Has anyone ever forgiven an affair?

[queencerulean]

Just that really. Has anyone taken back their dh after they’ve had an affair? And if you have, have you ever really forgiven them or trust them again?

It’s very early days since I found out he’d had an affair so I’m not about to rush into any decisions at all. Right now I haven’t got the emotional strength to go through all the details on here but he seems genuinely sorry and is begging that we talk it through in counselling.

Obviously I’ve told him that we won’t talk until I’m ready but however much I believe that he’s sorry, my instinct is to walk away.

I guess I’m just after perspectives of whether people have tried to work it out, come through stronger or tried and realised that it was just too big a thing to work through.

[queencerulean]

hellsbells, it’s interesting that you ask why I need counselling. I guess I just assumed I would and everyone told me I need it. I will go along and try it but don’t worry, I’m not about to take any blame. We may have grown apart as people do with busy lives/3 kids but the responsibility is fully his.

Everyone else giving reasons for not forgiving is exactly where I’m at now.

I’m not a very patient person and I like everything sorted yesterday. I know this is one situation though where I need to give time.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

You need some space and he needs to stop with the pressure on you.

Totally this. And you also need to give yourself time. Is he still living at home? Maybe ask him to move out, even if temporary. Good luck with the counselling, you may find it useful or you may not, but at least you're giving it a shot.

Personally, I don't think I could forgive. The trust has been breached and there would also be that doubt in my head. But everyone is different. I hope you find the path that works best for you and your DC. Because you are the most important people here.

[ravenmum]

It didn't really cross my mind to forgive him - and in any case he wasn't asking for forgiveness either, and is still with her several years later.

At the time I couldn't have imagined how anyone could forgive a cheat, but since then I've thought about it and realised that maybe if the circumstances of the cheating had been totally different I would have considered it.

For example, ex never admitted anything and would not even talk about what had happened. He had been blaming me for him not feeling loving, and that's where the relationship ended. If he'd accepted any guilt it would have been different - if he'd accepted all the guilt, very different indeed.

Also, during his affair he treated me like absolute shit, with complete disrespect. And I found him out by reading emails in which he went over every aspect of our life since we met, all painted in a bad light as if the entire relationship had been awful and worthless. So the memories I have of him are all tainted: there is not one single nice memory left, they are all spoiled. Again, if there were some good times I could have looked back on, or hoped to return to, things would have been different.

[Leftforemotionalaffair]

I am early in the process, we separated for a couple of months over an emotional affair. It has been a month since we started working on things, he is in counseling and we will go together when he has his stuff sorted out. It isn’t easy, my H had a bit of a breakdown over it and had to get antidepressants, he couldn’t cope with the reality of what he did (not making excuses for him). I think the overwhelming remorse and suffering I saw in him helped me realize he was genuinely sorry, it has been harder than him begging me to take him back but in a way more helpful because nothing has been swept under the rug. He chose counseling, I didn’t even have to ask, he knew he needed help to deal with the fallout of his actions. I was worrried for a while he was pining for her but he doesn’t seem to be that way anymore, it was an intense text/phone thing and they didn’t get together in person (were exes from 20 years ago). I don’t know what the future holds, he is willing to do the work on himself to see why he did it and I am hoping the circumstances and the suffering on both our sides mean he won’t do it again.

[queencerulean]

leftfor my h is also very remorseful although I find it hard to find any sympathy after his actions. He too has sought counselling and has become a walking talking self help book. He’s devoured ‘not just friends’ and ‘after the affair’.

To whoever that asked, he has moved out but we’re in regular contact for the dc. I wish I coukd be stronger and not discuss anything unrelated to the dc but it’s hard. It’s my birthday today and he’s sent flowers (from the dc) and gin. He’s hoping he’ll be in my life next year to totally make up for it on my next birthday.

You’re right, he needs to back off doesn’t he.

[Florence16]

Do not be jaded by other people’s opinions though. It’s so easily to fall into line with what other people think. This is YOUR life. None of my friends family wanted her to stay and she lost some friends over it, but she made the decision right for her and it’s working out well so far. People have gotten over it. Life goes on, and as she once said ‘it’s not like anyone died’. Wasn’t sure how to take it when she said that, but granted, it’s true.

[threeandmeandthedog]

Thanks for starting this thread queen, it's really helpful.
Am looking at 'Not just friends', but I have a problem in the joint acceptence of blame. H had the affair, not me, this is HIS bloody fault. Problems in our marriage didn't cause it. It just happened. This is where I am at at the moment. I don't know where you go from that point. We have talked and talked and talked the last few days, in a very measured way and it has helped me as I feel calmer.
I think in your OP you said it very clearly, can you really forgive them and trust them again? This is what I am struggling with.

[queencerulean]

three, yes, I’ve had to step away from ‘not just friends ‘ because of the joint acceptance of blame. I will not accept any blame whatsoever for his choice to have done what he did. Like you , we’ve talked lots, probably more than we have for months. But it doesn’t change what he did, it just makes me more confused because I realise I still love him and that underneath his totally selfish cuntish behaviour, the man I love is still there.

[yetmorecrap]

I don’t accept any blame either but nor did He think I should. It was an EA that went too far and he accepts that totally.

[threeandmeandthedog]

Queen, what you says echo exactly my feelings. I still love him even though his behaved like a total cunt. It's bloody heart breaking.

[PerfectlyDone]

I will on some level always love my husband, but there is no possible way I could ever contemplate being part of a couple with him.

