Broken, worthless and ashamed...

[Button21]

Hello.

I've came to this site for some help and support. I've never used a forum like this before, so I'm unsure if I'll be lucky enough to get any replies. If I don't, I'm just going to try and use it as a personal diary to try and make sense of what and why I'm doing what I'm doing right now.

I split up with my ex partner a few months ago and it's been hell on earth since. It hurts me every time I breathe. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the only way I can describe it. I'm holding onto my life with my fingertips. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but don't want to go back down that route of medication again, because if I'm honest, I don't think it's ever helped me, and I'm useless at taking it.

On the outside, I have everything. I have a job, a nice home, 2 healthy kids....but I'm screaming inside. I cry daily...hourly...and I don't know how long I can hold it together for. The only time I have peace, is when I'm sleeping, but I use sleep as a vice, meaning I try and sleep whenever I can and it makes me worse. I have a day off today and I've went back to my bed...I have crazy dreams and wake up feeling horrible. I have awful thoughts about ending my life, but I know I would never do that to my children....they are just thoughts that sometimes bring me a little bit of comfort. I just want my pain to end.

So now I'll write why I'm feeling like this...
I'm ashamed to say I've turned into a desperate person. That's the best way to describe it. I phone my ex up to a hundred times a day sometimes. On a good day, it's maybe 20. I turn up at his house crying. I text him, although this isn't very much as I know he doesn't read them. I can't break the cycle. I don't know what's wrong with me... I've lasted 4 days without contact before, but that's been it.

I feel worthless, broken, psychotic, abnormal....pretty much no words can describe the pain in my heart right now.

I'm not what I look like....I'm broken. Please, please....if you take time to read this, please say something to me...I don't know how to start to feel better....I'm so hurt, sad and ashamed...

Thank you for reading the first entry in my sad diary x

Nobody can see where you are don't worry

Sorry amber x post

Also that's great news that you're two days into your meds. Now remember that they can make you feel pretty crappy for a few days as your body adjusts to them. You've got some food in and some goodies so you don't have to go anywhere (though a walk as far as you are able really would be an accomplishment) - but do try get up and washed :) Even if you have a wash and pop your fresh pjs on and settle down on the sofa with your kids and a box set :) Every single day is an achievement xx

Could you get some structure to your day, on the days that you are not working, instead of going back to bed.
Exercise of any sort is really good for mental health. Do you think that you could go swimming in the morning or a brisk walk. Perhaps you have a wood near by or could drive to one. Walk through the trees, look at nature, listen to the sounds. Breathe in the fresh air, breathe out the fear and anxiety.
Shop for something really delicious for yourself and enjoy it.. You deserve it all. Find live shows of comedians, the really silly ones like Michael McIntyre and Peter Kay. Sit and laugh with a box of choccies by your side.

You have to really "fight" against this feeling. Feeling a bad as you do, there's only one way and that is UP.
You are your own beautiful person, you don't need anyone to complete you. You are complete and beautiful and perfect.

Sending a wave to you this morning. (also sent a pm).x

Hi Button! Just wanted to check in and see how you're getting on x

Hello.

I'm feeling rubbish today. I'm remembering all the times I picked a fight with him when we were getting along well. I was angry with him for all the messaging and sleeping with that woman at Christmas time. I wish I had just put it behind me but I was like a dog with a bone and couldn't let go. I sabotage everything good.

Kids are away to school and I've just slept again. Woke up and for a brief second, I forgot about all the bad stuff. I feel like I'm recovering from a bad sickness bug or flu because I've lost weight and my whole body is hurting.

On the good side, I haven't contacted him since 3pm yesterday. Don't have the urge to just now and hope it lasts.

I feel worthless and broken...

I know it doesnt feel like it but youre doing really well.

Youre going through withdrawal, and its important to remember that success is not "not wanting it", its "not feeding the addiction by acting on that want". Every hour that you DONT message/call is a victory, even if you spent some or all of that time wanting to.
Youve been addicted to him for a long time, you're not going to shake that off overnight.

It just feels like it's all my fault...

I wish I had just left things and not got cockey when things were going well...I argued and picked fights with him and he would ask me to stop...😢😢

It is not unreasonable not to want him to sleep with another woman.
That is not you 'picking a fight' it is asking about his commitment to you if he can do that?
It is not YOUR fault!

Button you need to realise that he will NEVER make you happy,not if he was together with you,not if he spoke nicely to you ,not if he wanted to initiate contact. That man is not a good decent person and therefore incapable of being in good relationship.I have read through your relationship timeline..he is not someone that wants a relationship,he wants to shag different women and you can not make him want a relationship. Its all about control with him,he wanted you back because you seemed HAPPY without him..he had to lure you back in to feel in control.
You need to realise you will NEVER be happy with him,once you realise it will be easier to let go of this attachment. Make a list of all disgusting things he did to you and how bad he treated you ,and read it EVERY time you want to reach for your phone and contact him. Make it a habit of reading it over and over agin until you feel nothing but isgust towards him.
Take your medicine and hang on in there until it kicks in,believe it will kick in ,you are nearly there ,the light at the end of the tunnel is visible now.

He just called me but I didn't answer.

Probably because he hasn't heard from this psychotic idiot for almost a whole 24 hours...or maybe to give me a row about something I've done?? Who knows??

