Has anyone ever forgiven an affair?

[queencerulean]

Just that really. Has anyone taken back their dh after they’ve had an affair? And if you have, have you ever really forgiven them or trust them again?

It’s very early days since I found out he’d had an affair so I’m not about to rush into any decisions at all. Right now I haven’t got the emotional strength to go through all the details on here but he seems genuinely sorry and is begging that we talk it through in counselling.

Obviously I’ve told him that we won’t talk until I’m ready but however much I believe that he’s sorry, my instinct is to walk away.

I guess I’m just after perspectives of whether people have tried to work it out, come through stronger or tried and realised that it was just too big a thing to work through.

Everything you all say I resonate with. I feel sometimes like I’m being over dramatic but it’s such a deep visceral pain.
frances your story is truly horrific and I’m so sorry you’re going through this on top of an already life changing diagnosis. It makes you wonder how humans can behave love me this and be capable of such hurt.

I really wanted a break and space from him today but at lunchtime the kids were being so vile, mainly the eldest two bullying the youngest. I know it’s because they’re hurting but I couldn’t cope with it alone. He’s just gone and I’m torn between wanting him to stay because it would be the easy thing to do to have constant help with the dc and wanting him to disappear for good.

Queencerulean no matter what you decide it will be a rollecoaster and you should feel no pressure to make a decision. DH and I are a month in and taking it day by day, we both have times when we feel real positive progress has been made and other times when we want to give up. The open honest conversations we have can lead to tremendous hurt on my part, last night I was ready to call the solicitor on Monday because I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I have agreed not to give up until we are both in a less emotional state and he has done the same. We both want it to be fixed and go away and that can’t happen. Knowing what we have to go through to get to a good place is scary and we both have a lot of fears about this. Right now our heads say we want it to work but our hearts and emotions are all over the place, both of us can cycle through from wanting to be together to wanting divorce within minutes because of these powerful emotions. I just hope once they stabalize that we can go with what our heads tell us. My biggest fear today is when he gets clarity he will decide that the reasons he has the affair are too much to fix in our marriage. That terrifies me and drives much of my own anxiety. So it is hard, really hard but at the same time we have had a real emotional and intimate connection over the last 2 weeks or so, a connection that we had definitely let get in a rut prior to this. That positive keeps me going

I'm sure the prospect and cost of divorce scares him.

Sometimes it's hard to know if the cheater is truly remorseful or regrets getting caught.

Another useful support site following infidelity.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

left I agree, that it’s totally frightening that he will one day not want me. Of course I don’t necessarily want him but I want him to want me. Remind me, are you still living together or apart?
sandy for his part, he did tell me rather than getting caught out so I’m hoping that’s in his favour. But yes, it will be very expensive to divorce me as he’s a high earner and I gave up my career to become the Sahm and part time worker. I will look at the website thank you. I’m not sure I’ve come across that one

Queen- we were apart for 2 months or so (it was still going on) and have been back living together for about 2 weeks now, first couple of weeks after it ended it were a blur

Him telling you is better... as long as its not because someone else was going to tell you.

Has he told you why he confessed?

Do you have easy access to money now? Does he make you feel his earnings are family money?

Has he answered all the questions you have?

I'll send you some other info via PM.

sandy he assures me that he told me because he needed to face up to it and couldn’t continue living a lie. He’d already ended it apparently at that point a month before. I asked him if she threatened to tell me and he says no. Hard to believe anything though.
In terms of money I have access. I have some of my own earnings and access to the joint account that he pays into. He promises me that me and the kids will be well provided for. We’ve always kept our individual accounts as well as having a joint account but it’s always been family money. His family would never let him shit on me financially even if he did ever turn nasty which I don’t think he will (but then again I never thought he’d have an affair).
Questions-he’s answered some but not all. He promises he will do in a safe environment of counselling as let’s just say I may have been a bit violent towards him at one point. Not my finest hour but anger and frustration got the better of me and I apologised afterwards. Not that that makes it ok. I’m shocked I behaved like that. I think he’s also scared to tell me more because he realises how bad it is and the more I know the less likely I am to want him back.

I found us a relationship counsellor who we can see this week rather than waiting for relate. I was really up for it but now wondering if it’s all too soon as I’m still not sure what I want to achieve,

Like I said .. confessing is better than you finding out... and leans more towards remorse. It's not easy to confess to an affair .. knowing it could lead to divorce. Especially if he thought you'd never find out.

Not that I'm saying that makes it okay though.

I'd go along you the counselling.. making it clear you aren't promising a reconciliation.

It's tough .. because the trust you once had is gone. No guarantee it will come back either ... but don't rush into making a decision either way.

Some people give it a year to try things out and decide.

My personal feeling is that forgiving so easily makes the cheater feel comfortable. They really need to get the feeling of knowing they could lose you.

I also think co consequences are are needed.

Many BWs have lashed out post infidelity... it's very traumatic. Not that it's acceptable... But you aren't alone.

sandy thanks for your pm. Didn’t want to respond now in case I woke you pinging in your inbox. He probably will/already has done all of them. But is it enough? Will anything ever be enough to repair the damage?

queen 💐 I really feel for you xx
I’m sorry you’re going though this. I have also been where you are and we are almost 2 years on now.

You sound completely sideswiped by this, the rug has been pulled from under you and it’s that realisation that your life isn’t what you thought it was. The ‘triggers’ will continue and appear when you least expect them for many years to come. It is just like a bereavement.

