Has anyone ever forgiven an affair?

[queencerulean]

Just that really. Has anyone taken back their dh after they’ve had an affair? And if you have, have you ever really forgiven them or trust them again?

It’s very early days since I found out he’d had an affair so I’m not about to rush into any decisions at all. Right now I haven’t got the emotional strength to go through all the details on here but he seems genuinely sorry and is begging that we talk it through in counselling.

Obviously I’ve told him that we won’t talk until I’m ready but however much I believe that he’s sorry, my instinct is to walk away.

I guess I’m just after perspectives of whether people have tried to work it out, come through stronger or tried and realised that it was just too big a thing to work through.

I wish you luck and peace of mind.

For me, the trouble was, even when reconciling, I just didn't trust him. One can say 'I will try to trust you again, I will open up my vulnerable, wounded heart to you again' but the trouble is... you don't.

As it turned out, I was right not to trust him, despite all the remorse, the individual and joint counselling, the consequences, the shame.

All I'll say is, if someone is able to look you in the eye day after day for weeks and months and possibly years and lie to your face, they can never be trusted again. I'm not talking about a one night stand or even perhaps a short affair. Anyone who can maintain a secret life for a length of time is inherently untrustworthy, no matter how they behave on discovery or what they say.

queen we had a joint initial session at relate a few days ago and it was incredibly painful for me, but it did help. We are on the waiting list too, first for some individual sessions then to come together.
I hope you get some clarity and headspace.

We had joint couples counselling for 10 months, pretty much every week.
I bared my soul, ranted and raved, tore my hair and rented my clothes - this was the first affair I found out about and ultimately decided to allow him a 2nd chance.
He said v little and certainly nothing v revealing or deeply personal.

Needless to say, the joint counselling made not one jot of a difference.
Like PP have said, everything remains about him, HIS 'needs' (sex, expensive gadgets, attention), HIS sadness at not seeing the kids as much (no shit, Sherlock!) and HIS finances (guess what, running 2 households is more expensive than 1).

I am all for not shouting LTB and giving 2nd chances but don't kid yourself in to seeing what you want to see. Which is what I did for 2 1/2 torturous years.

There are Parenting Apart workshops all over the UK - that might be useful for those of you who want to actively make co-parenting rather than the actual couple relationship work?
I found the one I attended quite useful.

I don’t actually think that the issue is forgiving or not forgiving but whether the trust can be rebuilt. Some people choose to forgive but find that the relationship can’t be repaired. Very much depends on how he behaves now and in the long term.

It seems unfair that people trot the line out that people don’t change as a reason for not forgiving an affair when that’s the exact reason both of my mums marriages failed because people changed.

I’m 3 years on from my dh having an affair he spent 6 months living on his own before I took him back and I made sure that I was taking him back for the right reasons I.e not because of childcare/money. It hasn’t always been easy but I can honestly say it was 100% the right decision for us, you never forget but you can forgive, it takes time, tears and both of you have to put the effort in.

It’s very early days concentrate on yourself take time to grieve for the relationship you had but if you want it enough you can rebuild it.

There’s a 6 week wait

may be that's a good thing? For me, at first I was in shock. Reality wasn't what I thought it was.

Then I was so, so angry and so hurt. I think that it is fine to direct hurt and anger his way. One of the things that was helpful for us was him understanding the depth of the betrayal.

I think that when affairs start, the people having them don't understand how serious it is, especially when they start from a friendship that slides. I honestly think that most people who have affairs think it isn't that big of a deal. The only hope for a relationship is that person changing their mind and accepting it for the life changing, soul destroying thing that it is. My DH owning the depth of the betrayal and hurt was fundamental to us moving forward.

All I'll say is, if someone is able to look you in the eye day after day for weeks and months and possibly years and lie to your face, they can never be trusted again

I agree with this. My DH was really bad at it though. I knew something was wrong, he didn't act like he usually did. He was short with me, and acted like he no longer cared. I thought we were having problems. I didn't realize what the problems were of course, and I when I figured it out I was very angry about how hard I was trying at our marriage while he was putting his energy into another person.

I think it would have been impossible to rebuild trust if he acted the same way during his affair that he does when he is "all in" our relationship.

