Broken, worthless and ashamed...

[Button21]

Hello.

I've came to this site for some help and support. I've never used a forum like this before, so I'm unsure if I'll be lucky enough to get any replies. If I don't, I'm just going to try and use it as a personal diary to try and make sense of what and why I'm doing what I'm doing right now.

I split up with my ex partner a few months ago and it's been hell on earth since. It hurts me every time I breathe. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the only way I can describe it. I'm holding onto my life with my fingertips. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but don't want to go back down that route of medication again, because if I'm honest, I don't think it's ever helped me, and I'm useless at taking it.

On the outside, I have everything. I have a job, a nice home, 2 healthy kids....but I'm screaming inside. I cry daily...hourly...and I don't know how long I can hold it together for. The only time I have peace, is when I'm sleeping, but I use sleep as a vice, meaning I try and sleep whenever I can and it makes me worse. I have a day off today and I've went back to my bed...I have crazy dreams and wake up feeling horrible. I have awful thoughts about ending my life, but I know I would never do that to my children....they are just thoughts that sometimes bring me a little bit of comfort. I just want my pain to end.

So now I'll write why I'm feeling like this...
I'm ashamed to say I've turned into a desperate person. That's the best way to describe it. I phone my ex up to a hundred times a day sometimes. On a good day, it's maybe 20. I turn up at his house crying. I text him, although this isn't very much as I know he doesn't read them. I can't break the cycle. I don't know what's wrong with me... I've lasted 4 days without contact before, but that's been it.

I feel worthless, broken, psychotic, abnormal....pretty much no words can describe the pain in my heart right now.

I'm not what I look like....I'm broken. Please, please....if you take time to read this, please say something to me...I don't know how to start to feel better....I'm so hurt, sad and ashamed...

Thank you for reading the first entry in my sad diary x

@Button21 been lurking. Feel for you. Stay strong. Been there. He’s an abusive wanker and he’s brainwashed you into the shell that you are today. You CAN get through this. You need the meds and you need mental sl health support. You CAN do this

Thank you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I'm paranoid, argumentative, sneaky (would check his phone), and I used to try and make him jealous. Looking back, it was just one big game....a horrible horrible tangled web...

So why do I still care? I need my self respect and dignity back 😢

So the best thing about him is he’s sent you a few nice text messages? Versus that entire bad list?!! I can write a more convincing list about my mum’s parrot. And that parrot is a complete and utter bell end.

@SpotAGuillemot lol!

Hello again Button
What are your plans for this evening?
I find first thing and last thing the hardest.
I read and have two kids who are very hard to keep in bed (at least one is ASD) so that distracts me a bit.
Oddly, once after I'd had a very difficult thing happen I did a large complicated cross stitch. A first and very weird (for me!) but you have to really concentrate on the stitches / pattern and it helps keep your mind off other things. If Miss Marple type crafting isnt for you, you could chuck charity shop plates at a wall (out of hearing of kids). Hope you dont think I'm being stupid / irritating with these ideas.
He IS an addiction so it's about finding ways of distracting yourself from thinking about him so much you feel compelled to call. My biggest danger zone will be tonight, between 9 & 10.
I am thinking of you.x

List is good idea. I might do that too (not on here you'll be glad to hear).

This site is good therapy for me! Thank you all! I've no plans tonight....I'm back lying in my bed because I'm so tired. Need to get up and shower...it's been 3days....🙈

I didn't get anything on my list accomplished today....why do I still feel it's all my fault he is the way he is? Why am
I blaming myself? 😢

You're blaming yourself for two reasons:

1. You've bonded with this man despite the fact that he is a first-class wanker and
2. Women have a different emotional makeup than men*, one of the chief differences being that women take on guilt whereas men reject guilt, and do what they need to get rid of it.

*I'm speaking of general characteristics - there are always exception and outliers.

Just keep up the NC. Come here for affirmation that he is a wanker and for support and encouragement to keep up the NC.

Get angry OP! Be angry!! You should be. He’s treated you appallingly.

Don't blame yourself OP this man is highly abusive
He reeled you in, toyed with your emotions and then left you only to throw you a few crumbs if he felt like it.
No wonder he didn't block you he's using your pain to bolster his ego. He is literally draining the life from you.

