Has anyone ever forgiven an affair?

[queencerulean]

Just that really. Has anyone taken back their dh after they’ve had an affair? And if you have, have you ever really forgiven them or trust them again?

It’s very early days since I found out he’d had an affair so I’m not about to rush into any decisions at all. Right now I haven’t got the emotional strength to go through all the details on here but he seems genuinely sorry and is begging that we talk it through in counselling.

Obviously I’ve told him that we won’t talk until I’m ready but however much I believe that he’s sorry, my instinct is to walk away.

I guess I’m just after perspectives of whether people have tried to work it out, come through stronger or tried and realised that it was just too big a thing to work through.

[threeandmeandthedog]

How are you doing Queen?

[queencerulean]

value that has to be my favourite quote so far. Thank you for making me smile. I wish it was just as easy as LTB. I always thought it was so black and white. But it’s not.

[valuerangeweetabixandmilk]

Op. Fuck that. Find someone with whom you are always first prize even when times are tough. Have my first LTB.

[LizzieSiddal]

Hi, I’ve just read this thread and am so sorry you are going through this.

You’ve had so much good advice and just wanted to agree with others that it it such early days. You are putting so much pressure on yourself to get your life “sorted”. You say you are impatient and want everything done yesterday but you would be absolutely foolish to make any long term decision now, you’re still in shock and digesting what’s happened. Give yourself time.

If you could tell yourself not to make any big decision for at least 6 months I think it would take so much pressure off yourself. You can focus on getting through each day and not have this “should I end it or have him back” swirling constantly in your head.

[TheRealBettyDraper]

Queen, it’s still so early days. Reading your post is like living my life two years a go. I feel everything you describe. You haven’t got to make any decision now.

You want honesty but when you get it, it hurts. I heard the most hideous things. Of course he thought at the time that his feelings were strong for her! Why would he have done it if they weren’t? But he was not the man I married and lived with for 21 years - leading up to the affair, before it happened.

I obsessed over the OW and the details but what I have learnt is that it makes no difference. You know it happened. You perhaps know enough? This is only hurting you more. I decided to bare my teeth and fight for the life I wanted and set out my expectations and look forward. I felt in control then, rather than a floundering fish! Sometimes it would have seemed easier to throw in the towel. But I’m glad i didn’t. I don’t feel at all like I have been walked over or just “taken” it. I feel I have control over my decisions. It is what I wanted! And I do not keep quiet if something is annoying or upsetting me. But what I don’t do is throw it back in his face. I don’t need to, he has tormented himself enough about what happened. I think in some ways he found it harder to live with the embarrassment and humiliation than I.

Be prepared for things to trigger memories, sitting watching a TV programme can make for an uncomfortable evening - think Dr Foster, Liar.... all feature infidelity. Cringe moments. But it’s life!

It has taken me two years to get here. There is no time pressure.

[threeandmeandthedog]

Queen this is what I am struggling with too. H keeps telling me it was different and fantasy and thus had no plans for a future together etc. but I don't know if that makes it better or worse. This has hurt me more than any other detail, and it has made me question everything, it's really bloody painful.

[hellsbellsmelons]

And that's the real issue.
And that's why I had to end my marriage.
The roller coaster won't stop for a while yet I'm afraid.
It took me a good year before I was feeling like myself again.
Just take it at your pace, one day at a time.
That's all you can do for now.

[queencerulean]

I feel like the fucking consolation prize.

[SandyY2K]

I'm so sorry to hear that Queen. People say allsorts in affairs... they get caught up in the fantasy world and excitement of it all.

They talk about leaving their spouses...sometimes even bad mouth their spouses to justify the affair and make them feel less guilty.

You will be up and down with how you feel for a long time. You'll go between reconciliation and divorce from day to day ... even hour to hour.

The more you find out (trickle truth), the more it sets you back and you feel betrayed alina over again.

It's really difficult, especially when you know it only ended because they were caught.

It goes through your mind.. how much longer would it have gone on...and was there ever a thought about you or any guilt.

It might help if you get him to do a detailed written timeline of the affair.

It's hellish and if they stopped to think for one minute of the consequences... it would stop them doing it.

The biggest hurdles are the trust, the triggers, the visuals etc

Reconciliation is really difficult. It takes patience, dedication and an awful lot of strength. It's a tough road to walk down.

[valuerangeweetabixandmilk]

OP Im so sorry its like a kick in the stomach.
No it wont get better as will come up every time he isnt there, late home, doesnt answer his phone etc.
He has just kicked your self esteem and the bruise will never heal. He didnt want you when he was with her. Dont try to 'work it out through talking'. He isnt sorry he just wants you to forget so he cam eat cake again.
You will never ever forget. Your feelings may hide but the will always be there.

[queencerulean]

We stayed up last night chatting. Really properly talking. About what went wrong, about how we feel. And it was all going so well. And then wham bam, I realised he’d told her he loved her. And the deep visceral pain is back. He says he realises now that it wasn’t love but that he thought it at the time really fucking hurts.
And so I’ve gone full circle again from wondering about reconciliation to wanting divorce. Will this rollercoaster ever stop?

[irregularegular]

Not me. but my mum did 25 years ago. They went on to have a very happy marriage. I'm glad she did.

[SandyY2K]

There are some wayward spouses who are very remorseful.

They realise that they risked it all for nothing... that they didn't have a bad marriage at all. They just got caught up in the fantasy world of massaging each others ego.

