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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If this happened to you, what would your DH/DP do?

326 replies

Inarightpickleandchutney · 02/11/2017 19:00

Let’s say you were about an hour away from home.
With a DD, having a day out at the seaside.
I have a known allergy and carry epi pens.
I went to a cafe with DD, asked about the food, ordered etc. Minutes later after a first mouthful I’m struggling for breath and it’s very obvious it’s anaphylactic shock.
DD is 7, tells a grown up they do the epi pen and n ambulance is called.

The nurse at the hospital calls home to say don’t panic but this has happened and it was a close call but it’s all under control.

Your DH.... what is their response to that call?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 02/11/2017 22:00

Zoolatry good point, report the restaurant.

SomePpl · 02/11/2017 22:04

How is your relationship otherwise? Is he usually selfish?

Lelloteddy · 02/11/2017 22:18

This was typical behaviour for my Ex. Absolute lack of empathy and care. When I was younger, fitter and healthier it wasn’t an issue. At the first sign of ill health I realised what an awful mistake I’d made in believing that this man cared about me. It only got worse.

You are doin* the right thing by leaving him OP.

Lunde · 02/11/2017 22:19

I feel so sad for you and your dd - I cannot understand why he would not come and see you but even worse. I cannot comprehend why he would be so cruel to dd and leave her alone at the hospital, knowing that she'd just witnessed the traumatic incident of her mum collapsing and being rushed to hospital. Any normal parent would want to come and see their spouse and comfort their child.

littlemissneela · 02/11/2017 22:30

I read this to my dh, as if it was me out for the day with our only child, and him at home with no child or responsibilities. I had to read it several times as he couldn't believe your (d)h did that. Not only to you but your dd! He is in agreement that it is enough to warrant a divorce, esp as you say there have been other instances of his selfishness.

Many years ago I broke my leg in our garden. Our kids were very young, so he couldn't take me to a&e. My parents who are very local were actually out for the day (and had just arrived at their destination, so turned back straight away). My bil came and took me to hospital whilst dh fed the kids and then came up. My parents also came, and took the kids back home so dh could look after me. That is how it happens.

Sorry, I can't remember if you've said already, but have you spoken to him about it? Does he understand why it was a low thing for him to do?
I can't drive, but you can bet if it were my dh in hospital and I had a call, me and the kids would have been in a cab and on our way to see him.

NumberEightyOne · 02/11/2017 22:30

I ended up in hospital about an hour away from home and DP who doesn't drive dropped everything and jumped in a taxi. He was brilliant. Your DH is terrible for treating you in such an uncaring way.

ohfourfoxache · 02/11/2017 22:38

He’s bloody lucky you’re seeing a solicitor for a divorce rather than murder(!)

Seriously though, you’re not overreacting. Useless waste of space tosser: he’s shown you what he thinks of you and you’re reacting entirely appropriately.

I hope you’re starting to feel better Thanks

Lostin3dspace · 02/11/2017 22:39

At least you're not alone!
My Ex still went out for the day when I told him I was having chest pains and thought I needed a doctor.
Later I was blue lighted to hospital, suspected heart attack at the time. I phoned him to tell him. He carried on with his day out.
Later when I phoned for a lift home, he complained, and I had to get the bus and train.
You've not shacked up with my ex have you?

homefromworklate · 02/11/2017 23:30

Reading your post has left me feeling really sad for you OP. Your other half is meant to be the one person in your corner, he should have your back and to want to care and protect you. His lack of action speaks volumes. I think I would instantly fall out of love with him.

Worriedobsessive · 02/11/2017 23:41

Has he got form for this sort of thing? My husband would be there in a heartbeat, and if he wasn’t, I’d assume something was very wrong.

DoubleDinghyRapids · 02/11/2017 23:42

Dh would be there like a shot.

A nurse could tell him I’m stable and he could know that I’m ok but he’d also know that while I may not need him his fucking child will have seen her mum suffer an allergic reaction in an unknown place and he would want to be there, if not for me but def for her. Can’t ebleive he was happy to leave not only you but also his child.

There’s no way my dh would not come, he’d drop everything and get into the care, to be honest, but if we say had no car and he couldn’t physically get there and no family could help, he would be in the opine for updates and pacing the floor with worry until we were home safe, nit in bed fast asleep.

