Has anyone ever forgiven an affair?

[queencerulean]

Just that really. Has anyone taken back their dh after they’ve had an affair? And if you have, have you ever really forgiven them or trust them again?

It’s very early days since I found out he’d had an affair so I’m not about to rush into any decisions at all. Right now I haven’t got the emotional strength to go through all the details on here but he seems genuinely sorry and is begging that we talk it through in counselling.

Obviously I’ve told him that we won’t talk until I’m ready but however much I believe that he’s sorry, my instinct is to walk away.

I guess I’m just after perspectives of whether people have tried to work it out, come through stronger or tried and realised that it was just too big a thing to work through.

[queencerulean]

Who wants to know the next bit in the saga? Honestly, I have to keep laughing otherwise id break down and weep and never stop.

Ive done more detective work today. Messaged his best friend and found out he told him back in August whilst he was staying here. 2 fucking months before he told me. Bastard.

He then let me know that OW had texted him today but that he deleted the text without reading it. Think he thought he was really great for telling me. I assumed that she’d contacted him to let him know that I’d attempted to contact her through Twitter.

Anyway, I then messaged her husband through Facebook to say she’d contacted him. He’s been great actually and called me to say that he knew she’d texted him as he was there when she did it. It wasn’t because of Twitter (apparently she no longer uses her account) but because my h had been trying to get his colleagues I.e. her friends to warn her that I’d gone through his Facebook stuff. Her message to him basically said to stop making it awkward between colleagues and putting them in a difficult position.

I obviously went ballistic although remained v v calm which freaked him out when I called him to tell him it’s definitely over as he’s lied and omitted the truth on several occasions over the past 2 weeks since promising to become a new person, change, make amends blah blah. So. I’m going to the counsellor mainly to get it out the way. But I truly can see no way back. He’s utterly broken and admitted he’s fucked everything up ( no shit, Sherlock) and that he’s continuously panicked and behaved badly. He’s begging me to help him.

I apologise it’s all reading like a soap opera. I really wish it wasn’t. Weirdly I’m feeling ok at the moment, mainly because I’m having a moment of clarity about what a selfish arse he is. I’m sure I’ll be broken again after counselling though.

Is it ok to have a cheeky gin before a counselling session?

[threeandmeandthedog]

What a total shit Queen.
Wishing you all the best for this evening, you sound very calm and dignified given the circumstances.

[SandyY2K]

He's really messed it up. It's all on him. This doesn't strike me as it was a voluntary confession ... her husband was onto them.

Sometimes you get a sense of calm when you make a decision.

He's broken trust completely unfortunately.

[CoyoteCafe]

Agreed. Her husband figured it out, and OW is trying to make her marriage work. It sounds like your husband figured that his best chance at staying married to you was you hearing it from him (with perhaps some spin) rather than from OW's husband.

On the bright side, he's gone from having both a wife and girlfriend to being alone in the space of a few days / week or two. Now he has no one.

Also, if he was talking to colleagues, how many other people knew about this? Everyone they work with? Yuck.

[OldPony]

All I can say is take care darling and remember the pain will stop one day I promise

[Pebbles16]

I did. 11 years from the affair but less time from the recovery.
And I have to say, in my head, there are little punctuations of pain.
Having said that. I love him dearly. We've both done a lot of work (Coda was vital to me) and we have an 80% happy life. The 20% is not down to his affair. Just life stuff. The temptation after the affair is that they have to fix everything. But that's not realistic because there is other stuff beyond "the affair"

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

Sounds like it’s time for a talk with OW’s husband (or even her, if you can bear it). I’d need to know the exact details even if I wasn’t staying and your H clearly isn’t committed to transparency even though apparently half the fucking world knows

[RedForFilth]

Oh Queen I really feel for you. I forgave (had a 3 week old at the time and was still recovering and very scared). He did it again when our son was 18 months old so we split. I wasn't around him long enough to even ask for details the second time! I wish I'd have left the first time tbh.
Now over a year since we split and I'm much happier than I've ever been! Becoming a single parent has been the making of me and I'm such a different person for the better. So don't think your life is over, it's just beginning!

Your husband sounds awful. Totally selfish, trying to get his friends to "warn" her so basically putting protecting himself and her over your needs and feelings. He's not treating you as his priority even now! Counselling for yourself sounds good. I wish I'd have had some but I can't get childcare to enable me to do so.

Obviously the decision of staying or leaving is yours to make. But I think the best thing you can do is leave and forge a really great co parenting relationship. You're worth so much more than how he has and is continuing to treat you. You deserve a happy life, not a life full of lies and mistrust. Whatever you decide I really wish you the best of luck.

