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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone ever forgiven an affair?

228 replies

queencerulean · 01/11/2017 22:06

Just that really. Has anyone taken back their dh after they’ve had an affair? And if you have, have you ever really forgiven them or trust them again?

It’s very early days since I found out he’d had an affair so I’m not about to rush into any decisions at all. Right now I haven’t got the emotional strength to go through all the details on here but he seems genuinely sorry and is begging that we talk it through in counselling.

Obviously I’ve told him that we won’t talk until I’m ready but however much I believe that he’s sorry, my instinct is to walk away.

I guess I’m just after perspectives of whether people have tried to work it out, come through stronger or tried and realised that it was just too big a thing to work through.

OP posts:
FrancesDestroyed · 11/11/2017 21:10

I can't pm Sandy, we have a shared e-mail account that I joined Mumsnet on about 10 years ago.
He genuinely does seem sorry now. He admits that he's embarrassed by what he's done. But when does this depression stage go? It's crippling.

User452734838 · 11/11/2017 21:27

Frances, when it is having such a profound effect on your health and mental state, why are you still there? Especially after he continues and recorded the song? Is he really worth it?

SandyY2K · 11/11/2017 21:40

Frances... your story is so sad. Betraying your spouse while they are going through such a serious illness and need your support is lower than low.

Words are easy to say. It's easy to say you're embarrassed....but really what consequences has he faced.

He treated you so badly... does he have your back? ...and as for a woman who sleeps with a MM while his wife is suffering from cancer... I have no words.

I know you've already gone through so much and want to believe he's sorry. If you didn't find out...sounds look they'd still be together.

It doesn't sound like her husband knows ... so it's easy to get back in the affair... assuming it ended.

CoyoteCafe · 12/11/2017 00:28

Frances, does leaving your marriage feel like an option? It sounds like your marriage is making you ill.

You deserve so much in life. You deserve to be happy, to feel safe, and to have people in your life who care about you and are kind to you. It's all possible, even though it is true right now. It can be in the future.

RosyWelshcakes · 12/11/2017 01:58

Frances there are a few women posting on MN who’s partners betrayed them while they were ill. Perhaps if you started a thread specific to it they’ll see it and reply to you.

Also, your depression. One of my deciding factors for getting out of my lifelong marriage was the fact I needed anti depressants to be able to stay in it. But here I am 4 years later and 60 years old in great mental and emotional health and I haven’t taken medication for 3.5 years.

I hope you find some peace of heart and mind soon

Animation86 · 12/11/2017 10:01

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I’m a week away from the year anniversary of discovering my husbands affair. Honestly life have never been the same again and it still feels almost as raw.

It’s been a year of counselling , CBT, marriage counselling, a suicide attempt, then my dad and Gran dying. It’s just simply been horrific.

But every day I have more ups than downs. And a very good counsellor helping me see some light. I don’t consider us married now, and that hurts massively, it makes me cry as I write this.

Original poster
queencerulean · 13/11/2017 16:10

frances and animation I’m so sorry you’re both having such horrific times. This is horrific enough anyway without the added extras.

As for me, I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. But I’m ok with that as it’s only been 3 weeks. Feels like a sodding lifetime though. We’re still talking. Lots. He feels dreadful at hurting me and the kids so badly ( as he should), he wants to make amends, he’ll even buy me new rings and renew vows. He says he made the biggest mistake of his life. Was it just a mistake though. Once would be be a mistake. But continuing for months and lying. Is that a mistake?

How do you ever get to the point where you know what to do? I’ve had moments of clarity where divorce seems the path to take but having visited a solicitor today it’s all so scary. I know that’s not a reason to not do it but I need to be 100% sure. But equally I need to 100% sure to let him back in my life.

I know there’s no rush but I’m getting impatient with myself for being no nearer a decision. I know I need to be kinder to myself as it’s all still so raw.

I let him hug me last night as I was sobbing which is a step forward as I usually recoil if he tries to comfort me. But I can’t ever imagine wanting to shag him again after what he’s done.

OP posts:
threeandmeandthedog · 13/11/2017 16:25

Oh Queen, it's bloody tough, and you're right, you need to give yourself time. Three weeks is nothing, maybe set yourself a time frame, I've kind of got three months in my head at the moment.
Just to see if H's actions match up to his words and whether he means what he says. I am still so fucking angry/ sad that I think making a decision one way or the other is impossible.
How are you doing? Have you managed to have some time with friends/ family and wine? That's helped me .
Anyway sending you hugs and Wine, it's all a load of shit but it will get better.

Rudgie47 · 13/11/2017 16:32

They all do it, if they get the chance, thats the reality I think. I can honestly say that I've only ever known one man who hasnt cheated on his wife/partner.
I honestly think people are just better off seeing someone and when its time to move on then so be it.
OP he will do it again I think because once a cheater always a cheater. He will be feeding you all sorts of bullshit just to stay within the home.I think you deserve better than worrying all the time in the future what hes upto.