I'm crying again....he has no idea the trauma I'm going through...my belly is churning and I have diahorea (sorry...) all the time...😢

I know it feels like its all your fault, but it isnt - I have been there, up to and including waking up and suddenly remembering, and the upset stomach etc.

The thing to remember is the things you were asking for/demanding from him were things that it is not unreasonable to demand in a relationship.

You were asking for things that were your right to ask for and to expect. You werent attacking him, you were laying out your needs and that is ok to do.

I have been there with passively and silently accepting and soaking up every failure and insult and neglect from them, and it may extend the duration of the relationship but it doesnt ever make it any more functional - it just degrades until they leave you because theres literally nothing more they can take from you. A relationship is supposed to be about both of you having your needs met by the other person, not just a way to try and keep the one person happy at any cost.

Well done button for not answering! That's a massive step. And well done for starting the meds. I've been where you are now and even tiny changes in routine can make a massive difference. Mine was booking tennis lessons once a week! I started to look forward to each lesson and I also met some great friends once I joined a club. Small step but it made a massive difference. Hope you're ok, and it WILL get easier

Good for you for not answering his call, next big step is to block his calls/change your number.

Also never ever feel bad ever again for picking a fight with a man who cheated on you. That was clearly your subconscious knowing he wasn't to be trusted.
I'm guessing if the shoe was on other foot and you cheated on him he'd be enraged?
Loyalty and committing to one person is a very basic standard in a relationship its probably number 2 after mutual attraction.
If they aren't loyal to you its not a relationship at all its just people dating lots of people.

Thank you everyone.

StormTreader (I don't know how to tag) that's exactly what my mum said. The bit you highlighted. I was trying to remember her words...thank you.

I think he probably just called to ask how I am??!! If I wanted someone out of my life, I would give them zero communication whatsoever!! But this is what happens....I get glimmers....I'll ask if he wants to do something, watch a film....he'll say maybe....then he'll either storm off because I've made a demand on him i.e. Asked him what's happening with us....

Either that or I'll just get a flat no. Then I'll feel like shit...start crying...he'll get annoyed...hang up...I'll call back...then I'm back on the rollercoaster again....😢😢

I'm so sorry you feel like this. You are not alone Xxx

Sorry everyone....I've just looked at my messages...I have so many. Thank you all. Will reply to you all xx

Button I have just read this thread in full - there are some really sad threads on MN at the moment, sadly this is all to common. I am sending you a hug and really hope you are doing okay.
You have had some excellent advice on here from truly wonderful caring people so please start to act on the advice when you feel ready. You are doing great - honestly.
I have been through this too, and the physical and emotional pain is intense, but try not to let this become your new normal, or a habit. You are clearly in extreme pain, but you are also adding suffering on top. Stop punishing yourself. All that love you felt for the relationship start to give to yourself now, be selfishly kind to yourself.
I like you was totally broken - contact the mental health crisis team in your area if you feel very unwell and they will come to your house and sit and talk and go through options too (usually on the same day if you are lucky - quicker than doctors route). This alone saved me, their professional support was fantastic, because I really was in crisis. They made me understand that my anxiety and obsessional behaviour was spiralling and gave me immediate comfort and support. Find the number or get a friend to call them (as mine did) it was also through this route that I got access to CBT fast tracked as I was considered an immediate priority. You are not going mad. You are grieving and coming to terms with an awful situation which has floored you.
Long term counselling may address why you are drawn to these types of relationships (this is what I have been through) Yes yes yes to all the books mentioned, exercise and relaxation. Use all the tools you can find to break free of the suffering.
I have been there I am now much happier and in the early stages of a wonderful new relationship (dont hold on to a waster or the idea of a waster there ARE better relationships to be had. So life absolutely gets better. I went back three times to STBXH rather than go through the pain, but sadly it is a process to accept, let go and focus on yourself. Loss and grief take a while to process you sound like you may be trapped in the bargaining stage?
Use your time off work to write down all the wonderful achievements you have done in your life, realise you are great as you are and deserve so much better.
I hope you have a peaceful evening and manage to stay strong x

Well I'm passed day one now! I made it! Onto day 2! Does this work? It feels like an awful lot of pressure sometimes...like being on a diet! The minute I hear diet, I think of food more??? Oh. My head hurts....

Its very like being on a diet! No more junkfood relationship binges for you :)

It will work but you have to start believing you are worth more than that excuse of a man who has trampled on your instincts. Don't see it as pressure see it as a necessary journey.

I'm trying to. I really am. He hasn't called back but I don't expect him to. I feel so sad tonight...I just want to sleep but I'm using sleep as self medication which isn't good. Wish I could sleep my life away and waken up when this is all over.

Some people go through their lives without having their hearts broken.,..mine has been broken 3 times now....why do I allow people to do this to me?? Is it better to have loved and lost....because I'm thinking I'll never let anyone in ever again...

Button you SO need to stop putting yourself down! No doubt he's the one who made you believe you were so worthless, he's so wrong! You've made a massive step to go past the day 1 - things will get easier and you can start working on rebuilding your self confidence. I'm not far south of the border also, if you want to DM I know of some good support groups round here also

There's more things that happened, but I can't write it on here because if anyone reads this who knows me, they would know it me.

I've done loads wrong by giving him a hard time and trying to get it out of my system, but some of the things he did to me were unforgivable. I don't feel able to really tell my family or friends because I didn't/don't want them to hate him...