I'm being bullied by Social Services

[BulliedMama]

I’ve NC for this,

Two years ago I was the victim of domestic violence, myH at the time was convicted of this. Social services were called but closed the case. I try to make things work with my H but unfortunately at the beginning of this year another incident happened and since then I have left him. SS were called again and they have put my DS (reception age) and unborn on CP. I think this is a step too far and it should’ve been child in need but there you are. I am willing to do the things they’ve requested of me except the freedom program for domestic violence. I have done some one-on-one work with the domestic violence lady and she has said that the freedom program isn’t for everybody and you can’t force someone to do something that they are not willing to do. SS are now basically saying that I have to do this, if I don’t it there will be consequences and it’s nonnegotiable, I feel totally bullied by them my pregnancy has been ruined by them and the anxiety and stress they are putting me through is not helping. In my eyes I have eliminated the problem with removing my husband from the family home. Our only goal now is to work towards a civil relationship whereby our son is happy. I’m left in the position where I feel SS are now the perpetrators and it is not empowering at all to be made to do something you are so against. This is a box ticking exercise for them with no regard to the impact on my emotional well-being. In fact a small booklet I have with regards to the freedom program says about stress during pregnancy caused by perpetrators, well this fits SS completely.

Sorry for lack of paragraphs,

I don’t feel there’s any point complaining to SS but wanted to know if there is another organisation I can go to to find out my rights with regards to what they can force me to do. every other professional in my sons life are saying how well he’s doing and how happy he is.

Thanks, I hope I haven’t drip fed

I have just emailed my DV worker and asked her to re open the case and put forward her plan. Obviously I won’t risk my son but is doesn’t mean I have to agree with this at they are threatening me.

@LoverOfCake you have no clue what you are talking about.

Get a letter about your stress and the consequences this may have on your pregnancy

What effects?

Stress has no effect on the foetus. None. Unless you’re physically in shock to the point your blood pressure bottoms out, or injured seriously, and even then the effect is generally minimal. The level of stress the op is under is clearly unpleasant for her but it’s having NO EFFECT on the baby.

OP: why are you so against the freedom program? SS are giving you a choice here - do a simple course, or potentially lose your kids. If I was given that choice I would do ANYTHING to keep my child. Anything. No matter how terrifying or inconvenient or annoying or whatever.

The thing is OP, you clearly never thought you H was going to be abusive yet here you are. Would it not be good to have your eyes opened a little bit by doing the FP? Do you really want to have to tell people your child is on CP because you didn’t want to do something that can only benefit their future by helping you know signs to look for?!

I don’t know the time frame but if you have got pregnant by your H since the 2nd incident then they have every reason to think you’d take him back.

Bite the bullet, think of it as doing it for your children rather for yourself. Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck for the future

@SockEatingMonster I think that's a nice way of putting what I was thinking reading this thread. I can sort of understand why OP wouldn't want to relive a traumatic experience, especially if you're someone who doesn't like to 'dwell' on stuff. I didn't want to go to counselling when I should have done for similar reasons - in the end I found it helpful, not necessarily life changing but it was better than I thought it would be.

OP you can't know until you go if it's helpful or not! It doesn't have to be waste of time and resources if you go along with an open mind.

@RockyBayEve, thank, it’s just so wrong how they operate, using fear to get their way.

anatidae that is not correct. Cortisol crosses into the placenta and long term exposure to this has a harmful effect on the foetus. Recent studies have demonstrated this.

OP they are not bullying you. They’re trying to do the best for your dc. Stop resisting and making a big issue out of it and just go. Calling SS ‘perpetrators’ just shows that your thinking is not right at all and that is not good for your dc.

@Ttbb I did just they today, left a garbled message through tears. I’m seeing her Saturday for a home visit.

I have just emailed my DV worker and asked her to re open the case and put forward her plan. Obviously I won’t risk my son but is doesn’t mean I have to agree with the way they are threatening me.

Op are you okay? I’ve just had a thought that you could be mentally unwell. Your thinking seems quite distorted. Have you been getting any help or advice from anyone neutral - midwife? Gp? I hope you are okay.

Cortisol crosses into the placenta and long term exposure to this has a harmful effect on the foetus. Recent studies have demonstrated this.

They have not. I am aware of the studies you mention and they show no such thing. They are however being cited by by various quacks in order to gull vulnerable women into paying for programs to reduce ‘maternal stress.’