I stayed even though my ex cheated more than once. I didn't truly forgive him and I could never forget. It wrecked my self esteem, all the respect I once had for him, the trust.... it's over now something unrelated to cheating and now I don't love him anymore I don't care that he cheated it doesn't matter. But I carried the insecurity and trust issues with me.

I think it's up to you if you forgive but also how long it takes you to get to that point. Don't let him dictate to you how long you should take to "get over it". He's got no right to tell you how you should feel.

I have to agree with revenge

I couldn't.

I don't believe in the "once a cheat, always a cheat" trope that is often rolled out on here.

It just makes some people who have been cheated on feel better about themselves: it means it definitely wasn't anything to do with them...

However, I would never even entertain the idea of forgiving someone. The only way I could forgive it is if I wasn't that emotionally invested/committed to the relationship myself.

I couldn't imagine being intimate (I mean generally, not using it as a euphemism for sex), or vulnerable, or laughing, or trusting or giving myself completely (again, not a euphemism for sex) with someone who had shown me such disregard, lack of consideration, lack of respect.

There comes a point in an interaction with someone where a person realises they have a connection. At that point, a person makes a choice. A choice to be loyal, a choice to respect, a choice to love their partner. Or a choice to think "fuck it, why not". It is that moment of choice that I couldn't forgive.

It would be less about "he had an orgasm provided by someone else" or "he has touched another woman's breasts" or "he was sexually aroused by someone other than me" because, whilst none of that is nice, that's not the bit that destroys the relationship and the trust. It would be more that, that at that moment, when they had a choice, they did not choose me.

If someone did not choose me, then I would not choose them.

I need hand holding from all you wise women this morning.
I took the dc to fireworks last night and at one point couldn’t find my friend who we had gone with. I felt physically anxious and panicky. The realisation that we are no longer a family or will do family things again hit me like a tonne of bricks. I’m just so fucking sad.

He’s still pleading for another chance. Even if it’s just the chance to be friends. I’m torn because when I tell him to give me space and stop pleading I then have a go because he’s not fighting for me. So fucked up, right?

autumn you’re so right about the intimacy. It’s nit just the sex, it’s the times they spent together, the messages they shared. That he did that and then deserves to have the same with me feels so wrong. When he tried to comfort me by putting a hand on me I recoil from his touch because I know he’s touched her.

He admitted yesterday that they had unprotected sex. I assume she was on the pill but who knows. He says he never gave stis a thought. He realises he needs to get tested. What a complete utter fool. I’ve already tested myself and have the bruised fingers from trying to enough blood. Everything was just such an utter lack of thought. He’s potentially put me at risk and thereby our kids at risk. And he’s a doctor. How could he be so fucking stupid?

As you can tell I’m pretty angry today. I’m tired of going to bed thinking of him with her, I’m tired of waking up in the night and going over everything in my head and I’m tired of waking every morning with the realisation that I have to get myself and the kids through another day.

For those of you that have been through it, please tell me it gets easier. I really don’t think I can cope with much more. I’m truly utterly broken.

Big big big hugs

Yes, it definitely gets easier. Hang on in there. At its worst, I used to say to myself 'one foot in front of the other' and get through the day that way. It isn't like that now. Whatever path you choose (and you can take your time, and change your mind), time really is a healer

I forgave my then-husbands affair when I was a much younger woman. I didn't really know what else to do, as I had 2 small children at the time (although I accept that many women with small children go it alone these days). He seemed to be contrite and he swore he wouldn't do it again. I think I stayed because I wanted the financial and emotional support while raising the kids.

Eventually he and I parted. The affair didn't end it, but it definitely changed the way I felt about him - I never felt quite the same about him again.

Queen I'm hand holding , its relentless and exhausting and heartbreaking. I have no wise words, it will get better though xx

OP I know how you feel. I agree with people who say do what you need to do in order to get through this. There is no single 'right way.

Thanks everyone and three for your pms.
It’s all so fucking shit.

I did! My DH cheated on me about 11 years ago. It took me a long time to trust him again and if I’m honest every now and again I’ll have a private wobble as I never saw it the first time but I have no reason at all think he has cheated again. We are both happy and have had a child since.
I genuinely think it was a mistake - he was in a bad place because of a huge event in his life and he made a mistake. I did say at the time though that if he ever did it again I would not be needing explanations as he would be out the door.
It can work but you need to make the decision. Good luck. It is incredibly hard x

You’re still in the shock phase and realising that this is not the life you signed up for when you married him and had his DC.

