Broken, worthless and ashamed...

[Button21]

Hello.

I've came to this site for some help and support. I've never used a forum like this before, so I'm unsure if I'll be lucky enough to get any replies. If I don't, I'm just going to try and use it as a personal diary to try and make sense of what and why I'm doing what I'm doing right now.

I split up with my ex partner a few months ago and it's been hell on earth since. It hurts me every time I breathe. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the only way I can describe it. I'm holding onto my life with my fingertips. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but don't want to go back down that route of medication again, because if I'm honest, I don't think it's ever helped me, and I'm useless at taking it.

On the outside, I have everything. I have a job, a nice home, 2 healthy kids....but I'm screaming inside. I cry daily...hourly...and I don't know how long I can hold it together for. The only time I have peace, is when I'm sleeping, but I use sleep as a vice, meaning I try and sleep whenever I can and it makes me worse. I have a day off today and I've went back to my bed...I have crazy dreams and wake up feeling horrible. I have awful thoughts about ending my life, but I know I would never do that to my children....they are just thoughts that sometimes bring me a little bit of comfort. I just want my pain to end.

So now I'll write why I'm feeling like this...
I'm ashamed to say I've turned into a desperate person. That's the best way to describe it. I phone my ex up to a hundred times a day sometimes. On a good day, it's maybe 20. I turn up at his house crying. I text him, although this isn't very much as I know he doesn't read them. I can't break the cycle. I don't know what's wrong with me... I've lasted 4 days without contact before, but that's been it.

I feel worthless, broken, psychotic, abnormal....pretty much no words can describe the pain in my heart right now.

I'm not what I look like....I'm broken. Please, please....if you take time to read this, please say something to me...I don't know how to start to feel better....I'm so hurt, sad and ashamed...

Thank you for reading the first entry in my sad diary x

Look up codependency, you ARE addicted to him even though he’s bad for you, just like a drug. Kicking the habit will take work, you need some help xx

psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/

You are taking this way off topic so I am responding to you via DM.

OP, try to ignore some of the messages here which were not posted with you in mind but are pushing their own agenda.

You are doing so well moving your day to day life away from thinking only about him, and instead thinking about the things that you need to do to stay sane and healthy - like having a shower, eating, taking care of your kids.

The less headspace you give to that man, the better. Start now. Baby steps.

Going back to your earlier point;

You haven't been fighting for the relationship because you've never had a relationship.

You've had a series of hook-ups with you obsessing in between and him enjoying the attention.

I actually think posters are starting to treat you with kid gloves a little too much.

You're teaching your dc about relationships with your behaviour. If you think they don't notice, they do.

You ask why he won't block you. Who the hell knows? He obviously gets some kick out of it. Maybe it's because he knows there's sex on tap whenever he feels like throwing some scraps your way.

You can't control his behaviour, but you can control your own. You can delete and block him.

Oh dear....all this is confusing me now. I've no idea what DM's are or any other forum jargon? I've never used anything like this before except when I've changed my electricity supplier (looked at Money Saving Expert).

MadMags, I know you mean well, but it wasn't about sex. As I've said before, if it was, I could maybe understand.

I'm really struggling to process all this information right now...maybe this isn't a good idea? I don't mean to cause any conflict....

Button21,

Action will cure helplessness and hopelessness.

In this case, your only action is to stop all forms of contact with him immediately.

1. If he contacts you, be cordial but brief - treat him like a business colleague.
2. Find a friend who you can ring when you are panicked and what to to call him, and ring that friend instead. Many women have done the same in your situation.

In this situation, action cures helplessness, not analysing and ruminating.

Good luck.

*Button" What Noimbrianfromhull and seapoint are doing is called "hijacking", where they enter a thread that you have started and then make it about themselves. They will leave when they get bored, so please don't let them scare you away.

You're doing great. There are people here who genuinely want to help, I have seen it happen many many times.Don't give up on this forum.

(DM by the way means "direct message", it is a message that somebody sends you that only you can see)

What have you done today?

OP, ignore the argument. It's not even intended to help you it's just posters in a tit for tat.

I'm not sure how you can be so sure it's not about sex...unless you haven't been sleeping with him whenever he decides to actually see you?

I genuinely have no clue as to Internet forums. Everyone has to start somewhere and I'm learning as I go along. I've never posted like this before. I've no reason to say otherwise....you are all strangers to me and it doesn't matter how I come across...I'm just putting all my thoughts down....good/bad/incorrect whatever.

MadMags, no, the times I've seen him recently we haven't had sex. No booty calls or otherwise. Some might say he's going elsewhere, but I know his movements. Sad and desperate, I know.

I'm sitting in Sainsbury's car park as I type. Kids are away to do a shop for me....not the best parent right now, but it won't kill them and might be good for their life skills as they have no list to work from.... I just couldn't face crowds and bright lights....pathetic I know but my belly is churning with anxiety right now x

The kids have just called me from the shop....they were initially reluctant to go, but sound happy and excited telling me what they are buying. Sitting here watching everyone going about their lives....😢

Button21 I have literally just joined the forums and saw your messages. I simply want to send you my love and ask you to believe in yourself. I have been through a bad breakup and it sucked. I felt like you. What helped me was Alain De Botton’s Essays in Love. Simply knowing that someone (everyone) been through that and came out on the other side made me feel like I can do it. But I didn’t suffer from depression. And I am no expert but it is a medical condition, nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be afraid of. Just ask for help and trust it. Even if you tried it before try again and again. You can not go on like this but you can get better x

How old are your children??

12 and 15 Mags x

Youngest will be 13 in December x

You would all cringe at the shopping! Made me laugh if nothing else! Waaay too much biscuits, crisps and puddings! It'll keep us going for a couple of days until I feel a wee bit stronger...

Decided to go into No Contact as of now. Another thing I'd never heard of until now....where have I been??! x

So....this has turned into my own no contact diary: how long will I last is anyone's guess but I'm going to try my best.

Thank you for all your help and support x

www.coda-uk.org/

If no one has mentioned it.
You really can get better.

How have you done for the rest of the day buttons? Sorry to keep posting on your thread. You were me when my first grown up relationship ended. I look back on that time now and just wish someone had given me a good, hard shake and forcibly deleted his number/ erased memory of his address and workplace as I spent several months making a complete tit out of myself. Still cringing at him getting his mum to answer his phone to tell me to leave him alone.

So I’m here to give you a good shake (not a nasty one though) and I’m going to keep telling you to stop contacting him. Stop contacting him. I stick by what I said earlier about you doing it as a form of self harm - you know this guy isn’t someone who is ever going to change. He’s always treated you like shit, you had to beg him to meet you in the first place ffs! Apart from the fact he hasn’t blocked your number and reported you for harassment what redeeming features does this guy have? Let’s make a list of god and bad.

Don't apologise....thank you for posting! x