Is this normal within a relationship?

[Lacura]

Hi everyone.
My partner of 13 years has booked a holiday with his 20 year old daughter. A week away in January to somewhere in Europe. He said he might do this and also said I wasn't invited because I wouldn't enjoy it. I found an email this morning, they booked it yesterday. He hasn't told me yet.
Me and his daughter haven't always seen eye to eye, in fact for the first seven or eight years of our relationship I wasn't allowed anywhere near her because her mother wouldn't hear of it.
Is it normal, to take your 20 year old daughter abroad for a week without your partner?
Also what is concerning me is that I'm due to have a small operation within the next couple of months, he's clearly not taken that into account at all.
I feel so upset, not sure if I've a right to be upset, that's why I'm posting.

I'd be hurt too.
It's fine for him to go away with his DD, course it is but the way it's been done and some of the terms used are unpleasant imho.
It could have been arranged without causing upset to someone surely?

Yes, totally normal. They have a completely separate relationship to you and your partner and it would be totally reasonable to have time together just the two of them, just like you have time together. I'm 37 now and my mum comes to visit me usually 3 times a year to have time 'just the two of us' (well, plus my family) and my step-dad isn't invited. It's not like we don't get along (though we aren't close); it's just that it's our time together. He comes to visit one other time. Certainly when I was 20 we often took holidays together alone. My mum didn't have a serious partner then, but if she had, he wouldn't have been invited. It was still our time.

I think you're totally right that it should have been something he discussed with you in terms of timing so you could all plan around your operation, but if it's not going to be like the same week, especially if you don't have other small children, I wouldn't consider that a big deal either. Going on holiday a few weeks or months after a minor procedure wouldn't raise any concerns for me.

Were you the OW? Just curious -- it would explain why her mother didn't want you near her and why she hated you.

Is the trip to engage in a sport or activity that you don't do? Skiing or something?

I think it is perfectly fine for parents to do things with their children without their new partner. Perhaps with all the past tension in the relationship, he felt that a full week all together was too much.

Honestly -- it's his child. Wish them well, and plan something fun for yourself.

OP I don't think it's strange for your DP to holiday with his adult DD but I do think it's strange to book the holiday without telling you.

I don't think it's very 'kind or nice' to tell you you're not invited. If it's a case of your DP just wants to spend quality time with his DD or go somewhere of particular interest to him and her and they don't think it would be your thing, then he needs to tell you that.

I know it's his DD not an ex partner or female friend etc but it doesn't make for a happy relationship if he 'excludes' you in this way when either planning to do things with his DD or actually booking trips.

I would make him aware that you don't have a problem with them going but you're unhappy that you've been excluded until it's all booked.

I think it sounds like you have caused trouble in the relationship between your Dh and dsd in the past and they knew that you would react badly so they kept it quiet to avoid a scene. I took my dd away for a few days after her exam leaving my Dh and other blended family members behind. We loved it and had some really good Mum and daughter time. Just wish them well as jealousy is an ugly emotion. Maybe try to work on your relationship - you sound resentful and dissatisfied, could you plan a break away together?

I don't think there's anything wrong with him having a holiday with his daughter, in fact I think you should encourage him to spend quality time with her.
However, I don't think that's the real issue. The real issue seems to be that you feel dismissed and devalued by him. If this is just in this one area, then I think it can be overlooked, since he's obviously trying hard to develop and maintain and better relationship with his daughter. But if he dismisses you in other areas of your relationship, then that is what you should be looking at.

You’re asking the cool wives club here so expect harsh answers .
If you’re going somewhere nice on holiday , it’s normal to ask your partner if they want to come , regardless of who you’re going with .
That doesn’t mean partners always holiday together - we certainly don’t but we try to accommodate each other and booking trips abroad secretly would be weird .

