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Original poster

Is this normal within a relationship?

131 replies

Lacura · 02/11/2017 14:29

Hi everyone.
My partner of 13 years has booked a holiday with his 20 year old daughter. A week away in January to somewhere in Europe. He said he might do this and also said I wasn't invited because I wouldn't enjoy it. I found an email this morning, they booked it yesterday. He hasn't told me yet.
Me and his daughter haven't always seen eye to eye, in fact for the first seven or eight years of our relationship I wasn't allowed anywhere near her because her mother wouldn't hear of it.
Is it normal, to take your 20 year old daughter abroad for a week without your partner?
Also what is concerning me is that I'm due to have a small operation within the next couple of months, he's clearly not taken that into account at all.
I feel so upset, not sure if I've a right to be upset, that's why I'm posting.

OP posts:
cherrycola2004 · 02/11/2017 15:03

Just let him go with his daughter and you book somewhere with a friend or family member. Enjoy yourself Smile

Original poster
Lacura · 02/11/2017 15:05

Why would I be a hindrance? I don't really know. "You take ages to do everything", he said. Not sure what he means by that. I'm not as fit as I was but I found his remarks crass and upsetting.

OP posts:
Cabininthewoods69 · 02/11/2017 15:06

Tell him how you feel the only way with blended families is to talk and share feelings.

QueenInTheNorth26 · 02/11/2017 15:06

I don’t think you should’ve asked again if you were invited, he made it clear that it was just him and dd. Could you maybe ask why he said you’re a hindrance and improve on it?. It’s lovely that he’s his committed to his dd.

Graphista · 02/11/2017 15:07

Crikey! I agree you sound jealous, bitter and intrusive!

Yes my child will ALWAYS come first no matter her age, any partner that didn't accept that would be gone!

Totally normal for them to holiday together and frankly I totally understand why you're not welcome Hmm

AshleySilver · 02/11/2017 15:09

Going on holiday with daughter = normal

Calling you a hindrance = not nice

IrritatedUser1960 · 02/11/2017 15:11

it is perfectly normal, I've often wanted me time just me and my adult son, to get away from his girlfriend who tends to take over everything and my husband (when I was married) and just revert to us and our private jokes.
However your partner, like most men, has handled it badly and crassly with no proper communication. You need to tell him that this is the case and say you were upset to be excluded from this decision.
Communication is everything in a relationship and sadly it is normally up to us to sort that out.

mummyretired · 02/11/2017 15:15

I think a lot depends on your lifestyle, if you have multiple holidays abroad and usually go together then yes it could be normal for him to have a short break with his daughter. OTOH, if you save for one holiday per year and your husband is choosing to go with his daughter but not giving you the opportunity to holiday without him I think that's unreasonable.

Would you actually want to go on holiday with his daughter or are you just hurt not have been asked?

hellsbellsmelons · 02/11/2017 15:18

We used to do a family holiday with my mum and dad without partners
So totally normal to me.
And we did this until a few years ago and I was 45!
I will also be going away with my DD next year and she'll be 20.
A nice girlie holiday.

harlandgoddard · 02/11/2017 15:18

It’s good for parents to do things one on one with their children, but it’s weird to say it’s because you wouldn’t enjoy it? Is that true? Why couldn’t he just say he’d like it to be just the two of them?

Original poster
Lacura · 02/11/2017 15:19

I really would have like to have gone. We have had some happy times together, all three of us. I have been trying to arrange something for the three of us for his birthday early next year, which he keeps insisting that he doesn't want to celebrate, then he goes and books this, saying that he could tie it in as part of his birthday.

OP posts:
Cabininthewoods69 · 02/11/2017 15:19

And to be honest i would be wondering why he was still with me if im that bad i would ruin a holiday

RatherBeRiding · 02/11/2017 15:21

It's perfectly normal, and actually very nice that he and his daughter are holidaying together.

What isn't very nice is telling you you'd be a hindrance. Could this have been said jokily, or was he miffed because he felt your disapproval of his holiday plans?

As for the small operation - well, how small is it? If you've not been given a date for it, it's a tad unreasonable to expect him to put his plans on hold for something that might, or might not, clash. Will the op mean you are incapacitated or will need additional help getting around?

IrritatedUser1960 · 02/11/2017 15:22

Don't be daft Lacura, do you have any kids of your own?
Of course he wants to be with you he just wants some time alone with his daughter.
That is perfectly normal.

Cabininthewoods69 · 02/11/2017 15:23

What an awful situation if you had been trying to sort something for all 3 of you and then they sort for just those two. Let them go and dont even mention it. Dont bother with his bday if he doesnt want to share it with you leave him be. And enjoy the peace and quiet

harlandgoddard · 02/11/2017 15:24

It sounds like his daughter still doesn’t want you around and he doesn’t want to tell you.

Why would he call you a hindrance? If he doesn’t want you there so he can spend some quality time with his daughter, that’s absolutely fine but if he just doesn’t want to be around you then that’s not fine.

Original poster
Lacura · 02/11/2017 15:25

It's a shoulder operation, I've got another consultation / pre-op appointment next week so it's looking likely it won't be months and months away.

OP posts:
EastDulwichWife · 02/11/2017 15:26

I would love it if my dad offered to take me on holiday. What a nice man. Can't you be happy for them?

Also, if you have a "small operation" coming up, are you going to need round the clock care in 3 months time? You sound a little jealous.

littlebird77 · 02/11/2017 15:26

I think the issue is with your relationship not with the holiday with his dd.

Clearly you feel you are second best to his dd (and you probably are as most fathers do prioritise their children over newer relationships) and it sounds like you feel he doesn't respect you.

I would agree, I don't think he does, calling you a hindrance and booking a holiday without even talking it through with you is disrespectful. I would be hurt too.

I would be questioning if this was a good relationship to be in to be honest, nothing to do with the holiday and everything to do with his manner and trust issues.

MsHarry · 02/11/2017 15:27

its normal to want to take a holiday with your daughter at any age and without your partner. It's not normal to not tell you.

Notreallyarsed · 02/11/2017 15:29

Hindrance could be in relation to your attitude rather than physical capabilities OP. If you’ve been as sour about it with him or other times he’s spent with his DD as you have on here, I can see why he said it. You clearly, despite protestations, have an issue with his daughter, so maybe they wanted a bit of time together without you. It’s not wrong.

Ropsleybunny · 02/11/2017 15:29

It's normal for him and his daughter to have a holiday together. Absolutely correct!

It's weird to book it (or any type of holiday) without telling your partner of 13 years though, in my opinion

When you look at how she's reacted, you can see why he's reluctant to tell her.

TheNaze73 · 02/11/2017 15:30

Quite rightly, his children are his number one priority

nobutreally · 02/11/2017 15:30

Going on holiday with a 20 year old (so potentially still at uni, or certainly only a few years into the job market) - pretty normal
Not discussing it with your partner before booking ("hey, I thought I'd take x to y - good chance for us to catch up and for her to have some down time" etc) - not normal
Feeling your partner shouldn't go on away at any point as you'll have a minor procedure in the next few months - not normal
Telling your partner they are not invited for negative reasons - not nice
Describing your partner as 'dropping everything to dance to his daughter's tune' - not nice

So, a draw, I'd say.

LushBlitzer · 02/11/2017 15:31

Whilst it's normal to take a holiday with a child/children without the other partner, it's not normal to:

  1. call you a hindrance... not nice
  2. be secretive about it and not discuss it

You say you've been together for 13 years, so it's not really a 'new' relationship anymore. I think he should have discussed/explained his motivations to you first so you didn't find out from a print-out.

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