Broken, worthless and ashamed...

[Button21]

Hello.

I've came to this site for some help and support. I've never used a forum like this before, so I'm unsure if I'll be lucky enough to get any replies. If I don't, I'm just going to try and use it as a personal diary to try and make sense of what and why I'm doing what I'm doing right now.

I split up with my ex partner a few months ago and it's been hell on earth since. It hurts me every time I breathe. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the only way I can describe it. I'm holding onto my life with my fingertips. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but don't want to go back down that route of medication again, because if I'm honest, I don't think it's ever helped me, and I'm useless at taking it.

On the outside, I have everything. I have a job, a nice home, 2 healthy kids....but I'm screaming inside. I cry daily...hourly...and I don't know how long I can hold it together for. The only time I have peace, is when I'm sleeping, but I use sleep as a vice, meaning I try and sleep whenever I can and it makes me worse. I have a day off today and I've went back to my bed...I have crazy dreams and wake up feeling horrible. I have awful thoughts about ending my life, but I know I would never do that to my children....they are just thoughts that sometimes bring me a little bit of comfort. I just want my pain to end.

So now I'll write why I'm feeling like this...
I'm ashamed to say I've turned into a desperate person. That's the best way to describe it. I phone my ex up to a hundred times a day sometimes. On a good day, it's maybe 20. I turn up at his house crying. I text him, although this isn't very much as I know he doesn't read them. I can't break the cycle. I don't know what's wrong with me... I've lasted 4 days without contact before, but that's been it.

I feel worthless, broken, psychotic, abnormal....pretty much no words can describe the pain in my heart right now.

I'm not what I look like....I'm broken. Please, please....if you take time to read this, please say something to me...I don't know how to start to feel better....I'm so hurt, sad and ashamed...

Thank you for reading the first entry in my sad diary x

MadMags, what is dc? I know I sound like a horrible selfish person. I would never hurt my children though. They go to school clean and well fed every day. I keep my house clean and I going to work every day too. I'm trying to keep going. I just need to break the addiction....break the cycle. I feel so bad about myself and my stupid stupid stupid brain just says maybe if I call him one more time I'll make things better....and life will be ok and normal again.

I know....I know....I've lost it....ashamed isn't the word...x

I understand you are scared and I know you have said you don't want to go down the road going to your GP but if you have not by your own admission taken your medication as prescribed then it may explain why it hasn't worked for you. AD's can take weeks to become effective and sometimes the process is longer to find the correct type of AD's and dosage. Yes they can make you feel even more sleepy and uncoordinated at first which is why it is a good idea to have some time off while your body adjusts to them.

Counselling is also a great option alongside medication.

Depression can lead to chemical changes in the brain which is why medication can be important in helping. It is not as simple as choosing to take back control.

I don't think you are ungrateful at all, I think the fact that you have been coping with a responsible job and raising two kids alone while going through this shows that you are brave. You have now reached a point were it is getting too much and you have recognised that.

Dc = darling children. Shorthand for children. And they deserve better than the risks you're taking.

Op, it means children. Dc is dear children.

Did you do this to your ex husband also?

Yes, I will be honst, you sound hugely self absorbed, you have no respect for your partner as a person with his own rights, no empathy for what he must be going though with your texts, calls and visits.

It won’t make it better, he will either feel hatred, resentment or pity for you. You can’t hound someone or beg them to be with you, you will simoly be validating his decision to end it.

And can you imagine how your kids will feel if he raises a harassment charge against uou, gets a restriaing order, the embarrassment they will feel? What about your employer, your family?

Go seek help. Refusing to do so whilst knowingly harassing someone is not acceptable.

Thank you all. That's why I've came on here. I need to write down everything and keep a journal. I have lost the plot. But you are all strangers to me, so I can be honest. I hide it to people who know me, because I feel I used up all their goodwill before...."here she goes again..." I know it probably wouldn't be like that, but that's how my stupid head sees it.

Yes, if you passed me in the street, I have it all. But looks can be deceiving....I have mad thoughts in my head....but I would never follow them through....that's all they are....just thoughts.

It's ok if you all think I'm mad....I know I am. I'm away to start my anti-depressants....they are in date and it's a start. That's all the doctor would do....give me another prescription as there is no magic wand. Oh'the mind is a funny thing....mine isn't too good at the moment.

I'm grateful for all the replies....please don't think I'm not. Thank you x

No, i didn't do this to my husband. That's what I can't understand.

Yes, I'm validating his reasons for leaving me and completely blown all chances of reconciliation. I'm a self absorbed idiot who deserves all she gets

And every bone in my body is screaming that to me x

I'm sorry you're feeling like this and you know how destructive it is to you and others. So you want to change, you have to REALLY want to change and you have to start taking on board people's suggestions.

Do you exercise? It honestly does make you feel better, sometimes when I'm down and moody I go for a swim or a brisk walk in the woods with a friend and talk and perspective comes back to me. It also fills your time and helps you sleep well, without the dreams that disturb you.

I hope this helps.

Button you are at the pit of self hate you need to come up with a plan to help you get back out of it. (Not your ex or another relationship) what makes you tick? What makes you happy when do you feel at your calmest. Focus on these things as long as they are not love/relationship type things.