Time apart is good. Some people divorce and remarry .... in the belief that the ultimate consequence for infidelity is divorce.

It's a rollercoaster... but go easy on yourself. Being betrayed through infidelity is a very traumatic experience.

[celticmissey]

It happened to me. I knew straight away I wasnt strong enough to forgive and forget and knew I would probably struggle with any level of trust of him so I just ended it full stop and I dont regret it. It takes a strong person to not throw it back in somebody's face if they have cheated. I didn't want to torture myself with the what if he did it again scenario.Two of my friends tried to carry on with their relationships after they dh's had affairs - they had a miserable 12 months or so of doubting their dh's and eventually realised they weren't strong enought to forgive and forget. Give yourself a bit of time - only you will know the answer. Best of luck

[valuerangeweetabixandmilk]

No way. Its not the sex but the sustained level of deceit. Affairs mean the cheater thinks of their partner as shit to be walked over to be laughed at and humiliated to the OW.
To be prepared to have sex again after that revelation would take a real lack of self esteem. Women often say they stay for the kids but thats bollocks because having a cheat for a dad or mum means learning about relationships in a way that will fuck their futures up. It is because they still love their spouse and hope they will change/blame themselves/theyre a good dad ad infinitum.
Have the self respect and confidence to stand up and say NO- you won't treat me like that again. Because if you dont you are giving a green light to it happening again. And counselling is a load of crap men agree to to shut the wife up and put it down to mutual blame and something which can be fixed. It cant.

[catbasilio]

I have been separate from my H for 1.5 years now and I could not take him back. It was multiple texting and some ‘happy massages’. He did admit everything and was remorseful and asked for a 2nd chance. In theory, I wanted to give a 2nd chance. But I don’t honestly believe he has changed. He was and still is very self-centred even if he believes he has changed.
I also moved on with another man. I do wonder if I would feel differently if I hadn’t met my boyfriend. Probably quite unlikely.

[Animation86]

It’s still very early days. And honestly for me the mind never gets easier, not 12 months on. I’m literally in a text argument with OH as we speak. It takes a tiny trigger and boom. Back to square one. Sometimes the trigger is as simple as looking in the mirror in the morning feeling shit and thinking “no wonder he went elsewhere”

[queencerulean]

geri I hope you can get your head clear. Have you had any counselling? Please don’t sacrifice your happiness for him. Put yourself first.

Apologies if anyone is reading the other affair thread currently running as I’ve just copy and pasted this from my post on there.....
.... I find now that the deep visceral pain has healed slightly (and I mean slightly) which has left confusion and sadness in its place. I miss him. Ridiculous I know. Not the him that has been a shit for the past 9 months but the person he was before that. We’ve had so many chats about things and how we’d do things differently and I realise just how much we’d grown apart without really realising. I’m not accepting any blame and he’s not expecting any and whatever was going on was in no way whatsoever an excuse to fuck someone else but I realise we weren’t as close as we once were.

He seems genuinely remorseful and has already made some changes. I really don’t know what the future holds because I’m still in no way ready to forgive or forget but maybe it’s possible. I’m sure by tomorrow I’ll be mad and angry again!!

He gets the house keys to his rental property next week and it seems so final even though it isn’t really. He admitted that he was secretly hoping to move back in but there’s no way I’m ready for that. But at the moment I really can’t imagine life without him. Whereas if you’d asked me yesterday I was ready to divorce.

Does the confusion get any easier? I wish I had a crystal ball and could see 6 months into the future and know what was happening. How do you ever know 100% which is the right decision? I guess time??

[GeriT]

Thank you for all the kind words

Queen Yeah it is awful.

I don't know what it is like to be in a non toxic relationship. He always made out that I was the bad guy and he was the victim. I believed it and sacrificed my happiness for him.

I have blamed myself for so many things but his behaviour is disgusting and his words are meaningless.

The fact he tries to insinuate what he is doing is not wrong yet he wants to talk about our 'relationship' says it all.

I need to get my head clear...

[queencerulean]

Oh geri, what a dick your h is being. That level of continued hurt must be awful. It sounds like this will eat away at your self esteem. Please don’t let it. Please don’t let him treat you like this. You deserve so much more.

[SandyY2K]

@GeriT

As you're apparently not exclusive with your H ... I take it he be fine if you start a relationship with another man would he?

Back to the 180 my dear. You really need it to prepare for a life without him as a romantic partner.

You know I'm here for you.

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

@GeriT you’re married but he told you you’re not exclusive? I’d throw him out for that alone.

[GeriT]

Animation86 he thinks he is doing nothing wrong because he told me we weren't exclusive.

Which has also been followed up we aren't together and we'll discuss the relationship if I am still willing to be patient and wait.

Sorry are we in a relationship in his head or not? And yes he hasn't filed for divorce and neither have I - so we are still married.

Given that he doesn't know the state of the relationship he is doing something wrong - prick!

[Animation86]

But there is no point he spends all his time talking to OW whilst not talking to me. Then pretending we still have a decision to make about our relationship.

This is insane GeriT. Its one way or the other. Talking to OW is indeed carrying the affair on, even if it's just emotionally. He's still walking all over you. He needs to go 100% no contact. Now. Not in a while, or a few days. Now.

[SandyY2K]

I am trying so hard to forgive.

You can't forgive an on going affair @GeriT