It honestly honestly does get better. It’s sll so raw right now, make sure you are kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for being angry, worn out, etc. This will pass and you will look back and think ‘wow, did I really go through all that’.

I’m coming from the perspective of you not being able to get past his infidelity and you end up separating by the way. I do not know how it would work if you stay together. I’d always be waiting for him to do it again and wouldn’t be able to live my life that way (hence being unable to get past it myself).

Oh it does get easier.

The anger that he could do this to you; the outrage that he could do it to the children; the despair that the family you thought you had is gone; the grief for the life you thought you had; the disgust at the realisations and 'flashbacks', they all get less and they all get easier and you draw strength from them eventually.

I only found evidence that my exh was 'looking for' an affair when I kicked him out. The truth of the, completely unrelated, real affair came a couple of weeks afterwards.

There was a brief charade of working things out, but that's largely because I was avoiding the anger, outrage, despair, grief and disgust outlined above.

I think that if we had 'tried to get past it', it would still haunt me now. It would still affect my self esteem and still fill me with disgust and anger. But, instead, I feel strong. No one will ever be able to hurt me like that again.

IMHO, your husband has forfeited the right to be your friend. If a friend had betrayed you so spectacularly would you be happy to give them another chance, or would you think you deserved a friend who was more loyal than that?

Oh, I'm also coming from the separating perspective.

I don't think I'd ever find peace with someone if I tried to get past them.

I don't think I'd ever truly forgive anyone who betrayed me so deeply. Or, at least, certainly not continue a relationship with them. I think I probably have forgiven my exh for cheating. But I don't respect him anymore. And our eldest child doesn't either.

I discovered my H's affair 7 months ago. It was a work colleague 21 years younger than him. We've been married 22 years. They'd been sexting, said awful things about me, met for coffees, walks, kisses and gripes, plus late night wnking over the phone.
I've had breast cancer and a mastectomy, she knew that. She used to sext him about her breasts and he admitted to groping the left one...the side I had mine removed from.
After I found out on my birthday...he was vile, which made me look at his phone, I later found out that they'd continued to text as "just work mates." I told him to leave and told him that I was going to see a solicitor.
He came back, begged me not to file for divorce, and since then (July) I really believe that it is all over. He's been the man I fell in love with 27 years ago again.
I still get The Rage, and boy do I get angry. I also have panic attacks. He's had a new phone and Number so she can't contact him, she continued to so one one occasion I replied. H gave me his phone that day and she called mid-morning. I did enjoy telling her exactly what I thought of her, which was therapeutic for me!
This morning H hadn't left his phone on the computer desk, and I asked him for his phone, getting panicky and accusatory because he hadn't left it out.
It is hard, I still feel uncomfortable about him looking at my reconstruction and don't like him touching my remaining breast. I long for the day when I don't feel chewed up inside. He wants me to get over it and move on, the counsellor we saw said I was cup half empty and needed to focus on the positives....not helpful!
We have 2 teenagers and life can be difficult with them. We're also into 12 months since he met her, so it's difficult when certain dates come round. He says that's my choice to feel like that, but I can't help it.
I've got the Shirley Glass book which I've read, I also print things off the internet, but he doesn't like reading them.
Oh I don't know the answer OP, it's a hell I never thought I'd go through and I just want the pain to end.

Gropes, not gripes autocorrect!

OP I was always in the "if he cheats I'll be off" camp until it happened to me. After 15 years it was hard to turn away from the memories, the life we'd built and the future we'd been planning. I tried to forgive him but I just couldn't. He didn't help matters because he thought he'd just do his mea culpa routine and then go back to being himself and he never truly grasped the extent of the damage he'd caused. Every time he left my sight I wondered if he was calling her, texting her or with her. The day I left him was my first sense of having any peace of mind. It took me three months of trying to be 'cool' and trust him but I got to the point where I knew I'd never feel the same ease with him again. He'd proved himself capable of the most extraordinary emotional cruelty, self-entitlement and compartmentalisation and by the time I left I really didn't like him. The grief during the aftermath of splitting is horrendous but I got through it all, totally thrived and I'm pretty content now six years on.