Broken, worthless and ashamed...

[Button21]

Hello.

I've came to this site for some help and support. I've never used a forum like this before, so I'm unsure if I'll be lucky enough to get any replies. If I don't, I'm just going to try and use it as a personal diary to try and make sense of what and why I'm doing what I'm doing right now.

I split up with my ex partner a few months ago and it's been hell on earth since. It hurts me every time I breathe. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the only way I can describe it. I'm holding onto my life with my fingertips. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but don't want to go back down that route of medication again, because if I'm honest, I don't think it's ever helped me, and I'm useless at taking it.

On the outside, I have everything. I have a job, a nice home, 2 healthy kids....but I'm screaming inside. I cry daily...hourly...and I don't know how long I can hold it together for. The only time I have peace, is when I'm sleeping, but I use sleep as a vice, meaning I try and sleep whenever I can and it makes me worse. I have a day off today and I've went back to my bed...I have crazy dreams and wake up feeling horrible. I have awful thoughts about ending my life, but I know I would never do that to my children....they are just thoughts that sometimes bring me a little bit of comfort. I just want my pain to end.

So now I'll write why I'm feeling like this...
I'm ashamed to say I've turned into a desperate person. That's the best way to describe it. I phone my ex up to a hundred times a day sometimes. On a good day, it's maybe 20. I turn up at his house crying. I text him, although this isn't very much as I know he doesn't read them. I can't break the cycle. I don't know what's wrong with me... I've lasted 4 days without contact before, but that's been it.

I feel worthless, broken, psychotic, abnormal....pretty much no words can describe the pain in my heart right now.

I'm not what I look like....I'm broken. Please, please....if you take time to read this, please say something to me...I don't know how to start to feel better....I'm so hurt, sad and ashamed...

Thank you for reading the first entry in my sad diary x

Why (does he 'allow' it)?

Because he is getting something from it, otherwise you'd get a clear message to stop. But you aren't getting that at all. I see that.

Nevertheless, he IS BAD for you. And if he suddenly decided to go to the Police re 'stalking' he'd have plenty to paint you as neurotic with
which is hassle you dont need.

You are hurt sad and ashamed.
but you are NOT worthless, psychotic or abnormal.
you have been strung along badly and are at the end of your tether.
when I said 'neurotic' I meant that is how he would represent you.
Of course he would not tell the truth that he is also heavily invested.
But, dont give him the chance to represent you badly.
This is not a place you will be stuck in forever.

It sounds like your whole relationship has been him saying "this is all the competition youve got and the other women who want me, what are you going to do to make yourself look like the best one?" and youve been clawing against the tide the whole time to be the best, the one thats in his life and will put up with anything to keep him.

The only time he seems to have shown you any interest at all is the time you didnt reply to his messages and posted pics showing you being happy without him - he doesnt want you, he wants as many women as possible giving him attention. You looked like you were dropping out of his harem, so he pulled you back in and then went back to ignoring you.

The only kind of woman he could ever really care about is the kind who plays his own game better than him - he'll end up begging for the attention of an ice queen who will walk all over him, I guarantee it.

StormTreader, I think you have it spot on.

I googled an article on breadcrumbing and I think that's what he does. But it's not a sex thing...he doesn't meet these women for sex....he just craved their attention. If it was sex, I think I could understand better.

I find myself stupidly thinking if I ignore him, be that ice queen, he'll change and want me. I know that's wrong tho. I have to get out of this for me. He's ruining my life and I'm letting him.

Pinkingshears, yes, you're right. He would have a huge case for harassment/stalking if he was to go to the police. But you know what.... he wouldn't do it. Not in a million years, because that would end all communication with me!!!!

I need to keep posting x

This is going to sound daft...

Imagine playing a game with a ball....you bat the ball to the other person, they bat it back. That's how it's supposed to work...

I bat it to him....he bats it wherever he likes and I have to chase after it....I bat it back to him...,.he bats it over the fence....I run after it and bat it straight back to him....he leaves it at his feet....I go over and say please keep playing...I'm here....he says maybe later....so I wait and wait....he'll bat the f'ing ball nicely once....then it'll all start again...

Messed up i know....but I just wanted to put my thoughts down... sorry for rambling

Above post confirms I'm an effing idiot. Crying again and just want to sleep....

