Has anyone ever forgiven an affair?

[queencerulean]

Just that really. Has anyone taken back their dh after they’ve had an affair? And if you have, have you ever really forgiven them or trust them again?

It’s very early days since I found out he’d had an affair so I’m not about to rush into any decisions at all. Right now I haven’t got the emotional strength to go through all the details on here but he seems genuinely sorry and is begging that we talk it through in counselling.

Obviously I’ve told him that we won’t talk until I’m ready but however much I believe that he’s sorry, my instinct is to walk away.

I guess I’m just after perspectives of whether people have tried to work it out, come through stronger or tried and realised that it was just too big a thing to work through.

[AutumnTreesThroughTheWindow]

Where do I go from here?

I think you know everything now that you need to know, don't you?

How many more words does he have to say (because that's all his promises are)?

How many times are you going to cry?

How many chances are you going to give?

How many times are you prepared to beg, plead, lay it on the line for him?

[Lollyb86]

I have. He told me in January this year that he had slept with someone last August.
He was genuinely sorry and distraught about what he had done. I've forgiven him and we've moves on.

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

He’ll tell you the truth in counselling but until then you’re basically in suspense? That seems cruel.

[Icequeen01]

I did. We had been married for about 2 years and DH had been seeing another woman, who was single, for about 5 months. It was hell for a couple of years to be honest but now 31 years later it doesn't enter my mind. DH has never done it again and hand on heart I don't think he would be unfaithful again.

[user21]

This situation is similar to my own queen
You can come back from this, 2 years on and we are getting there.
The minimising is normal but to make you wait until counselling is unacceptable imo.
He needs to come clean now but you need to reassure him you will remain calm.

No decision has to be made yet. 2 years on my DH knows that I haven’t decided to stay, I just haven’t decided to go.

I have a list of things that helped me that may help you. Let me know if you want to share or PM me xx

[Tabsicle]

GeriT - @Tabsicle during the 9 months in which you split - did you see other people?

Sort of. I had a flirtation with another guy, and we had a one night stand, which was sort of what convinced me that I wasn't that keen on anyone who wasn't DH. He was seeing OW for a bit which also convinced him that maybe this wasn't all it was cracked up to be either.

I think for us, looking back, what worked was that we split, properly, and comprehensively. No DC at the time which made it easier (I don't know what I'd do now). We didn't finalise divorce or sort finances or house sale, but we did live in different cities for 6 months of that, I moved all my stuff out of the house, we had a very clean break.

[threeandmeandthedog]

Queen that sounds so difficult. Its really hard when new bits of information keep coming up. For me it's been really important to go through what's happened and try to piece it together, we have done this pretty much daily for the last 10 days and it helps. New bits of information hit me hard and leave me reeling, I would rather go into counselling feeling I knew the time scale and events of what had happened.
Can you ask him to put the time aside to go through all your questions, as many times as you need, before your counselling session? This is about you, not him, and what you need right now.

I have snooped too and looked on FB, emails etc. And I feel awful about it because it makes me feel uncomfortable, but remember, he has put you in this position and created this mistrust. You are looking for clarity and truth and trying to piece things together to work out what happened. He isn't giving you what you need to know at the moment, so you are doing what you need to do.

Give yourself time to make decisions, as this is so bloody hard. I am writing down my feelings in a diary as they change in a flash and I am finding it helpful. It's a shit situation and I'm sorry you are going through this too...sending you virtual hugs and a gin. x

[queencerulean]

Thanks three. I could do with a gin right now.

[Sooooooooooooooooooooo]

Why will he only tell you the truth in counselling? Why won’t he just tell you? That seems quite manipulative to me.

[queencerulean]

Hes scared and worried apparently about my reaction....

[Sooooooooooooooooooooo]

So if you refused to go to counselling would he not tell you?

[AutumnTreesThroughTheWindow]

Well i think that telps you everything doesn't it?

So it's worse than what you already know..?

[revengeongc]

Even if he does tell the truth in counselling, how do you know he's actually telling you the truth? I mean, why tell the truth THEN but not NOW.

That's the thing, when you've been cheated on by someone quite comfortable with lying to your face, when do you EVER know that they are actually telling you the truth?

That eats away at you. It's psychologically damaging.
That's why I decided to leave. The peace of mind knowing he can never hurt me again is immense.

I really feel for you.

