Is this normal within a relationship?

[Lacura]

Hi everyone.
My partner of 13 years has booked a holiday with his 20 year old daughter. A week away in January to somewhere in Europe. He said he might do this and also said I wasn't invited because I wouldn't enjoy it. I found an email this morning, they booked it yesterday. He hasn't told me yet.
Me and his daughter haven't always seen eye to eye, in fact for the first seven or eight years of our relationship I wasn't allowed anywhere near her because her mother wouldn't hear of it.
Is it normal, to take your 20 year old daughter abroad for a week without your partner?
Also what is concerning me is that I'm due to have a small operation within the next couple of months, he's clearly not taken that into account at all.
I feel so upset, not sure if I've a right to be upset, that's why I'm posting.

[Ohyesiam]

It's not what he's done, it s the way he's done it.
I mean this gently op, but was he thinking of your reaction when he booked without mentioning .

[Lacura]

Graphista, I think you'd have an issue with anything I post, to be honest.

[Graphista]

I'm responding based on your posts.

Not a step parent hater as my dd has a lovely step mum as do quite a few friends and relatives have lovely amazing step parents

[Lacura]

When I said welcoming her... we live in my house. What was I meant to do, sit there and ignore her?

[Graphista]

When we first got together I was looking forward to welcoming her and being a step mum but I was never allowed to be part of her life

That was the sentence, that reads to me like welcoming her into your life.

So I don't make any more assumptions, was the first time you met her in your home?

[MsGameandWatching]

Sounds like ex is still pulling his strings. And I wouldn't be happy about that.

No it doesn't. It sounds like he just wants to spend time alone with his daughter without having to referee between her and OP.

[Lacura]

I can't remember where we first met to be honest, we took her pony riding and had a lovely day when she was a little girl but her mother freaked out big style even though she knew it was going to happen. After that, I was excluded for years. I felt sorry that she had missed out on having happy times with her dad and me, and yes, they would have been normal, happy times. And yes, maybe I have got issues but who wouldn't, being treated like an outcast for most of the time, when I have never done anything wrong? My previous partner had 3 teenagers and we were like one big family, it was brilliant.

[Lacura]

I don't know why he would want to referee between me and his daughter, we are fine together.

[Fragglewump]

You can’t remember where you first met? I can remember discussing it to make sure the dsc’s were comfortable and so I went to their house as I met them before we bought a home together.

[Fragglewump]

Op if you are fine together why do you think he has booked a holiday which you may or may not has discussed first and not told you about it? Something is wrong here. Are you happy in your relationship?

[Graphista]

Yea not sure I'm buying 'I don't remember' either.

Dd met her stepmum first time at a soft play place.

What happened re dsd seeing her dad in the time when you were not seeing her?

[Lacura]

I don't remember because I am 56 years old and my memory really isn't what it was, thank you menopause. I also knew the 'couple' before they split up so I had met the daughter before, when she was much younger. Some very very judgemental people on here, aren't there?
Dad saw daughter once a month as they lived 500 miles apart. He either went to stay with his ex or they met half way. Then he started staying at a B&B near the ex's house because he felt it wasn't appropriate to stay in their house.

[Lacura]

Just to thank you all for your replies, I have to be away from the computer for a few hours but will catch up later. Just so nobody thinks I have flounced, lol.

[Primaryteach87]

Normal to go on holiday with children/adult or otherwise. Not normal not to discuss timing to minimise any impact.

FWIW, we’ve both been away with our kids without the other and we are happily married. So the step aspect is probably not critical here.

[timeisnotaline]

Fine for them to holiday alone, but the hindrance comment combined with the birthday would hurt me. I'd tell him you've tried to organise
Something and he's been very disinterested, now suddenly he is saying this holiday you aren't on is for his birthday and you're not impressed. You will leave it to him to organise something for his birthday, if the only thing he comes up with is a holiday without you it would be very unkind and you will take a clear message from it.

[Charley50]

Lacura - I have been in an almost identical situation to you where DPs ex didn't allow contact with his DD at our house for many many years.
It was nothing to do with me and everything to do with the ex needing control and DP being weak and going along with her for an easy life. Is your DP similarly weak?

I agree with PPs saying that the ways he's gone about it and the nasty words he's used to exclude you are the problem. Very mean.

[fizzthecat1]

OP the daughter probably just wanted a holiday with her Dad, nothing wrong with that, you and her don't seem that close so why would she want her holiday with you? Or maybe she'd feel like a third wheel with the two of you?

[Cabininthewoods69]

I feel your getting rather a negative response instead of support here. These step child threads are always the same. Kids do come first thats a given but surly a partner should come first at times and should always be considered its basic respect and should be taught to children. Not saying this situation is wrong. Just felt a harsh tone reading through the thread

[CoyoteCafe]

"My partner was single when I met him, he had left his ex and moved away"

"I also knew the 'couple' before they split up so I had met the daughter before, when she was much younger"

How are both of these true statements?

[Reflexella]

Yes it’s normal for him and daughter to go on holiday together without you.

However he should communicate this in a better way - unpleasant to call you a hindrance

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

First up, you are not married? So you are not a stepmother, you are her father's girlfriend.
You said the trip was booked without you knowing then you said it had been talked about numerous times in the past couple of weeks so YOU WERE AWARE it was going to be booked.

You wanted to be part of her life but have you ever considered she may not want another adult in her life who she is forced/expected to get on with?

As for her father 'dancing to her tune', frankly that makes you sound very bitter and jealous. He is her FATHER, so naturally his children will be the most important in his life!

I would have loved the opportunity to go away with my dad, just the 2 of us, without having to consider his girlfriends wants or needs. A father spending time with his kids should be encouraged.

You do come across as plain jealous and if this is your attitude to him and the life he had before you I can see quite clearly why he wouldn't want you there. If a partner of mine had a problem with me and dd going away together he wouldn't be my partner for very long.

[greendale17]

OP you will always come second to his daughter. To be honest I wouldn’t expect anything less.

If you can’t live with that fact it is time to move on.

[Lacura]

Coyote cafe... why are you questioning those facts? Why do you think they are not true? There really isn't the space on these posts to give you the entire back story.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Op there are clearly issues here apart from this holiday.** And separate from your dsd

I’ve asked before but I’ll ask again, what’s the rest of your relationship like? Is he generally warm and loving and supportive of you?