Broken, worthless and ashamed...

[Button21]

Hello.

I've came to this site for some help and support. I've never used a forum like this before, so I'm unsure if I'll be lucky enough to get any replies. If I don't, I'm just going to try and use it as a personal diary to try and make sense of what and why I'm doing what I'm doing right now.

I split up with my ex partner a few months ago and it's been hell on earth since. It hurts me every time I breathe. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the only way I can describe it. I'm holding onto my life with my fingertips. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but don't want to go back down that route of medication again, because if I'm honest, I don't think it's ever helped me, and I'm useless at taking it.

On the outside, I have everything. I have a job, a nice home, 2 healthy kids....but I'm screaming inside. I cry daily...hourly...and I don't know how long I can hold it together for. The only time I have peace, is when I'm sleeping, but I use sleep as a vice, meaning I try and sleep whenever I can and it makes me worse. I have a day off today and I've went back to my bed...I have crazy dreams and wake up feeling horrible. I have awful thoughts about ending my life, but I know I would never do that to my children....they are just thoughts that sometimes bring me a little bit of comfort. I just want my pain to end.

So now I'll write why I'm feeling like this...
I'm ashamed to say I've turned into a desperate person. That's the best way to describe it. I phone my ex up to a hundred times a day sometimes. On a good day, it's maybe 20. I turn up at his house crying. I text him, although this isn't very much as I know he doesn't read them. I can't break the cycle. I don't know what's wrong with me... I've lasted 4 days without contact before, but that's been it.

I feel worthless, broken, psychotic, abnormal....pretty much no words can describe the pain in my heart right now.

I'm not what I look like....I'm broken. Please, please....if you take time to read this, please say something to me...I don't know how to start to feel better....I'm so hurt, sad and ashamed...

Thank you for reading the first entry in my sad diary x

I don't mean physical abuse....just mental. But maybe I let him. I take it onboard and allow it. I knew he was doing it, and I let him...

Sometimes I used to be driving my car and I used to think how is this going to end? How am I going to be able to break away from this....? 😢

You allow people to do it because you don’t have enough self esteem to establish your boundaries. But, that’s not for sorting out yet. That’s after.. when you start to find your confidence again. The first steps to that is not contacting him and understanding / accept for that it’s not your fault.

You didn’t “let” him do it. Google
re-victimisation

Sorry.. poor communication from me. You allow people to cross over barriers, but you don’t allow people to abuse you like he has. Does that make sense? Sorry; I’m tired

Yes, thank you dailydance, i understand. Thank you x

Well, that's a whole day with NC. Tomorrow lunch time will be 2 days. I was thinking back and I made it 6 days before, not 4...

Right now, 6 days feels an awful long way away... my anxiety is in overdrive just now 😢

I think Saturday night will be my worst....he'll be a kid in a sweetie shop going round all the bars charming women....

Throw me any problem in life, and I can face it head on. When my heart is involved...I crumble...

Soon you’ll feel sorry for the women that he’s charming, because he’s actually lying to and manipulating them; not charming them.

Right.. tomorrow’s a new day (one at time). Anything in the list that you’d like to do?

Hope you're okay today :) what are your plans? Xx

Ahh well, I've made it to 2 days no contact....well, almost - an hour or so to go but that's fine.

I reactivated my FB today...I came off it to reassure him I wasn't speaking to any other men (which I wasn't) but it also meant I distanced myself from friends etc. So I'm back on. Don't really know if that's a good thing tho because when you're feeling like this, everybody else's lives look amazing.

I'm waiting to be deleted by his family....that'll be the next kick in the belly... I'm not friends with him on FB so can't look at his page.

Back in my bed...I know it's not good...kids are at their activities and I've no energy at all....I'm so sad 😢😢

Just got up and tried to do some housework....if I don't do the washing it'll just pile up.

I almost caved there and phoned him....why oh why am I feeling so awful?! When will this pass? I'm trying to sell myself I'm wallowing in it now, and being self absorbed....but I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I'm crying all the time....

I'm not posting this to get sympathy, or even replies....I'm just trying to document my thoughts and see if it'll help me.

I'm so sad.

Day at a time Button

Brilliant post yogagirl

I think I read that you have children OP, is that true? Where are they while you do all this self-indulgent obsessing over someone who is not worth a scrap of your emotional energy? How about focusing on them?

My children are at their activities right now. Thanks for that.

I've tried hard all my life....I'm a sole parent who's brought up 2 kids on her own for the past 9 years. No maintenance, no weekends off when kids go to their dads, no 2 week break in the summer holidays when dad takes them to Alton Towers. Nothing. Sole parent. Period. Father of the year lives in Canada. Has he sent 2 plane tickets to see his kids? No. Has he visited them once in 9 years? No. Have I had one night away from them in 9 years? No. Am I bitter? No, because I love them and would never leave them.

So next time you sit and judge someone for self indulging themselves....think again.

Sorry you have had a hard time. I had to double check that you had children because you really do sound more like a lovestruck teenager than a grown woman with children. You really need to work on your self-esteem, because this man is not worth one tear.

And given that you are a single mother with no help at all, the fact that you have time for all this self-indulgent and overly excessive grief is frankly, quite remarkable! Chin up! No man is worth all this grief. Hug your children when they come back from their activities, and do something fun with them! Focus on them, not him! Good luck!

"Given that you are a single mother....time for self indulgent....is frankly, quite remarkable??!!"

Arrogant, sarcastic post. Again, thanks for that.

I've nothing more to say.

daemon how about you try having a shred of empathy rather than shitting on someone when they’re down?

You prove my point OP. The cure you seek is in front of you, if only you will take it! Best wishes to you, and to your children!

To the other poster, I could join you in the "there there poor OP have some flowers stuff", but I am not going to encourage any woman to waste tears on a man, who, by her own admission, has treated her as badly as the man in this case has treated her. He is not worth this excess of grief. Her children deserve her positive energy. This man deserves nothing.

Button you’re doing really well. I know it doesn’t feel like it but you are. Focus on working towards getting your life back. You deserve to be happy

I have proved your point? Because I said I had nothing more to say to you? Ok. Think what you like because quite frankly, I couldn't give a damn.

That's the spirit OP. Better anger than all this melodramatic "broken, worthless, ashamed" stuff. You should take some of that attitude and direct it toward the man you are obsessing over! If you can only turn your pain to anger, and find it in yourself to maintain this level of pissedoffness, you will soon get over him!

If only it was that easy...

for you, op. For 9 long years you've battled on alone with zero support from your oh. Ok you've had wobbles, quite big ones, and you're having another now. Understandable. Someone upthread suggested counselling and CBT, and I second that. You've been ground down and seem to have little self worth. The therapies can help you and I'd really urge you to ask your GP to refer you.
Meanwhile, I think you're doing the right thing continuing to post here, carry on

Thank you.

I'm also an only child who's parents are both no longer here. I never really knew my dad tho...was just brought up by my mum and grandparents.

Sometime I wonder if that's my problem? Is that why I put so much store into relationships because apart from my children, I have no family? There are millions of people in this world, but I feel so alone. I wish I could feel complete on my own, just me and my children...

I need to be grateful for what I have, I know.

Daemon is quite right, you know, OP. You are crying over this 'man' who is so totally not worth it, while the answer is right there.

Get angry - how he has treated you. How he is treating you. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

Anger is a powerful force - so much more powerful than sobs and tears.

Get up. Delete his family on FB before they do. take control. Stick to them rather than waiting to be stuck to!
Fake it till you make it.