No that post makes sense. Replace the ball with your emotions, dignity, self esteem and self respect. That is what he is playing with.
Look after yourself x

Hi OP,
Im so sorry you are feeling awful. To answer your question- i think he doesnt block you because he likes the ego boost. And im sorry to say this, but he really doesnt come across as a nice person based on what you have written. Breaking up with you after seeing you without making... that is so sad. So low. And all that cheating.. just doesnt sound healthy. Im sorry to be harsh but if he cared about you he wouldnt contact you to ask if you are ok after not texting him for a day once you have broken up. What he is essentially asking is " why have you stopped sending me desperate messages? Give me my ego boost! " He can surely recognise that you are not in a good place, and instead of helping you to stay strong and stop contact he fuels your pain by breadcrumb texts on the odd days when you are being strong. What he is doing is very selfish. Im sorry again if this is harsh but it seems like you have wasted so much time on him already. I recognise myself in so much what you write. I have similar patterns of feeling lije im always the one who loves the other. Trying to rope them in by carefully uploading my best pics. I know how it feels like when a text message can make your day... and on the contrary .. the lack of it can make you feel so worthless. I have been where you are ( ok, not exactly, my exes would block me eventually), im not proud of it, but i promised myself to be more rational in my next relationship, to not to lose myself completely in it and not to subject my self worth to whether he wants me or not. I have read many books that you might find useful:
Obsessive love
Conquering codependency and shame
Women who love too much.
Please stay strong and start planning a way to get better. He wont help, unfortunately. I would really advise you to try and go no contact.

Button
I don't think he'll 'Report you either, I agree he gets too much out of it.

I think your 'ball' analogy is really good. I have also considered the IceQueen approach. It works better than the ever loving ever giving ever accepting one in some cases.

But actually, that' is still about adapting your presentation to get a particular response from him, rather than cutting him out.

You are very clearly not an idiot, btw, but you have been led a (not so) merry dance by a very selfish person.

OP, have you deleted his number? I don't know how blocking a number works, but can you block his number so you can't contact him? I know if you block someone on Facebook, you can't see them and they can't see you, is blocking a number the same?

Delete his number so it's not easy to text. Delete all messages from him so you can't go into them to text. If you really can't delete his number, rename him something like "don't text this cheating fucker" or similar to try and remind yourself not to do it!

I'm really sorry that you're struggling so much, but remember, this is not your fault. He is an arse. He has cheated and messed you around and is keeping you dangling. He knows that you are finding it hard and he is letting you have a little taste now and then so that he gets his ego stroked and you keep thinking there's hope.

Block him on everything. Delete everything. Every time you feel like texting him, put your phone down and leave the room. Go and run a bath. Cook a nice meal. Walk round the block. Hell, do the ironing! Really invest some time in your kids, they will know something is up. Take them out at weekends etc, leave your phone at home. Take them bowling/cinema/long walks/treats like McDonalds or something.

It is a horrible, shitty situation and you have every right to feel like crap - you've been treated like crap. But don't let it define you. Stand tall. Head up. Wipe those eyes, find that smile and show your kids what a strong woman you are.

How do I process no contact in my mind? I honestly believe I'm addicted to him. No contact scares me because I know he'll move on straight away. Sorry I post all the rubbish, but I'm just getting all my thoughts out...

By contacting him, I'm still in his life and he won't forget me. Im not giving him the space to meet anyone else....

Sorry sorry sorry....messed up. Don't read it if I annoy the hell out of you....I'm using this as somewhere to write everything....good and bad...

You don’t need to think about anything more than today. For today, don’t contact him. Try and make a list of things you might like to do. Bubble bath. Cup of coffee. Watch a film. Eat cake. Go for a walk and don’t take your phone.

Then tomorrow, you just have to not contact him tomorrow.

You can do one day. You really can. We’re all here, listening. You can post whatever you like - this is your thread.

Hi Button,

I wrote you a very long message on my way into work this morning, but it looks like something went wrong and it didn't actually post.

I'm rooting for you, and you are NOT alone in feeling the way you do.

I think it's a great idea to make a plan and give yourself a routine every day. Is there any time during the day where you feel a little bit more stable? Could you use that time to write an action plan for the next day? What you will be doing and when? Try to be as exact as possible, and then try and stick with the plan.

Also - "recovery" (which I think is what you are going through) - is not a linear process where every new day will be better than the last. There will be regression, and you will make "mistakes" - like calling him, or sleeping all day. But try and focus on the bigger picture.

I will be checking this thread regularly. Please do keep posting!

You are also not giving yourself space to meet anyone else.
And yes, it is like an addiction. But it is possible to recover from it and lead a happier life.
If the reason behind you contacting him is because you worry that he will forget you and move on then it means you still want him back. Would you want him back? Do you really not think you deserve better? You do! We all do! And sadly he can move on while he is with you, so your messages wont prevent that. Once you do no contact he will have to find someone else to give him his ego boost. Or maybe he already have other women lined up. The point is, you shouldnt care. I know it is easier to be said than done but if you look back at this relationship it was all about you trying to stand on your head and spinning around just to keep his attention. It shouldnt be like that.

No contact is scary but it is also liberating.

