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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If this happened to you, what would your DH/DP do?

326 replies

Inarightpickleandchutney · 02/11/2017 19:00

Let’s say you were about an hour away from home.
With a DD, having a day out at the seaside.
I have a known allergy and carry epi pens.
I went to a cafe with DD, asked about the food, ordered etc. Minutes later after a first mouthful I’m struggling for breath and it’s very obvious it’s anaphylactic shock.
DD is 7, tells a grown up they do the epi pen and n ambulance is called.

The nurse at the hospital calls home to say don’t panic but this has happened and it was a close call but it’s all under control.

Your DH.... what is their response to that call?

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 03/11/2017 11:58

Skimmed thread - my DH would assume it was all fine because the nurse said so and would expect to see me/kids when we got home. He might agree to come and meet us at the hospital if I was particularly shaken. He'd be kind when I got home and make me tea/give me a hug etc.

I get the impression from skimming this thread that more is expected though!! I haven't read in detail so can't comment further.

Hope you're feeling better op Flowers

Cupoteap · 03/11/2017 12:02

Nothing - I love that description of the standard of man you should settle for.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/11/2017 12:06

I get the impression from skimming this thread that more is expected though!
His daughter saw Mom go into anaphalxsis (sic), got an adult to do the right thing then had to go to hospital with her, sitting for who knows how long with her mom unconscious / out of it. Even without the young ge and ASD that's a lot. You honestly don't think he should have come and got her? Especially when it started to get late and dark? They got in past midnight on public transport. DD must have been exhausted and I imagine Op still felt crap.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/11/2017 12:06

Late to this, I am sure I'm going to say what everyone else has.

Yes it absolutely IS that bad.

It's not just even about being worried (he should have been) and wanting to make sure you were ok and bring you home under supervision (he should have) so that you didn't, on top of a hospital stay, have to take a train, possibly get delayed (any normal person would have thought like this) and even, possibly, fainted or fallen asleep or had a delayed reaction which would have been terrible if you were on public transport miles from home at night.

It isn't even about all those blindingly obvious elements which would have ANYONE else (even a neighbour, a friend fgs!) going OMG and jumping in the car.

You can leave ALL that aside, say now you were some hugely independent person who he knew would hate a fuss, you could JUST POSSIBLY excuse him not coming for you. Just.

But. Your ten year old daughter was the only other person with you.

So not only was he utterly uncaring towards you, but he was happy (or didn't even think) to leave his ten year old, possibly upset from what she'd already seen and had to deal with, being in your care for a late night journey home on a train when you could possibly be shaky, feeling ill, not quite with it, her pretty much in the role of caring for you and the only person to raise an alarm if you'd had a reaction on the train. Happy to have a ten year old do that journey too late at night rather than have her dad come and get her.

That is utterly astonishing and I hope you detail his utter lack of responsibility towards your poor daughter in your divorce petition for unreasonable behaviour.

I am SO glad you are getting your details together and getting rid of this utterly shitty excuse for a 'partner'. Or a 'dad'.

I hope you take real care over contact, and don't be surprised if your lovely, capable DD doesn't take long to lose interest in seeing him. I would be surprised if she gets anything from him, emotionally, already.

Good luck.

LaContessaDiPlump · 03/11/2017 12:22

You honestly don't think he should have come and got her?

Sleeping I never said that. I described what would have happened in my own house. This thread is a bit of an eye-opener as to reasonable expectations tbh (i.e. it sounds like mine are rather low)...

CakesRUs · 03/11/2017 12:34

As the nurse said it was fine and under control, he’d get hold of me on my phone to see what the score is and what I needed. We’ve been together 32 years and married 25, I’m going to ask him WWYD when I see him. Glad you’re ok and DD is a superstar.

AlternativeTentacle · 03/11/2017 12:35

my DH would assume it was all fine because the nurse said so and would expect to see me/kids when we got home

Would he not think 'erm...how exactly are they getting home?'. Fly?

katmarie · 03/11/2017 12:47

Whether or not he let you down, (and he really did) he massively failed your daughter, and in addition taught her a lesson about the level of support she can expect from the significant men in her life in future, one she likely won’t forget. He’s teaching her that fathers and husbands cannot be relied upon to come and support her when she needs them. It’s rare that I think a relationship should be ended, I often err on the side of more communication and more empathy but in this case I think your decision to see a solicitor is the right one. if only to show your daughter that she can have higher expectations and standards for the men in her life and how they will be there for her, and that it’s ok to step away from people who don’t have her needs and best interests at heart.

hmmmmm · 03/11/2017 12:47

Event sport obsessed 1st dh would have come straight away.

Please your H is selfish git.

