Two years on here, ironically to the day. We have moved on leaps and bounds. DH has a huge fear of humiliation and is very closed emotionally - this is the biggest thing that has hindered us as I expected him to “show” his remorse, guilt etc more and continue to be more demonstrative in his love for me. He on the other hand would prefer it was never talked about again.
I’m not excusing his behaviour at all but I think it has made us appreciate what we do have and the fragility of all of it. We do lots of nice things together now. He travels less now - the travel I believe did mean he became isolated from us as a family. He became someone I didn’t recognise from the man I had been married to for 20 years. Ticked all the boxes of a mid life crisis. He was the most amazing husband and Dad. He no longer resides on the pedestal that I had him on. And maybe living up to that role was bloody difficult for him too - how the mighty fall!
Sometimes i look at him and really dislike him... I will never forget the hurt of the first few days and weeks. How hideous he was to me as he lashed out (not physically - although I did at him one night - I’m not proud of that but i did). He said and revealed some appalling things as he tried to shift the blame and face up to the the humiliation and guilt. It still makes me cry when i think about the evening of telling the children he wasn’t going to be living at home (his choice) whilst we sorted everything out, us snuggled on the sofa and he standing looking at us. To be fair that must have been hell for him too but whatever he felt at that point, he deserves every bloody part of it!!
I don’t believe once a cheater, always a cheater... I do believe it is important to self reflect and look at yourself within your relationship. I absolutely don’t accept any of the blame for the fact he shagged some women but I do have some understanding of the changes in him (bereavement, age, isolation from the family, lack of self esteem) what led to the very short affair.
We had couples counselling with, in my view, a rubbish counsellor.... i’d bare my soul expecting the counsellor to facilitate a response from DH, but he lacked the skill to do that and I believe let him off the hook on having to deal with difficult conversations and feelings. We did better unfacilitated. However, I saw someone on my own to deal with the initial separation and then also when we started again and he moved back home. She was brilliant and gave me insight into myself, DH and also tools to deal with situations.
I am glad I had the strength to fight for my marriage and do not regret it for one moment. What I don’t have is the sense of security for the future necessarily, but for now we are happily together. What i do know is that i no longer have a fear that he will leave me, not because i don’t think he will but actually because i know I’ll survive without him. He will never hurt me as much as that time and maybe I could choose to leave him. Who knows what’s around the corner. But I hope neither of us do...
I had a great marriage and family, I chose to try and get that back. It’s not the same marriage but it’s better in some ways and i think he is a kinder person now and more open.
You’ll know what’s right for you. Good luck with whatever you decide. Either way is difficult but you’ll survive!