[queencerulean]

You’re right. You’re all so right.
Does this ever get less fucking painful?
I hate this. I hate this pain.

[revengeongc]

It lessens over time but it does take time.

Can I suggest you go to www.chumplady.com, have a good read and keep posting here for support. It's the most godawful pain, I know.

[queencerulean]

I’ve asked him to write me a letter/email. I just want to know how many hours he spent with her rather than our kids. Exactly how many months it went on. How he could come home to us afterwards. But he won’t do it. He still wants to talk to the counsellor.
Even now he is only thinking of himself. Selfish fucking cunt

[whoareyoukidding]

Remember queen that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you don't want to do anything until you have processed these things, then that's fine. Best wishes.

[revengeongc]

A year on, my ex still won't tell me exactly how long his affair with my 'friend' was going on for. At least 18 months but who knows? This is what I mean, you can ask for the truth but how will you know that you get it?

I would strongly urge individual counselling for you alone. It saved me.

[Sooooooooooooooooooooo]

Yes it is all about his feelings. He’s worried you’ll react badly (and why wouldn’t you?) so he’s using the counsellor to protect himself. Make sure also he’s not going to blame you in front of the counsellor to make himself look like the poor victim.

If you don’t want to go to counselling with him then that’s ok, needing space is ok. Whatever you want is ok. He does not get to make the decisions as to how this goes on now.

His actions are very controlling, he will only tell you with certain conditions attached? Fuck that.

[queencerulean]

I’ve just contacted the counsellor. She reckons it would be good for us to meet tonight as she prefers to have an initial meeting with the couple and then may suggest individual sessions. If I don’t go tonight and he does she will suggest that we meet next week. She sounds very lovely and understanding and I feel reassured by her. She said to think of specific questions I want answered but be aware that once heard, something cannot be unheard. I think some wise person said that on here too.

I know at some point I need to sit down with him. I’m thinking tonight is as good a time as any as we need a functional relationship for the kids and the sooner the better for them. He gets his rental keys on 24th so at least that will make things easier in that he won’t need to see the kids here.

You people are bloody marvellous. It’s such a lonely place to be. Friends have been amazing but there’s nothing anyone can say unless they’ve lived through this too.

[EdgeofGlory]

I forgave my husband, he did it again........finally the divorce cam through a few months ago. During the proceedings a report was produced that detailed all the affairs and sexual encounters he'd had - it was tough reading for my solicitor let alone me. Needless to say he portrayed the victim in all of it.......I'm a firm believe that once a cheat always a cheat, but at the time I didn't believe that or want to hear it. Now i'm finally happy away from the psychological trauma of being told i'm mad, imagining things etc etc - when in reality it was all true.

[threeandmeandthedog]

Queen we had an initial meeting with a counselor last week and it was helpful in terms of H came away with an understanding of why the details of the affair were important for me and that it was important to talk about. It was a raw meeting though, helpful but hard.
I hope it goes ok for you, you are doing brilliantly. Thinking of you

[SandyY2K]

The fact that he's not telling you things or writing a timeline makes me think it's bad.

Also .. her husband contacted him ..did he suspect or know anything? Is this the real reason for the confession?

This reminds me of a woman who refused to release the affair details except in counselling.... when he found out the details he filed for a divorce.

Brace yourself for the worse and assume they did everything sexually.

It's a horrible place to be and it turns your life upside down.

[Inthetropics]

My mum did, 13 years ago. They are now the happiest couple i know and i hope i can someday have what they have. Dad used to be an okay father and husband but after what they've been through together he changed A LOT and became a great dad and, according to my mum a much better husband.

His affair was with a much youger woman and it lasted over a year. My mum was pretty hurt and had meetings with lawyers and a counselor. Dad went to group and individual therapy. It was ugly and she suffered a lot so i don't really know how she was able to forgive him. Recently she told me it took a year for her to forgive him and kiss him again. They were sleeping on the samd bed but had no physicall contact and wouldn't even hold hands. She says she never had trouble trusting him after she devided to be with him after this year because she could see he had changed deeply.

I guess it is possible and it can work when the person who cheats is truly sorry and the person who forgives feels she is able to trust again.

[CoyoteCafe]

Just wanted to send a note -- I remember how raw everything was a first, and I can only image that the first meeting with the counselor felt like getting stabbed in the chest.

It really will get better. Whatever you decide to do, it will get better.

I'm so, so sorry you are going through this.