Take your anti depressants if you must but do make an app with your gp to let them know your mh has been on the slide as they may want to try a different type med now.

Please don't self medicate with your existing anti depressants, I know they are in date and where prescribed for you but it is much safer to do this under the regular observation of a medical professional. The dosage may need adjusting over time and if the side effects don't agree with you then a GP can prescribe something else that is more suitable. When you first receive medication it can all be rather hit and miss to find the correct combination and this is why it is important to do this with ongoing support.

All this reconciliation talk!

Your focus is still 100% on him. He left you. It's done.

Focus on what matters: your life with your children. Because if you continue to spiral you could lose them.

I've read back what I've written. I can't take all the blame even though it's 99.9% my fault. He answers my calls. He doesn't block my number. He gives me breadcrumbs of hope. We spent the weekend together 2 weekends ago....then nothing again x

Well, he sounds like a prince among men then doesn't he?

So he'll shag You every so often then ignore you're stalking until he's in the mood again.

What happened to you to give you such a lack of respect for yourself?

Button - first off owning your behaviour is a good start. How you are acting is 100% down to you. You don’t get to pass the buck on that.

But, how you’re acting is also the depression. It tricks you into feeling worthless & like there’s no way out. You NEED to go see your gp. You cannot get out of this by yourself. You need to take the goddamn antidepressants every single day. It’s going to take up to 6 weeks for them to kick in. If you don’t take them regularly then you are NEVER going to feel better. You don’t get to claim they don’t work if you don’t use them properly. If after a month or so you’re not noticing a difference go back to your gp & tweak them - maybe a higher dosage, maybe a different med. you need some cbt to deal with your obsessiveness.

Your ex is probably answering because he’s afraid you’re going to do something stupid. Even though you say you wouldn’t do anything to yourself you are still having suicidal thoughts & that’s not normal. You need help.

Give your phone to a friend for a couple of days. If someone needs you your friend can take a message & pass it on.

If you love your kids as much as we all believe you do please go see your gp & get help. Before you’re charged with harassment and the police & social services get involved. You don’t have to do it for yourself at this point, you can just do it for the kids for now, and when the meds kick in then you can do more for yourself.

Time to cut the cord and block him on all forms of communication.
Make today a new start
Who knows why he is offering you crumbs possibly thru pity.
But its not helping you heal or move on its making things worse.
Do seek talk therapy to get the jumbled mess of emotions out of your head.
It will help with the negative self talk.
Next time you say you are ashamed of yourself then ask yourself what am I'm going to do to change it?
You tube mindfulness/mediation for when those feelings arise again. They are waves of emotions but you can let them wash over you.

Ok then....day one. Will you all help me? I don't want to be off work....I've phoned my gp practice and there's no appointments for 2 weeks, but I've left a message for the duty doctor to phone me back.

It's me who instigated meeting up 2 weekends ago...me who arranged it...x

Well your ex is not a nice person, he must be able to see that you are vulnerable right now and he has chosen to exploit that and treat you as a disposable plaything.

His treatment of you is not causing how you feel but it will certainly be exacerbating the situation by eroding your self confidence and self respect.

No contact is the only option. It will be incredibly difficult and painful but if you want to change your life this is one element that you do have control of.

OP you say you need to take back control - why not start to do that by taking your tablets? I was very unwilling to go down the medication route but am so glad I did. Its only for a few months while you get yourself back on your feet.

Please give the tablets a couple of weeks to work - you wont suddenly feel like breaking into song but you may find that you only cry every other hour, then the following week only a couple of things set you off. Its a gradual process and (in my experience) helps you see the wood for the trees.

Be kind to yourself - you're a mum of 2 children - you are amazing already!! xx

Op - call your gp back & tell them it’s a mental health emergency. They’ll see you today.

That's fantastic Button21 - when the duty doctor calls you tell them it is an emergency. You have mentioned you have thoughts of ending your life it is important you tell them this to access immediate help.

Has your ex been emotionally abusive towards you?

Hi o/p yes I will help you. Please keep writing on here. Even if people are ever harsh, they are still helping to rationalise your thought process.

I would like to recommend a book that a counsellor gave to me for reading. It's called the happiness trap. It helps explain why our minds get caught up in one way of thinking and how to undo it.

I would seriously recommend your own go and a different type of antidepressant. All of them work in different ways and there isn't a one size fits all. Some people need to try several before they find one that helps.
If you don't want to go to your gp regarding counselling, some places offer self referral online. If you google touchstone iapt abd your place or type in nhs counselling self referral online and your area it may give your local service.

What I will say is well done for posting. You were very brave to do so and you clearly recognised that you need help. That step is very hard to do. You aren't a bad person at all. Otherwise you wouldn't care. I believe you love very deeply and don't like yourself very much so you cling to your ex for validation. But you know he is doing you no good.

Cut the contact and give yourself the soace in your mind to get over him.

Also if you need immediate help to calm down, I would recommend an app called head space. It is a mindfulness app and it helps me calm dowb when I am having a panic attack. There are several free sessions on it and you can listen as much as you like. If you feel like you're having an episode, plug your earphones into your phone and just listen. Ten min sessions each. Good luck and flowers for you.

Own gp* sorry not go.

Also not abd* it was meant to say and. Will check my post before I post durrr.