I'm not sure you can say it wasn't discussed when you also say it was talked about twice before he booked it. And if he only booked it yesterday then he just hasn't got around to telling you yet, although as he's already made it clear it's just between him and his daughter, it wouldn't be top of his list to tell you. I know you say you want to go, but as he'd rather go just with his DD then that's a fruitless line of thought and you should accept it, especially as you couldn't go in Jan if you're having the op anyway. Whether you should be upset with him more generally, if he's disrespectful of you and this is just the latest instance, then that's a bigger thing and maybe you should reconsider the relationship. But with regard to this holiday and the DD, I think it's normal and he just wants the dynamic between the two of them, which is understandable if you have this dim view of him 'dancing to her tune'. Maybe he wants a few days to do that without feeling bad for it.

The hols with his dd isn't the issue and you know that.
The issue is the way he is speaking to you and the way he is treating you.
Like telling you you are a Hindrance, organising a trip for his b’day when he knows you be been trying to organise something for him (and his dd,). And the total lack of communication.

That’s I t normal in good relationhsip.
What else is gong on OP? Do you think he generally isn’t very nice, or isn’t being kind to you?

pink if the OP is having her op in January, at the same time than the surgery, isn’t it normal for her DH to try and ensure that he is there when she has the op?

Whereas he doesn’t seem to care at all if he is away when she will have the op at all. Letting her sort out all the issues coming with that (eg going to the hosp and coming back whilst being unable to drive, cooking for herself etc...).

I also really strongly disagree with posters saying his relationship with DD should come first above your relationship with him.

His DD is an adult now, not a dependant. Of course she will always be his DD and of huge importance in his life BUT my dad always told me and my sisters that my mum and him had each other before we were born and they will still have each other after we've all grown up, left home and are living our own lives. He was right! They've now been married over 50 years and we have all grown up and are now living our own lives.

fraggle you must have read a different OP to me.
I read that the dsd and HER mum were really hard to the OP, incl lots of attacks on social media. NOT the OP.
I also read that the relationhsip with the dsd is now good and thatbthey have done trips together since and it went well.

So I’m at loss as to where you find the jealousy and the OP being difficult to the dsd so she has to be avoided.

@ivehadtochangemyname
my dad always told me and my sisters that my mum and him had each other before we were born and they will still have each other after we've all grown up, left home and are living our own lives. He was right! They've now been married over 50 years and we have all grown up and are now living our own lives.

This is really lovely, and refreshing!!

I hope that when our little shrimp arrives and we build our family that we don't forget ourselves while trying to provide them with the best upbringing we can!

I was never the OW (other woman?). My partner was single when I met him, he had left his ex and moved away. But his ex has never ever got over it, they were never married and they actually never got along, he only stayed with her for the sake of the child which was unplanned. The ex has not had a single relationship since he left her, and has taken every opportunity to get at me since we got together 13/14 years ago, including controlling the way his daughter behaved towards me. As soon as his daughter was old enough to make up her own mind, we became friends, dd and I, not her mother.

trafalgar - neither of us know really do we. For some reason she didn’t see “eye to eye” with step daughter even though she was a small girl of 7 when they met. Then wasn’t allowed near her for 7 or 8 years so either she was acting in a concerning way and dsd’s Mum didn’t want contact or she is lovely really and it’s the behaviour of dsds Mum which is concerning. In my experience people don’t normally launch online vendettas against people unless they are justifiably upset or unstable. Without more information we can’t say for certain - we do know that there is some complicated back story to this. The op definitely sounds jealous of her Dh indulging her dsd and dancing to her tune. Sounds mean to me.

I read it more that she was having an op at some point but didn't have a date, so couldn't be factored into the hol even if they'd wanted her to go. Not that he'd purposely planned to go away at the same time as her op, which I'm not sure has happened. Unless I've missed something, there's just a chance that the two things might overlap, and people don't put their lives on hold on that basis. OP hasn't said she has no back up from other friends or family. I dunno, it's hard to tell when some of the elements (his rudeness) show him in a bad light, while others (her jealousy) show her in a bad light, and then the op is in there as both a reason he shouldn't go anywhere but also a reason she couldn't go anyway. Again I think I'm inclined to say if this is causing such upset, it's part of a bigger problem with the relationship.

my dad always told me and my sisters that my mum and him had each other before we were born and they will still have each other after we've all grown up

not the same situation. Her DP had his daughter before OP came on the scene. Daughter splits her holidays between her parents, who are no longer together.