Leaving the marriage will not take any of these away. You will still experience these feelings and emotions so hang on until you’re ready to make a decision.

I too became violent with him upon disclosure, it’s a natural reaction and understandable imo. Unfortunately, my outbursts, although not physical since that first time, have made it difficult for him to give full disclosure. This has hindered our recovery. Please be aware of this xxx

Reading this thread has made me realise why I also couldn’t get on with ‘Not just friends’

I think for women, it is a big betrayal, for men, maybe less so,,i may be talking BS,just my view.

I tend to agree with a lot myheartbelongsto says and when i hear it from a female perspective, i can fully understand the thought processes.

Anyway, for a woman who's husband has been caught, its a win win situation. Dump him, fleece him,collect a house and pension,,whats not to like? Move on to the next one.

I don’t think him telling you is a massive thing. Bottom line is, it could be because a mutual friend found out and said they’d tell you if he didn’t. It could be because he felt guilty and wanted a clear conscience, but will you ever know for sure? You can drive mad doing comparisons to others. My friend got told by OW, but OW told her because her DH had binned her off. So no he didn’t come clean, but he ended it. I think it would be more odd to me for someone to suddenly decide they were going to be honest and own up when they’ve been a lying, deceitful bastard for months beforehand. We’re human, we make shit choices. It’s rare people suddenly see the light and cause themselves a shitstorm without reason to

You call that ‘winning’ TDF?

It sounds like everyone’s losing to me.

TDH

But is it enough? Will anything ever be enough to repair the damage?

Only time will tell. Betrayals like this do untold damage to a marriage and it's just not something every couple can come back from.

Especially when uoiu have to deal with triggers and going forward you continue to struggle with trust ... which is only natural under the circumstances.

For some people the factors that are important in making a decision to try and reconcile include:

• The length of the affair
• Who the person is
• Whether emotions were involved

A cheater can't expect or demand forgiveness ... It's not a right and they aren't entitled to it.

Just because another couple have worked It, doesn't mean you have to try ... but if he's doing the things on that list, I would say he is a good candidate to try and work it out with, if you want to.

Some cheaters have reformed and realise what bad choices they made in having an affair. They have spent time in therapy and realise how they could have lost the family they so love.

It can work ... but it's hard work for both of you and a lot of the heavy lifting must come from him.

Don't feel pressured to reconcile and don't feel pressured not to reconcile.

Feel free to PM me with any questions .... I've worked supporting individuals on both sides of infidelity, so I have a balanced perspective on it.

Hi Queen, hope you managed to get some sleep.

It isn’t actually the easy option OP, it does change things and whilst some may say they create a better relationship I am sure there are just as many if not more who if they are honest simply don’t feel the same way about someone however much they would want to but stay anyway

It's too soon for counselling together.
Do go on your own though.
That will hopefully help you.

I have. We split up for 9 months. Got back together. 6 years on and I don't regret it at all. Relationship is solid, we're v happy. Hard work to get here but worth it.

Although I think I did everything wrong by MN standards - there's a very solid "this is what you do" set of steps that seem popular. But I guess every relationship is different.

@Tabsicle during the 9 months in which you split - did you see other people?

TDH you're either a troll or an ignorant, insensitive prick. Hoping the latter TBH.

The OP (who, for the record, is a friend) has three children. Show some respect toward them. Nothing about this situation is a triumph.

Yes I did, it was lots of texting other women, rather than one big affair. He was totally remorseful after at first trying to cover it up. I made him leave the house until I felt ready to see him.

He changed his behaviour drastically, hardly went out. We did rebuild some trust, but the root, his ability to be ruthless and demeaning to us, didn’t go away.

So be wary. He has to do a lot of work on himself and why he’s an asshole. Like others, you are not to blame. The relationship isn’t at fault. He is.

I’m not someone that has knowingly experienced this, but thought I would add my share.
I think it would depend on a number of factors. How I found out, who she was, how they met, how long it was going on for, why it ended, children involved etc.

I think that if my dh had an affair I wouldn’t go back. It’s easy to say that thought, isn’t it. But I think I would have trust issues and it would eventually kill the relationship. Every time he went out I would, deep down, wonder if it was another affair even though it may be innocent. I don’t think that would be healthy and if it was innocent, i would never believe that it was. It would eventually break us or break me psychologically.

Thanks all once again for your input.
I went to new lows yesterday and went snooping. Found her on Facebook. Young, pretty. Everything at 44 and menopausal I’m not. Also found out he’s lied to me since confessing. He assured me he’d only told his mum. Turns out his best friend knew also. He also omitted to tell me that her husband had been in contact with him. He’s also done the classic of mini sing what he’s done. The timelines are longer, the number of times more. He promises to tell the truth in counselling and to answer everything I want to know.
Where do I go from here?

I also found an email that id sent him explaining how I felt. I thought it was recent but I sent it in April. It basically says how I’m upset with his behaviour and him not spending time with the kids and just feeling like his childcare. I also said that I would be prepared to walk if things didn’t change. I laid it on the line and told him I loved him, wanted to grow old with him but needed him to feel the same.
Presumably he said all the right things after this as I didn’t walk. God I wish I had. I wish I’d trusted my instincts instead of convincing myself he was just stressed. He had so many chances to confess and he chose to carry on fucking her.
The more I write, the worse it sounds and the more I know there’s no coming back is there?