PhD and research career in the genetic mechanisms of foetal development and cancer. I know what I’m talking about. The cortisol thing is bollocks.

OP, if you cannot distinguish between abuse and SS asking you to do the Course, then I would say you really, really badly need to do that Course.

Op in the nicest possible way , this is not about what's right for you and your being, they are from children's social services. They had previous involvement closed the case and you got back with him and got pregnant then he was abusive again. Stop minimising you were given a chance, you got back with him, it's damaging for your children and they are the priority. Now your saying they are bullying you, it's not bullying, it's trying to ensure your children stay safe as twice they have been at risk and your not even willing to consider the freedom programme. I have friends who have done it and found it really empowering, it's only 3 months and it's not like it's 40 hours a week.

Ok so you know you won’t take him back, but all SS have to go on is past history so you can see why they’re concerned, surely?

The fact is, I can’t understand why you’re digging your heels in and fighting them when just doing the course and ticking their boxes would mean you and your children would be much happier and less stressed? The phrase pick your battles springs to mind. Don’t fight SS, you’ll end up regretting it. Just do as they say until they sign you off.

he thinks I should do it

Why are you even having conversations with him about your recovery from his abuse of you??? Fgs! Can see exactly why SS are concerned. Your fooling no-one. You are waiting for them to disappear so he can get back in the house. Of course he wants you to do the course. It speeds up his return!

@Fragglewump I’m signed off sick with depression from all this so under the doctor, also I’ve been referred and am attending help with anxiety. I have appointments coming out my ears and the next one will be relate as per the safety plan set by SS. Put FP on that and midwife and HV and I’ve had enough, I already feel I’m jumping through hoops for them. I can’t do everything.

Why wouldn't you do this?

Isn't it worth it to know you're children are off CP?

But this is for you and your children

FP also helps people to spot the red flags of abuse, because often people go from one abusive relationship to another one. If you see that as a waste of time then it's no wonder your children will by on the CP register. They have told you there will be further consequences. There will be. And no, they don't always hand the kids over to the grandparents. If losing your kids is less important to you than being stubborn, there's no helping you and I hope SS does what it needs to do to keep those children safe.

@BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried if I had said he thought I shouldn’t do it you would jump over that too. He was at the core group meeting

Oh dear OP - you are not listening.

1. Do the maths - count up the number of responses to your post that are advising you to do the course; then add up those who think you are right to refuse. It is very clear.

1. As we mature we learn to put ourselves in others' shoes and try and understand where they are coming from. Sit down and write a list of the reasons that SS want you to do this. Forget your emotions and pretend you are a social worker faced with your situation. You can do this.

1. You have given no good reason for your refusal. Write a list of why it is a good idea to refuse; and another list of what the risks are.

1. Stop blaming SS - they have a job to do and they have seen what happens when they do not follow the protocols - they have been to the inquests.

Seriously, your approach is just feeding SS's concerns. You must rethink. You are your own worst enemy and that of your children.

I remember this post before, and the posts are of exactly the same tone.
It had the same outcome...even though you know you will lose your dc you still refuse to do this course. The conclusion was that you are still expecting a civil and hands on relationship with your ex dh even though you have been told this isn't possible.
Why are you on here again? You know the answer.

Please can we stop saying she will lose her children if she doesn't do the course.
Of course, down the line the failure to do the course may lead to her reconciling with the ex or getting into another abusive relationship, which could then lead to losing the children. BUT refusing to do the course now will NOT lead to them going in to care.

I absolutely think the OP should do the course but it's completely wrong to say that the children will go into care if they don't.

Anatidae Is that so? DS is 16 now but I had a terribly stressful pregnancy (cut a long story short DP didn't want be to continue with pregnancy at the time) and I spent the whole time wishing I was not pregnant, and working, and not sleeping, and I read about this cortisol causing damage thing, and for years and years I have felt overwhelming guilt, thinking I somehow harmed him (he has partial hearing loss). I have hated myself at times. I really am glad to hear it may not be true. Thank you

Isn’t it likely post baby you are going to be extremely vulnerable to a reunion with the husband? Sleep deprived , new born etc

Second incident happened at the beginning of this year and yet you were sleeping with him in April. SS need some concrete assurances that you aren’t just playing them. Which it sounds like are.