[user21]

Queen
I’m worried that the opinions and experiences of others will force you into making a decision that could be the wrong one for you.
Only you can’t decide on the right decision and that will take time. This is too raw at the moment for anyone to think rationally.

Making no decision is an option for now

[revengeongc]

"Making no decision is an option for now"

^^ This. Take some time to call on friends, read up on stuff, take care of yourself.

[queencerulean]

Thank you all.
In my mind it is over.
The level of deception just too much to recover from.

I know everything. Or rather I think I do but if there’s anything else it doesn’t matter anymore. There were 2 overnight stays with her before he went to conferences. It just takes the level of betrayal to new depths. That level of intimacy and it not being just a quick shag.

The sexual relationship was over but yet he still met her for coffee the day before he told me. In his mind because they’d ended the physical side, it was over. He cannot make the connection that it wasn’t over, the emotions were still there. Even the bloody counsellor could see that.

My head feels a lot clearer. I know what I need to know and I can make an informed decision. I love him but the honesty and respect have gone. There is no coming back.

I’m not going to rush ahead with divorce. I need to get some energy for that so will sort it in the new year. I also need to let my anger dissipate and then we will possibly go back to counselling to try to forge a relationship to be effective parents and go down the mediation route to put formal plans in place. All that can wait though. I just need time to recover from thus hideous trauma. I know the recovery will go on for months/years or be never ending but I need the initial healing to begin.

Thank you so much for your support.

[queencerulean]

This morning I feel physically sick. I can’t believe this is happening.

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

It will get better. I can guarantee that. It must just be so hard to take this in.

I have been there. I know it feels awful.

One day at a time.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It's a truly horrific time.
It really is. We can't make it go away or shut it out, no matter how hard we try.
You are right. It will take a long time.
Even now, when I write about my experience, I get teary just remembering what I went through... what he put me through.
The literal heartbreak and pain.
And I'm 8 years on.
Take your time. Do it all when you are ready.

[threeandmeandthedog]

Oh Queen, it's awful, I'm so sorry. Am hand holding and also sat in floods of tears on the sofa xxx

[queencerulean]

Oh three I’ll hold your hand. I haven’t cried yet today although I’m sure it will happen at some point. Love to you.

[threeandmeandthedog]

How are your kids doing Queen? I need to get H to move out and the thought of telling them is killing me.

[Amber0685]

One day at a time. You have been so dignified and strong throughout all of this. Best wishes to you and your dc.

[SandyY2K]

I'm so sorry for all your pain. It's heartbreaking.

[Thebluedog]

I tried for 3 years to forgive, couldn’t do it and we divorced. IMO once the trust has gone and they’ve lied there’s no going back

[queencerulean]

three the kids are pretty broken still but surviving. I can’t remember whether I said in my OP but he panicked once he had told me and then blurted out to them that he’d been having an affair. Way to go! 12yo understands what an affair means, had to explain to 6yo that daddy had a girlfriend which isn’t a nice thing to do when you’re married and 10yo is completely confused why the man he idolises has caused so much hurt.

[threeandmeandthedog]

Oh Queen, that sounds hard. Mine are 10,8 and 6 and I know we are about to shatter thier world. Well he is, the selfish bastard.

[threeandmeandthedog]

Why can't they at least put thier bloody children first? Insecure wankers. It makes me so cross.

Anyway, keep on keeping on queen, I send you virtual x

[whatabreakthrough]

I would never be able to get past the fact he only chose to stay with me because the affair was discovered.
Affairs only end when they've been discovered. Very rarely before.
That says a lot.

Same with the ''Im sorry it happened''
They're only sorry after the affair has been exposed.
They're rarely sorry while the affair is ongoing.
TWhen you think about it, hey've only finished with the OW because their hand was forced.

And how do you know they're not still thinking about her every time you have sex? and possibly comparing
You can never get inside their heads and know what they're really thinking.

I would never get over it.
They will have destroyed so many memories as well.

[whatabreakthrough]

Disovering that They'd stayedovernight, before conferences, would sign the death sentence on the marriage for me.
If it were a one night stand or a few gropes, I could get maybe forgive, eventually.
But there's a cold, calculated level of planning that goes into arranging hotel stays and buying gifts etc.
A man who goes too those lengths to have an affair doesn't love his wife.
that's not a ''moment of madness/I'm sorry'' scenario.
that's ''I'm so in love/lust with her that I have gone to all those lengths, for all that time''scenario.
It's a whole other level of cheating and imo is unforgivable.