Dads in these situations don't usual get that much time with their kids as they get older.

The tone of your post suggests that you can be pretty demanding and hard work. You should be happy that your partner has a good relationship with his daughter. Let him go, and don't make some massive issue out of being hurt. Why don't you book some things for you for that week, see friends/family. You will only drive a wedge in your relationship if you make this about you.
Focus on your relationship with your partner in isolation from his daughter; and if going on holiday as a three is something you would genuinely like in the future(not for reasons of control or jealousy), work on your relationship with his daughter.

Trafalgar I have to say even though we are only getting op's PoV and that will tend to favour op I and others also get the impression op is jealous and confrontational re the dsd.

Op has been with the father since the dsd was 7 and even well into teens there were still issues. Op seems reluctant to accept any responsibility for this.

I don't think it was me that caused the issues. When we first got together I was looking forward to welcoming her and being a step mum but I was never allowed to be part of her life. When she was hitting puberty I was allowed to join in, probably the worst time of anyone's life and no matter how much effort I made, I got it wrong.

Someone said about rightly putting his daughter first. Yes when she was younger but as an adult your child can share priority with your partner I definitely do. My issue is not with him actually going away it is what he said to op. Does he think you are a hindrance at other times. No need to say that really .

I think it's perfectly normal and fine for a dad to want to go away with his daughter on their own. (fwiw I took my DD1 away last year just the two of us, when she finished her GCSEs)

But I am sensing a massive back story here

"he drops everything to dance to his daughter's tune but wouldn't ever do the same for me"

What's the rest of your relationship like OP?

I'm just sad that I'm not invited, and that he drops everything to dance to his daughter's tune but wouldn't ever do the same for me

And?

She's his DAUGHTER and will always come first. If you can't handle that don't go out with someone with kids. It's none of your business. You are acting like a typical jealous wicked stepmother.

I don't think it was me that caused the issues. When we first got together I was looking forward to welcoming her and being a step mum

COMPLETELY the wrong attitude

A - you were the adult! Whatever the issues its not for a child to resolve them

B NOT for you to welcome her she was there as part of her fathers life BEFORE you. It was up to you to HOPE she would welcome you into her/their life.

C you do NOT immediately become 'stepmum' that relationship is not up to you, it develops over time with effort initially FROM you

My dds dad is a prize shit! Her stepmum (she's earned that title) was lovely from the beginning, she never expected anything from dd but gave her time, love and effort to first becoming a friend to dd, never undermined me or her dad in terms of discipline or boundaries, listened, calmly dealt with times when dd was not at her best as all children can be, NEVER blamed her for any issues within her relationship with dds dad.

He's army and lives other end of country, back when he wasn't quite such a shit dad he would visit alone as he had more leave than stepmum, or dd would go down to visit a few days early and he'd take extra leave so he and dd had time alone, stepmum NEVER had an issue with this.

When he's been overseas for months stepmum has even had dd visit just go see her half siblings and her. She has no obligation or duty to do any of this.

Sounds like you took the worst approach from the beginning

MN is not representative on topics like this. I've never met anyone who goes on holiday with their grown up child but excludes their partner from going, as opposed to the partner saying from the start they don't want to go. It's not how you should be treating a partner. It's reasonable to expected to be included by default in your partner's holiday plans, unless you specifically agree you're going with other people. That, as pp have said, is fine - but that isn't what's happened here. OP has been deliberately left out.

Agree completely. They've been together for 13 years so surely OP should be included in any holiday plans unless it's been discussed and both parties are happy for that not to be the case.