SandyY2K · 13/11/2017 18:20

Give yourself time Queen. Is did hard when the trust is no longer there.

It's so very difficult to reconcile even you are so angry.

Especially knowing this was pretty much a forced confession.

He was enjoying the affair...boasting about it.... I take it he wasn't asking his best friend how to get out of it ... or struggling with guilt from cheating on you.

If you file on the grounds of infidelity..it has to be within 6 months of discovery.

Original poster
queencerulean · 13/11/2017 20:02

Oh sandy, you’re so right. Part of me is so desperate to believe him and his remorse that it’s easy to forget just how badly he’s behaved.

I met some friends at the weekend. Historically his but obviously over the years have become mutual. I had to listen to them tell me how sorry he was, how they need to look after me blah blah. Of course, they knew he’d been unfaithful but when I told them the extent they seemed shocked. I guess he’s minimised his behaviour to most people. He goes round telling everyone how sorry he is and of course people feel sorry for him.

I’m never going to be able to forgive, am I?

OP posts:
Original poster
queencerulean · 13/11/2017 20:03

three hugs to you too.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/11/2017 20:17

Not if he still can’t be honest about it. FFS.

CoyoteCafe · 13/11/2017 20:53

it’s only been 3 weeks. Feels like a sodding lifetime though

Time is completely after finding out.

Why did you meet with the friends? Did they contact you? Did he recruit them to try to get you to forgive him?

A week ago he was trying to send the OW messages through work colleagues, and I wonder if he is now trying to send you messages. It seems odd to me that he is putting so much energy into managing other people. Manipulative.

Although all you've talked about with the marriage is the affair, what else was he like as a husband back before this? Was he controlling at all? Manipulative?

ConstantStruggler · 13/11/2017 22:17

Queen. Don't let him fool you into confusing remorse and regret. If he's really sorry for hurting you he would talk to you and try and convince you rather than having his friends do it for him.

Original poster
queencerulean · 13/11/2017 22:20

The reason I met them was because it had been a longstanding arrangement. Lunch and spa. I went because I thought it would do me good. I probably shouldn’t have.

As for the marriage before the affair it was fine. The last few months weren’t great, I was menopausal and had horrific mood swings but I thought once I’d started hrt that things were ok. He’s never been manipulative, never been controlling. We had disagreements of course, doesn’t everyone, but we were best friends (or so I thought), respected each other, loved each other. Life was busy-3 kids and his busy job-but we had couple time, we had family time, we had sex. I don’t understand how it all meant so little to him

OP posts:
Original poster
queencerulean · 13/11/2017 22:22

cobstant he is talking to me. He’s desperate to make me realise how sorry he is, desperate to make amends. But as someone said, a month ago he was still with her.

OP posts:
PerfectlyDone · 13/11/2017 22:24

I don’t understand how it all meant so little to him

You and me both - that is what I cannot begin to understand.
And I think it might come back to bite him in the bum, what he's lost.

Unmet needs?? Yes, some, but define 'need'. IME, what was unmet were his wants, rather than needs, and no regard was given to my unmet needs or wants.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/11/2017 22:25

How long did it go on for? It seems to have been pretty public given they’re both married? Who “ended” it and why?

Original poster
queencerulean · 13/11/2017 22:27

It ended because her husband found out

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/11/2017 22:36

But he told you he’d ended it? Hmm

User452734838 · 13/11/2017 22:39

Don't he taken in by him. All part of the cheaters script

ConstantStruggler · 13/11/2017 22:54

... he is talking to me. He’s desperate to make me realise how sorry he is, desperate to make amends.
Is he talking or just saying what he thinks you want to hear?
Let me guess. You are his constant. His sure, safe haven. The one who deals with things. Who takes care of his kids. Who quite easily (sorry! ) was tricked into maintaining the homebase.
Well he'd be absolutely mad to let you go. I fear what he's done so far, is trickle truth you. Give you tiny pieces of the puzzle. Just enough to keep you quiet. Always accompanied by tears if it seems like you are getting slightly "uncooperative". the two nights overnight? telling his mum only? More of these things will come out.
It sucks! Do I know what to do? No. Unfortunately I am six months down the same line. But what works is to tell them "here and no further". Ask for a timeline. To end things; either with her or with you.

ConstantStruggler · 13/11/2017 22:58

I know it's not easy. You still love him and your whole body is screaming and aching for him; probably.
But this is exactly what he is counting on.

CoyoteCafe · 14/11/2017 03:25

He works with her, right? Is in staying in his same job or looking for a new one? What is his plan for conferences in the future? Can he just not go to one again? Only go if you are going to?

Has he suggested anything about how you might ever trust him again? Besides the blubbering about how much he messed up, has he come up with any suggestions of actual things he could do or change in his life?

I can see why you are really torn -- it sounds like you guys had a good marriage before his affair, and there is something about being in a family with the father of your children. None the less, the degree to which he lied and lied and then trickle truthed (which is really more lying) would make it very hard to believe anything he said in the future.