefully checked with the place and made it clear you had an allergy.

"It was nuts to those who asked... if asked all my usual questions and then it turned out they had a chicken satay filling and they used the same knife." That's terrible. A really stupid mistake. I hope you complain to all the right people, I think Lazy makes a good suggestion.

Thinking of you.

Ok I hope all goes well tomorrow.

The thing for me is even if you can disregard the lack of care for you (which you shouldn’t) it the lack of care for your daughter that really twists the knife.

I don’t have children, but when my DN was poorly and in A&E DP left work in a heartbeat to pick up toddler other DN, so that BIL could be with DSis & and LO.

So not even his ‘blood’ family; I couldn’t as I was still working as a Nurse then.

Never ever doubt yourself; you & your child deserve so much better than this...I can’t even think of a word…

That’s terrible OP. I asked my OH. He said he’d go straight to the hospital. I can’t believe he let you and your 7 year old daughter get the train back after what happened and at that time.

How did your appointment go?

What Powerpants said!!!! Abso-fucking-lutely report the cafè!!!!

That's awful! I'd have expected him to be there for me but moreso for DD as hospital is a scary & boring place to be stuck for 9 hrs and what if you had deteriorated?

I had a horrendous stomach bug this week (& I'm pregnant & DS had woken up crying in the middle of the night while I was vomming) and DH offered to come home from his nightshift to help.

How did the appointment go?
Thinking of you!