Just read this out to dh who is a big footie fan and he said he should be embarrassed that his seven year old child is more mature and caring and sensible than her Him, a grown adult man. He said there’s no way dd would have been in that situation in the first place because as much as he lives his footie, if he had a day off, rare or nit and his wife and child were having a day out, he’d choose spending time with his family rather than staying at home for footie,

He asked why your dh wasn’t with you and his Daughter for the day out, or why he hadn’t at least arranged drive you there and back.

Your not over reacting at all, your dd is great (which she hasnt inherited from her father). Flowers

Original poster
Inarightpickleandchutney · 02/11/2017 23:42

Thanks so much for all the messages confirming what I already know.... the fact is that it wasn’t the other side of the world it was an hour, the nurse had called to say it was a close call but all is under control, but I’d be kept In due to the relapse risk I described earlier.

DD has known forever what to do with the epi pens, in case I can’t do it myself which was the case here.

She was absolutely fabulous and for
A child with ADHD did not panic worry over think or anything. Took charge completely and was amazing.

The both line is that he had that call saying it was close and the only reason I was still here was that I wasn’t too far from the hospital.
Combined with DD quick reaction saves my life.

It’s simply not good enough from him.

OP posts:
debbs77 · 02/11/2017 23:53

Absolutely not acceptable that not only did he not come to collect you but that he was asleep when you got home !

Sounds like the hospital were absolutely brilliant with your daughter!!

Bouncingbelle · 02/11/2017 23:54

My 'D'P is a useless selfish non-driving arsehole who i am considering leaving.
He would be there within the hour, if not for me then definately for his child.

Worriedobsessive · 02/11/2017 23:55

Has he done this sort of thing before?

Nagy didn’t he go with you to the seaside?

oldlaundbooth · 02/11/2017 23:56

He'd get his ass to the hospital, pronto.

Original poster
Inarightpickleandchutney · 03/11/2017 00:03

Just to say, as well, I took DD to build a bear to get whatever one she wants with the clothes, the skates, the extra bits, she was made a huge fuss about but DH has
Pretty much had a blank expression and bewildered about why I’m making so much of a big deal of it....

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 03/11/2017 00:20

My ex husband would probably have been in the pub when he got the call, in which case he would have ended the call, and kept on drinking. If he'd been at home watching the football, he'd have watched the rest of the game, and gone to bed.

He's my ex.

Worriedobsessive · 03/11/2017 00:20

Please could you answer? Has he been like this before? The bewildered look doesn’t surprise me. What’s he like with working out how other people might be feeling, generally?

Longtime · 03/11/2017 00:24

You could have died and he is bewildered why you are making so much of a big deal of it? I am speechless.

Flyinggeese · 03/11/2017 00:26

OP the only circumstances where I'd possibly not consider divorce in your shoes would be if your husband has any mental health issues or conditions which mean he can't empathise in the conventional way, or if he has a debilitating phobia of hospitals and had a mental health crisis. as this is not the case (sure you'd have said) then I can't see how on earth you could stay married. This is not how the person you have the closest relations ship in the world with should be behaving.

So sorry it's happened but maybe he's helped you see what he's like, very clearly. Glad you're OK physically and your daughter sounds amazing.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/11/2017 00:32

In sire its been said. It not only is he a shit husband but he's a ducking awful father too.

Even if I was divorced I would expect my childs father to come and get her, look after her, whatever was needed.

To let his daughter sit around hospital for 7 hours then travel over an hour on public transport back is bloody appalling!! And then there's his wife who nearly died who must feel physically exhausted

Have my very first LTB

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 03/11/2017 00:55

Your DD sounds like an amazing little girl. You both deserve better than this piece of shit. I hope you bin him and don't look back Flowers

Reflexella · 03/11/2017 01:01

What a useless toad. Your daughter is a star. Glad you are ok.
Do you think you’ll show him the thread? so he realises that there’s several hundred people who think he acted like a twat

HamSandWitches · 03/11/2017 01:05

My ex wouldn't have come for me because I had a reaction but if I had dd he would come to give us a lift home.

Me I would just be left to make my own way back