How sad for you OP. I didn't go as far as you did ie the turning up at his home, phoning/texting - but yeah I was at that point where it hurt to breathe. I dreaded waking up as being awake meant thinking of him constantly. I couldn't go to work for weeks. I went to the GP got anti-depressants, took them for 3 months switched to 5thp (think that's the name) as they're natural. Nobody could have told me "you will get over him". I thought I never ever would. He was the love of my life. But eventually, I did. I did things that made me feel happy, even the smallest things. Took up walking, which helped clear my head and also got me fit. Maintained my social life and also joined a Meetup group alongside that. Even had a fling, which I said I'd never ever do, or even be able to do - but I found I could do it, and it was fun for a few months and took me out of my misery zone. I was not prepared to sit weeping and wailing whilst my ex is getting on with his life; there's no medal for that.

I'd say it took 3 years to totally get over my ex. But not all that 3 years was miserable as the days arrived when he wasn't the 1st person I thought of on waking. Then, he just popped into my head sometimes throughout the day. & so on. Till a day would pass and I hadn't thought about him at all. Towards the end of that period I met my lovely OH and am still with him 6 years later. You have to go through the fire, let your feelings come, cry and rage if you have to. MN is a good place to visit as often as you feel the need to. But you MUST tell yourself that your life cannot go downhill for the sake of ONE man. You have to fight for yourself. For now - you need to stop harassing him as you will likely find yourself in big trouble if you continue. Hes gone - that's it. You weren't born with him you can survive without him but you have to do the grief process first, and believe in yourself. Writing here is a good start. You can love a man, but not more than you love yourself. It's time to be brave, let go, and let life and time heal you.

Oh I just tried to get up but I couldn't. My head and whole body are hurting. I need to eat something. The kids are home from school soon and I need to go grocery shopping.

Here are my list of jobs
Shower
Eat something
Grocery shop
Washing
Tidying up

If I can do those, I might feel better. Right now, I'm completely overwhelmed. Mad crazy thoughts running through my head....I just want to feel normal and ok again. The thought of going into a shop fills me with dread....

I phoned him again. Twice. He swore at me and hung up the phone.

Well do those things. & you know you have to be "present" for your children. I have children too (well grown now, but they weren't at the time). When your children realise your sadness - and they will, children are very perceptive - that will spur you on to get better, because you really won't want them to worry about you. Its awful for them.

You can't process 'No Contact'. You just have to do it. I can't tell you how many times I had to distract myself so as not to phone or text. But I did it. Blocked all social media and email. No contact whatsoever is a must. If you're feeling so terrible now, follow the good advice so many others have given you here and go to your GP, get anti-depressants.

Looking back my ex was a narcissist I jumped through hoops to keep him sweet, be who he wanted me to be. I cringe at the thought now. But none of that worked. We split, yet I'm here and alive despite being absolutely distraught at no longer being with the man I thought I'd have a future with, end my days with. He is not a patch on my lovely OH.

Your ex is a man, my dear. Not a God. You can and will get by without him if you accept that you are grieving, get up go and get help with that via your GP. Do all the routine things you must, and factor in time for stuff you like doing too. Read a good book, exercise, out & about when you can.

Also if he swore at you and hung up the phone, you need to stop constantly calling him before he gets the police involved. He may very well do that, if only to cover himself. What about your life, your children's life, if that happens? You really don't want a caution, and possibility of ending up with a criminal record. You need to seek help.

Button21, I sent you a message last night. You may not have seen it if you have a full inbox.

You need to stop initiating contact with him immediately. I will coach you through this offline if you want my help as I am familiar with this type of situation and have knowledge about how to deal with it, and a successful track record of helping women in similar circumstances. As one separated friend told me not too long ago, "if it weren't for your help I would be in jail, but because of it I have my dignity." Contact me directly if you want the support, I am happy to provide it and have the free time at the moment that would allow me to.

You write:

"How do I process no contact in my mind? I honestly believe I'm addicted to him. No contact scares me because I know he'll move on straight away.....

By contacting him, I'm still in his life and he won't forget me. Im not giving him the space to meet anyone else...."

My response:

Men don't think this way. It is an absolute certainty that by contacting him you are driving him away from you by causing him to lose respect for you. This loss of respect will result in him seeking out other women. From what you wrote earlier, he did this during your relationship anyway, which indicates he didn't respect you much even when you were together. You are continuing to make serious mistakes because you don't understand how men think, and because of this lack of knowledge, you don't know how to behave.

And be wary of people offering to 'coach you' offline. Same as i'd be wary of 'how to get your ex back in X number of days' or psychics willing to tell you how he'll come back to you. Desperate people are vulnerable to people who may not have your best intentions in mind.

No disrespect to that poster.

Good job on putting a list of things together.

Which one are you tackling first?

Noimbrianfromhull

Apart from your excellent advice for OP to go NC, your gratuitous psychologising of her was inappropriate, insensitive, hurtful, and - quite frankly - obnoxious. Yet then you warn her off an offer of help from me.

Sounds like you are suffering from some serious cognitive dissonance!