You can get over him and free his hold over your emotions. I really think talking this through at counseling/CBT would help greatly. Even reading a Lundy Bancroft book too.
Keep going with NC you deserve better than that excuse of a man!

Six hours with NC.... that's a quarter of a day! Sounds absolutely pathetic but going from 100 calls a day and standing crying on his doorstep, that's progress!!!

God please let me keep it up 😢😢

Emotion vampire? I think that’s a good description for him!

We’re all here for you OP. You’ll feel better the longer you don’t contact him for.

I've been thinking loads....all he used to go on about was me cheating on him...or how many men fancied me....I've never cheated on anyone in my life (trust me, if I had, I'd write it here because this is me admitting everything to myself). It was a daily thing. If I asked him how his day was, he'd turn it round and say all I wanted to know was had he spoken to any women??!! This happened all the time....

Sometimes I'd tell him things, for example if any man chatted to me at work... I don't know now if he actually got a kick out of stuff like that because it always got his attention. Hard to explain, but it was as if he wanted me to cheat?? Would this have given him a reason to leave me?

He was very childish and immature in his thinking...sometimes it felt like I was back at school...

He would storm off in the huff all the time. I was so kind to him...I'd make his tea, a nice pudding, coffee and biscuits....then if I said the wrong thing, that was it!!

Don't get me wrong....I have my demons too but my intentions are always good and I always made him feel welcome. He used to come up most nights, but never returned the favour and cooked for me. He few times I did eat at his, I would always bring food with me....I'd go to the supermarket and buy everything and take it round.

He was never kind to me.

Purge away @Button21

I've just read through my posts.

Can anyone tell me why some replies have been deleted by MNHQ??

He sounds truly horrid @Button21 The more you see him for what he is the easier it will be to have no contact. It sounds like you have a lot to process. Take one situation with him at a time, mull it over, let it go and onto the next one. If you start remembering everything in quick successions and not take the time to process each one then it can be overwhelming. As you get angry with him - do not contact him. Write your anger down here instead.

Try to have a shower as soon as you get up in the morning. Start the day in a positive note... it really does make a difference. Keep writing down here things he did, how it made you feel or PM someone if you don’t feel like you want everything on the thread.. it’s part of the processing. There’s no quick fix so it’s baby step time; but you are already making progress. NC for 6+ hour’s and now starting to process what happened.

@Button21 probably because they weren’t considered helpful to your post or were in some way derailing it?

Button 6 hours with no contact is AMAZING!!!

I am off to bed with a cup of cocoa (I know how to live!).
Will wave to you in the morning. x

Hey Button, well done getting through today

I've just been reading through this and wondered if you spoke with your GP about your medication when they called and gave you the line off work? Sorry if you've said already and I missed it. I know you said you're not keen to try them but honestly - they work and for many people they are the only thing that does work. They are nothing to be ashamed of and like the many posters before have confirmed for them to work you have to take them and take them properly under care of your GP. They will give you a prescription and a sickline but they'll also listen to you and refer you to councilling or to groups they feel might help. If you're in Scotland there's a great service called Breathing space which is a helpline for those suffering from anxiety and depression and I'll be forever grateful to them for the help they gave me.
<a class="break-all" href="http://breathingspace.scot/breathingspace.scot/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">breathingspace.scot/breathingspace.scot/
I'm sure there will be similar around the country too.

I know its hard and you just want to sleep because when you're sleeping you don't feel anything but you have to try make yourself get up in the morning and get washed and dressed. Lying in bed isn't helping and I really speak from experience here. Do you have anyone you can call to stay with you for some support? Even just for a couple of days?

Sending you much love honey. One day at a time xx

Hi Button, some of the replies earlier were derailing your thread and pedalling their own argument/agenda instead

So glad to hear about the six hours no contact. Amazing.

I hope tomorrow is a good day and that you have a restful night.

Keep posting, I'll be checking in tomorrow x

Amber90, does my profile say I'm in Scotland? I'm not...but not far across the border. I hope my location isn't visible? Can anyone tell me if it is?

I started taking my medication yesterday.... so that's 2 days of being on it x

No no, don't worry! I just mentioned that because it was the only service I was aware of because I used them before so if by chance you were in Scotland they may have been something to consider if you needed them. :) You might not have known any service like that existed so you could look to one local to you on google or your GP could give you the information. Hope you sleep okay x