Blackcatonthesofa · 03/11/2017 12:53

My ex was a twat but when I called him that I was being admitted to hospital (different reason) it took him 45 min. To get to me. I later checked that if you do that distance on maximum speed it still takes more than an hour.

Italiangreyhound · 03/11/2017 13:07

How are you today OP?

LaContessaDiPlump · 03/11/2017 13:10

Would he not think 'erm...how exactly are they getting home?'. Fly?

Actually if the DC were there he might come and get them, but he wouldn't rush. Also I'd probably get a lift back myself later in the week, provided it didn't clash with music lessons/school/work.

I'm not saying any of the above is ok; just that it's prob what would happen in my house.

minmooch · 03/11/2017 13:14

Another one saying that this is divorce worthy. I would not be able to look at him with any respect ever again.

When my eldest son was diagnosed with a brain tumour my then husband (step father of 5 years by then) said to me he couldn’t support me in any way as he hadn’t banked on having an ill stepchild. I divorced him as he showed me what a Lilly livered coward of a man he was.

Do not accept this horrible treatment. You and your dad deserve soooooo much more.

Italiangreyhound · 03/11/2017 13:17

LaContessaDiPlump is it worth thinking if you expectations of your dp/dh are actually too low?

Mirrormirrorotw · 03/11/2017 13:17

He'd be straight in the car l, act all concerned and then throw it back in my face at some point in the future.

gunsandbanjos · 03/11/2017 13:20

First of all your daughter sounds fabulous and truly deserves her build a bear treat!

To the point in hand, your ‘D’H is an absolute cunt, he had himself a lovely quiet day to himself while you were only an hour away in a hospital bed having nearly died? Is that correct? Didn’t think to bother his arse to come see the woman he’s supposed to love or to perhaps check that his child is ok or needing dinner or some reassurance?
Let you get the train home after 9 hours in hospital while he slept soundly without a care in his head?

That is utterly appalling.

My soon to be DH (4 weeks!!) would have dropped everything to be there. In fact he dropped everything to come visit us in A&E when my daughter (not his) broke her finger. A minor injury compared to yours! Again he totally rearranged his work schedule last year when she was in hospital with pneumonia to support us both, that’s what a real relationship is like.
Your waste of space is ONLY thinking of himself.

hmmmmm · 03/11/2017 13:38

Mirror your dh sounds lovely

LaContessaDiPlump · 03/11/2017 13:44

Italian they probably are. I have previously thought that I'd be better off phoning friends for help in a crisis, as they actually answer phones/give sympathy with needing to have it explained that sympathy is necessary....

Sigh. Not sure how to fix it. Not sure I should be on this thread really, it's reminding me of the issue.

I wish you good luck op, and that you and your DD go on to great things.

Goodasgoldilox · 03/11/2017 14:11

My DH is a very practical man. In the first weeks of our relationship I got flu - he came to my parents' house to deliver oranges to me (rather than flowers). This is typical.

I know that he would have travelled many hours - at once - to look after his dc and just to support me (even if the nurse thought all was fine).

He would never leave us to make our own way home after such an event.

He doesn't think of himself as doting!

DamnItall · 03/11/2017 16:49

100% divorce worthy!

AlternativeTentacle · 03/11/2017 16:50

Actually if the DC were there he might come and get them, but he wouldn't rush. Also I'd probably get a lift back myself later in the week, provided it didn't clash with music lessons/school/work.

You'd get a life back later in the week? Where would you be in the meantime? On the streets? What a very odd relationship you must have.

LaContessaDiPlump · 03/11/2017 17:31

I thought op was in the hospital for a few days and made her own way home? Sorry - as I said, skimmed thread!

Hissy · 03/11/2017 17:43

Fuck me, my loathsome and abusive ex was staying at mine for a few days before going back —under the slimy rock he crawled out from— abroad, had a suspected heart attack, he went in overnight.

Even I went to go and pick the fucker up and tbh he’s worth more to me and mankind if he were dead tbh.

My wonderful oh hates motorways, so I could see that this would spook him, but I think he’d get someone to drive him to where I was in these circumstances.

I’d be reconsidering my relationship if I was treated the way you were treated by this man op.

ClaryFray · 03/11/2017 18:17

I had an incident today which put me in a bit of danger. I wasn't hurt just shaken and my DH took me shopping, bought me lunch and I'm currently in the bath while he entertains DS wit FIFA.

Your partner sounds like an arse!

OlafLovesAnna · 03/11/2017 18:37

If you phoned a mate would they have asked if you needed anything/come and got you/come and got your child? If you had asked one of your parents or siblings what would they have done?

I’m pretty sure any decent person would recognise your DD would be in need of care and that you would be feeling shit and help you.

Your husband couldn’t be bothered about you or about the safety and comfort of his child. Fuck that shit. It IS that bad, ditch the fucker.