Is this normal within a relationship?

[Lacura]

Hi everyone.
My partner of 13 years has booked a holiday with his 20 year old daughter. A week away in January to somewhere in Europe. He said he might do this and also said I wasn't invited because I wouldn't enjoy it. I found an email this morning, they booked it yesterday. He hasn't told me yet.
Me and his daughter haven't always seen eye to eye, in fact for the first seven or eight years of our relationship I wasn't allowed anywhere near her because her mother wouldn't hear of it.
Is it normal, to take your 20 year old daughter abroad for a week without your partner?
Also what is concerning me is that I'm due to have a small operation within the next couple of months, he's clearly not taken that into account at all.
I feel so upset, not sure if I've a right to be upset, that's why I'm posting.

[Lacura]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I still feel sad that I have been excluded yet again but I am just going to have to suck it up. I am not sulking or behaving badly, maybe he will bring me a present back. Lol.

[Thymeout]

He did tell Op that he was thinking of arranging a trip with his dd, before he actually booked it. Isn't it possible that the reaction he got might have provoked him to reply a bit brusquely? Op doesn't sound as if she was willing to take No for an answer. She also sounds jealous of the time dp spends alone with his daughter.

Father-daughter holidays are a regular routine. Given the hostility of his ex, this is a minor miracle. They like more active holidays than Op can cope with. They wouldn't be able to do as much if she were there.

Op - you've obviously had a rough time with the dsd in the past. I think the times when you had to take second place are colouring your view of this situation. Unfortunately, even if you and dsd are now on civil terms, you may have to accept that you can't re-wind time and they'd rather continue having holidays on their own. There's nothing to stop you and dp having an exciting holiday as a couple to celebrate his birthday together. Making an issue of this is going to damage your relationship with dp and make that a less likely outcome.

[AlonsosLeftPinky]

There's nothing at all wrong with a parent wishing to take a holiday with their adult child, just them.

There's everything wrong with being jealous of it, acting like you're entitled to go and making horrid statements about him dancing to his daughter's tune. Never mind the fact that he probably had booked it because it's something he wants to do.

Being in a relationship with someone, for however long, doesn't give you an entitlement to every ounce of their being.

[ALittleBitConfused1]

Perhaps his you wpuldnt enhjoy it was just a way of saying I don't want you to come gently. Or maybe his daughter has asked for some time alone with him and he doesn't want to upset you. Maybe he's just an arsehole. Only you can answer that one.
But if finances are not an issue then my answer would be no, there's absolutely nothing wrong with going away without your partner.
I would completely expect to be able to enjoy a holiday with my crown up child alone and wouldn't have a problem with it the other way round. I would have an issue with my partner telling me I couldn't go though.

[DarklyDreamingDexter]

I don't understand why you are getting such a hard time here. Sure, there is no problem with a man wanting to take his child on holiday, but the way he has done it is way off. No wonder you are upset.

If he'd said upfront 'I'd like to to take DD away on holiday for a bit of father/daughter bonding time, just the two of us.' I think that would be fair enough. But to book it first without any mention, then say you can't come cos you wouldn't like it, then say you'd be a hinderance....I'd be bloody pissed off too.

Under the circumstances, I echo what previous poster said about treating yourself to a nice holiday at the same time (better still, get him to pay for it) and sod his birthday.

[butterfly56]

Spending time wth his daughter as you have explained OP is absolutely fine. Him being an arse about it by telling you you are not welcome well that's just bang out of order.
I would book a lovely holiday for yourself and sod him and his birthday!
Put yourself first for once as this guy seems intent on trying to put you down with his snide digs at you.
Time for you to think of yourself instead of your selfish DP

[Thymeout]

You can't create a blended family out of individuals who don't want to be blended. From what you've said, neither your partner nor his daughter want a blended family. This may well have been due to the attitude of his ex, but the situation now is as it is.

Your dp enjoys holidays with his dd and vv. Taking you along as well would obviously be a totally different dynamic. My parents were married for over 50 years. My best memories of my father were the days when he took me out and we went all over London together. My mother stayed at home doing her own thing, because she said that if she were there my father would end up talking to her all the time. We had family days out too, but they were different.

I don't think you should be hurt by this. It seems perfectly normal to me that they would have a better time on their own. Just as you and your dp would have a better time on holiday as a couple. If you think you wouldn't, then there really is a problem in your relationship. You are coming across as jealous and possessive and I can understand why your dp isn't keeping you up to date with every move.

[Charley50]

Lacura - has your DP acknowledged at all why you might be upset?

[NotDavidTennant]

As you're discovering, OP, step-parents can do no right on MN. Sorry that you've been treated bit a shittily by your DP, and that you've been given such a hard time on here as well.

[Cabininthewoods69]

Lots of people thinking children from previous relationships must be treated like golddust. And daddys new woman is a evil witch and selfish as well as chikdish. Needless to say just others unresolved daddy issues.

[Lacura]

Sorry.. Charley50

[Lacura]

Thanks Charlie. I felt a bit like an outcast in here tbh, as I am neither mum, step mum or wife. Although his daughter has told me she refers to me as step mum and wishes her mother had never 'poisoned' her against me.

[Charley50]

And of course there is nothing wrong with dad and daughter going away, but did anyone read the post where OP said she had tried to organize a special holiday already for his birthday for the three of them, and he said he didn't need a holiday.
I think he sounds really selfish, OP.

[Charley50]

I think if you were her 'actual' mum, but had posted the same thing, everyone would have said what a selfish dick your DP is being, but because you've 'only' been his partner for a 'mere' 13 years; you aren't allowed feelings or consideration and 'daddy daughter special time' trumps anything else.

[Lacura]

An insensitive knob sometimes, loving other times. Likes to be in control but doesn't always manage it. But then so do I.

[BitOutOfPractice]

OP you still won't tell us what the rest of your relationship is like. You've hinted darkly a few times. But is he generally lovely. Or a bit of a knob TO YOU. Take the DSD out of the equation, and this holiday,, and give us a clue of what he's usually like

[FrustratedTeddyLamp]

* MN is not representative on topics like this*

I think MN isn’t representative of like 90% of topics but I reckon people only find it representative when it suited them

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

So they have had 'many trips away camping and city breaks over the years'. This is a regular thing thing for them to do then

[MsHarry]

Just reread, but you are jealous of this trip and that is not the issue.

[MsHarry]

The way I have been excluded has upset me, not so much the fact that the two of them are going away together.

YABU. It's lovely that they want to spend time together. You're missing the point. You shouldn't be jealous of his daughter. You should be cross at how he is treating you by not consulting you first. I find that odd.

[Lacura]

He says it won't be my cup of tea... walking, hiking... despite the fact that we go skiing, for some reason he decided for me that I wouldn't want to go. The way I have been excluded has upset me, not so much the fact that the two of them are going away together. They have had many many trips away camping and city breaks over the years but this is going to be a wonderful trip abroad and I am sad not to have been invited.

[MsHarry]

But. he definitely should have discussed and check it was convenient before booking.

[MsHarry]

When I see my sister alone it is different than when I see her with her partner. Sometimes you need 1:1 time, especially father and daughter.

[Cabininthewoods69]

I cant believe some people on here. I understand where your coming from and we would go on holiday as a family and no one is left behind. We are also proud of the fact we are so inclusive as a blended family. I wouldnt like to be the one left behind either. At least you have spoken about it now thats good. Has he explained any further as to why your not invited

[MsHarry]