'Forgiving' is very different IMO from trusting somebody.
I am working on forgiving him on the grounds of a. human weakness and fallibility, b. him being a particularly weak individual who needs constant validation and c. him not being malicious just self-centred to an almost impressive degree.

So, I don't feel vengeful towards him, I am gutted that our 20 year marriage now means nothing and my memories of past happy events are tainted and yes, I do 'forgive' him (as that is much better for my own mental health), but his actions have destroyed us as a couple.
And I suspect that his choices will come back to bite him at some point.

[tygr]

My mum did. They’re still together nearly 20 years later.

It can happen and work out.

[CoyoteCafe]

I think that the decision to forgive and the decision to try to be a couple again are completely different things. Some people continue trying to be a couple without forgiveness -- they become bitter and angry. Forgiveness is something that happens inside us.

My DH had an EA that lasted for several months before I figured it out and kicked him out. We later reconciled, went to therapy together, and built a stronger relationship.

Part of what makes our story different than some others is that he deeply regretted what he had done, how it effected me, and what he lost. He didn't have anything to do with the OW again -- even when we were separate and I didn't want to reconcile. He took full responsibility for his actions. We re-structured our finances so that I'm better protected if our marriage ends for any reason in the future.

It's been years, and overall I'm happy with the decision. We are both different than we were both. It effected us both very profoundly. We both see our relationship as fragile (we used to take it for granted). We both speak more gently to the other one. We also talk differently when some thing causes us to feel unease. (I'm not one the cool posters on mumsnet when it comes to friendships!). It changed him, too. He used to be cocky and think of himself as someone who makes good decisions. It humbled him to do something so stupid that hurt me so deeply and nearly cost him his family.

There's no going back to before the affair. That isn't an option.

I don't have any advice because every situation is different. Whatever you decide to do (and there's no hurry, it will feel like an open wound for awhile), I wish you peace. With him in your life or not, I hope you find a way to feel peace again.

[Elkilil]

I don't think once a cheat always a cheat.. that's saying people never change and as humans we are changing everyday. But it completely depends on the person and how much the situation effected them.

[PaintingByNumbers]

I tried, it was hard. At first I couldnt accept my own role, which is pretty normal, but with time i could see how our relationship was already damaged and my role in it. Eventually the only way I could accept it was to open up our marriage and have relationships myself. This has actually been really helpful in understanding his point of view and feelings, I can see now how easy it is to compartmentalise, and to love two people at the same time. That perspective has made it easy to forgive, although obviously it makes our relationship sound a little fucked, by normal standards. I admire people who can forgive and move on without feeling a need to even the score, they are more mature than me, for me I dont think that would have been possible.

[RosyWelshcakes]

Am looking at 'Not just friends', but I have a problem in the joint acceptence of blame

I hear you.

[SuperBeagle]

There's absolutely no chance I would forgive an affair.

I have more self respect than to let someone fuck around behind my back. I don't need them, and I sure as shit wouldn't want them if they did that. There's no quicker way of telling someone you don't love or respect them than by fucking someone else behind their back.

[Florence16]

SuperBeagle your post comes across very rudely. You’re basically saying a huge proportion of people on this thread have no self respect. Rather crass if you intended it to be that way

[queencerulean]

superbeagle have you been betrayed? If you’d ask me 3 weeks ago what I’d do my answer would be the same as yours. But living through it now it’s really not so black and white.
I thought I would lose my self respect but I haven’t because I have done nothing wrong. He’s disrespected me for 6 months but I can’t deny that the 12 years before that he was the most wonderful husband and dad. I just don’t know and he hasn’t figured out yet what changed in him to make him behave the way he did.

[Theworldisfullofidiots]

Yes.
15 years later were still together.

[Theworldisfullofidiots]

It was an emotional affair so no fucking as superbeagle says.

[Foundwantingalways]

My ex partner had a fifteen month full physical and emotional affair with a colleague whilst we were actively trying for a baby and undergoing fertility tests. He has been very remorseful since I kicked him out but it's all words, no action. Every text, even when begging for a second chance, is about how he feels and how this is affecting him, he seems to have given no thought to how I and our little daughter are coping. I miss him dreadfully but the fact that he's so self centred even now is warning me somehow that I'm not safe to trust him any more. I am so low and lonely that I long for him just to say he'll actually really try, like get some counselling, or even just read a bloody book on the subject, and not just tell me his 'balls ache' . I feel even though I am actively trying to finally separate, selling the house etc, deep down it's just a ploy to finally get his attention, wake him up and get him to see what he's losing? If that makes sense. I so want to forgive him but something is stopping me from actually doing it.

[GeriT]

My DH still has shown no remorse. He is still in contact with OH.

Whilst we are seperated but not finished. Take it as you will.

He's been a right bastard to me..I thought I forgave him but his continuous disregard for me is making me think twice.

I guess we have no future as he has no remorse and doesn't give a shit about me.

[MargoLovebutter]

I tried. I really did try as I was committed to the marriage, but ultimately no, it was too awful to make better again.

[queencerulean]

I saw a relate counsellor today alone but it’s made me realise we need joint counselling even if it’s to effectively coparent. The counsellor said that possibly through joint counselling that I will find my path. That either he will be consistent and continue to show remorse and I am willing to forgive and trust again or I will realise that it’s a no go. There’s a 6 week wait and I’m useless at being patient but I know I need to be. In the meantime he can continue with individual counselling to help understand himself better and I can continue with mine which is not talking therapy as such but relaxation and positivity to try and give me some clearer head space.